It's always something, right?

I will first preface this blog by saying, "everyone is fine". With that said... Today I spent four hours in the ER. I think that nicely sums up my life right now. Nothing goes the way I currently have planned. What we planned to do was drive to our new house, give it a deep cleaning before we move in next weekend, and leave the car down there, so we don't have to tow it behind the moving truck. Then, we were going to drive Andy's truck up to N. GA and go camping with my family, have lunch with Andy's family, and leave the boys with my parents while we get ready to move. It was a very full weekend, but because of Labor Day we have a long weekend and I felt confindent we could get it all done. I guess that is my downfall, depending on my own plans too much. Yesterday Zion woke up with a slight runny nose and tiny little cough. By bedtime, it was a full cough, so I gave him his inhaler (to be used as needed, and he hasn't needed it since June) and a decongestant. He was up at 2, and 4 and 5. At 7 I called the doctor's office and got him an appointment for 11. By nine, he was having to work so hard to breath that I knew we weren't going to be able to wait until 11. So, we loaded up and headed to the ER.
They got him in almost immediately, and treated him with the full strength Nebulizer that I don't have at home. Andy was able to come and join us less than 30 minutes after we got there, and I truly have nothing to complain about. But seriously, 4 hours! Four hours is a long time! He has an upper respiratory infection, and either bronchitis or bronchialitis ( I can't remember which, nor do I know how to spell either), but it is not pnemonia. They talked about keeping him overnight for observation (gasp), took an X-ray for precautions sake, then simply renewed his Albuteral prescription, and gave him some sort of liquid steriod. He is still pretty raspy, and they want to see him again on Sat., but all in all, it was a very happy ending to a very long morning.
While we were there a little girl was brought in who was completely covered in a bright red rash. Her entire torso and face looked like they were on fire. She was crying, or course, which made Zion quit crying and watch her. About 10 minutes later, they switched. Zion cried, and she just watched him in wonder. I overheard them talking when they released her, and it turns out it was an allergic reaction to an ant bite. I have always heard about bee stings, or wasps possibly, but I have never heard of such an extreme reaction to an ant. Wow, something new to add to the list of things to worry about!
I already have a new plan for the weekend, but I am trying to learn my lesson and not depend on my plans too much. I guess we shall see what we shall see. Eventually I am hoping to take the boys, and both of our vehicles to GA, and leave the boys and one vehicle there. But, I won't count my chickens before they are hatched. For now, I am just going to go to bed, and hope that I get to stay there all night long!

23 years

My Mom checked in with me today, as she does almost every day. She was telling me of how many people are sending their love and support, and I felt very loved. But something she said really hit me, made me stop and think.... someone had asked her how long the normal mourning period for losing a baby was. She had to stop and consider it for a moment before realizing that it is forever. She had her first miscarriage about 23 years ago. She still misses that baby. Not every day, not even every week. But forever that part of her, as well as the later miscarriages too, will be slightly painful. That first miscarriage is only a vague memory for me - I was only 5 - but her later ones are still actually painful for me. Every year I think of them around thier due dates, and again in the spring, when they died. For some reason it helped to realize that I still hurt for them, and they were not even physically mine. If I still hurt for them, years later, it is okay that I still hurt for my little baby. I have always talked to my babies, when they were growing inside. I had already started talking to Anastasia, and have caught myself doing it still. She isn't growing inside me anymore, but I think it helps me to tell her how much I wanted her. How very much she was loved. How happy I am for her, that she is safe in heaven, and surrounded by even more love then I could give her.

That is enough for now. I really am planning to write something happy soon. I have happy thoughts, but for some reason, when I sit down here, the sad things are what come out. One day at a time I guess.

Life

So, to tell the story of last week, I have to rewind a little and give a bit of the backstory. About 4 weeks ago Andy got a vasectomy. I planned to blog about that, but I was still trying to understand my feelings on the issue. We reached the decision mutually, but I was definitely the reluctant partner in the decision. After quite a bit of prayer, and being reminded multiple times about the danger of being pregnant and diabetic, as well as my lifelong plan to adopt, I felt really comfortable taking this permenant step to giving birth to children. I will say it hurt a little, because I love being pregnant, and I love breastfeeding, and I love those teeny tiny little toes and first monumental milestones, but I was truly comfortable about the direction of our future.
Less than one week after Andy's surgery we were in south GA, looking at houses for sale, exploring the Valdosta area, meeting up with some old friends. It was a wonderful time. We left the boys with my parents, found a wonderful house in the middle of foreclosure, put in a bid, and had the bid accepted. It was busy, and stressful, but all going according to plan. At the two week mark after Andy's surgery I finally stopped to breath and realized that I was nearly a week late. Yes, that kind of "late". Surely not! We were cautious. We had made that final decision, and done something about it. What in the world?
Joy of Joys, Happy happy surprise, I was pregnant. Two definite pink lines. It changed all our plans, but in a wonderfully happy way. Our little 3 bedroom house was going to be a little tighter with three kids, but no biggie. Our move was going to be a little harder, since I needed to be careful not to lift too much, or wear myself out, but no biggie. We found out on a Sunday (although I had been very suspicious for several days already). I spent that week making plans, telling many of my friends (but not all, so don't be offended if you were one who had not been called yet), already picking out names. I had a really great discusion with my friend Naomi about how scary it is to be a Mom, but how we must trust that God the father loves our children even more than we do. That thought in itself is overwhelming, because I can't imagine a bigger love than what I feel for my children, but I do believe in it. Naomi is pregnant too, and has five beautiful healthy boys, but she has lost a child in the past and I remember her telling me that no matter what she has to trust that God loves her children more than her. I completely agreed, still do agree. I think God was trying to give my warning, to prepare me. During worship on Sunday He kept reminding me that this baby, whom I already loved, was His first. She or He belonged to God first. I think I knew already then.... the bleeding started that night. I held onto this tiny thread of hope. The ultrasound was inconclusive... maybe the baby was just 4 weeks, instead of six. Maybe the bleeding was just a random fluke. But I knew. and I was broken. This huge question loomed over me. Why? Why did I lose this baby? What did I do wrong? Why did I even get pregnant, when I was content with my life the way it was. Why would God do this to me. I didn't want to ask these questions, because I know there is no answer, but they wouldn't stop coming. Then, my mom said the perfect thing. I think God spoke, he just used her voice. Bethany, God doesn't cause these things to happen. God created this world to be perfect, with no pain, and no sorrow, and no seperation from Him. But this world did not stay the way he created it. Sin corrupted it, and now things happen which are not the way God originally planned them. God did not cause this to happen. Sin, and an imperfect world did. Later, when I talked to my friend Naomi again she told me that when she lost her baby she could feel God there, mourning with her. God is mourning with me, and that helps so much.
I don't know what comes next. It has been a whole week now, and physically I am back to normal. It is almost like she never existed, which hurts too. Obviously, since I was only six weeks along, we can't know if it was a boy or girl, but I feel like she was my daughter. Her name is Anastasia, which means "resurrection". That is where we will see her, so it seems like a fitting name.
For now, I keep packing boxes, and cooking meals, and doing dishes, and giving lots and lots of love to my beautiful boys. I know that my family is not complete, and when it is time, we will find the next addition. Until then, I am trying to once again live each day with Joy. Happiness doesn't always come easy, but joy is unending. For that I am grateful.
We are moving to Hahira GA in about 9 days. Moody AFB, here we come. From there, life comes one day at a time.

Just the beginning...

Since I have decided to start a blog, I think that I will begin it with a simple note first. I need someplace to express my feelings, and I love getting comments on my thoughts, so this seems to be the perfect forum. I can't make any promises about how often, or what I will write about, but I can promise it will always be true, and it will always be from the heart. I have A LOT on my heart that I would like to express right now, but my boys are both awake, so it will have to wait. (Serious writing it only accomplished when at least one of them is asleep) I guess for now we will consider this... to be continued....