So, there it is. The Cardiologist was useless. (Kelly, I had to wear a 24 hour monitor when pregnant with Canaan, and I had a rash from the adhesive too! It must really affect the preggo skin!) The Neurologist was slightly better than useless, but it will be several weeks until anything useful occurs.
At church on Sunday I went forward so they could pray over me. They prayed that all my tests would be negative, and that I would be well. And as much as that is what I should truly want... at the same time, that is a scary prayer. BECAUSE... I do NOT want all the tests to be negative UNTIL I am already well. I would rather have a name for a disorder, and a prescribed action to take, instead of just nothing. I think that may say something about my faith level, and it is not a positive thing. For years and years my mother, and others around her prayed faithfully for my diabetes to be healed. My diabetes never went away. Over and over, my Mom was disappointed, felt that it was her fault, that her faith was not strong enough and that was why God didn't heal me. But look at my diabetes... I have two beautiful children, am in wonderful shape, no real damage... having diabetes has been an absolute blessing for my overall health. It forces me to take care of myself. And it has forced me to trust God in so many situations, over and over. Being diabetic is truly good for me.
Thus.... maybe this something, whatever it is, can be good too. I would rather know WHAT it is, and then work with the details of how to deal with it. Not knowing is the absolute worst thing for me.
Maybe that is the lesson I am suppose to be learning. To trust, even without information, without a plan of action. To SIMPLY trust.
So, that is my prayer request. As much as it would be fabulous for it all to go away, and just be healed, that is not my top request. My top request is for me to just let go. I want to know what, and how, and the next step. I think God wants me to learn that it doesn't matter.