Produce Perseverance

While “cleaning” today I found this following message, a response to a text message or perhaps an email, that I had copied and saved in the “notes” on my phone. I don’t remember who it was originally written to, or if I even sent it, but I have people in my life that it fits. Finding it now, more than a year after it was originally written, I want to make these words available. I want to point out this truth, again. 

 “No argument from me that some things are just bad. And many of them we never get to see any good come from. Perhaps no good does ever come from them, if no one is asking God for it? Rom 8:28 adds at the end “for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes”. If no one is seeking the good, perhaps it is just completely bad? I don’t pretend to know the answer to that. You have seen a lot more bad than I have my friend. And very different bad.

 I do think though that joy is a choice. And it is nothing like happiness. No, a tree cannot choose it’s fruit, but the amount of sun it soaks up, reaching out its branches with hope, and the amount of rain it reaches out for, digging those roots deeper into the unforgiving soil around it... those things make the fruit stronger, and bigger, and sweeter. The tree is planted, and it is what it is... but it gets to choose whether it shrivels up or reaches out. 

 And just because it chooses one thing one day, doesn’t mean it doesn’t get to/have to choose again, the next day, and the next, over and over, choosing. 

 Some days I don’t choose to look for the good. Some days, in all honesty, I curl up and ask God to please let me die. When I have had blood sugar readings of 400 and 45 in the same day. When I have had 4 seizures in 12 hours time. When I have thrown up, for no diagnosable reason, over and over- sometimes I forget to look for the good. I forget to seek joy, when happiness seems so far away. I am just tired. 

 But Joy, not happiness, is always there. Always.”

JOY is strong here today. 

 There is nothing new on me, medically. 

 There is nothing new on selling the house, Andy getting a new job, or moving closer to our parents.

 There is nothing new on my mom’s broken body, the lack of medical equipment at the hospital in Kenya my BIL works at, (please go read that one) or the angst people carry about the world in general. 

 Yet, JOY is a choice and I am choosing it. 

 Please, join me in choosing it. 

 I am so glad to have found that old message, written in a time of pain, reminding me that those very trials faced have already produced perseverance. 

Grow my friends. Grow those roots down deep. Soak up the rainwater, even when they sometimes seem to be bigger rain drops than you think you can handle. Grow those branches strong, able to handle the wind. Grow those leaves full and thick, able to offer shade to those around you who are having a hard day. 

 Be blessed as you grow my friends!

The Healthy People Challenge

 The medical field is absolutely breathtaking.

 There was a cartoon recently portraying them lifting the flag, like the famous photograph of the marines at Iwa Jima. I can’t post it here because of copyrights, but I would love for you to go see it and be inspired. 

 My world is full of those breathtaking medical people, both for my medical needs and in my personal life: doctors (like my Uncle Bill and my sister’s husband Travis and several friends from college) the amazing array of nurses (like my long time friend Kelli, and Theresa from church who teaches nursing to this next generation) and the first responders, (like my friend Andrew Denman) are amazing. I don’t think I have any personal friends who are pharmacists, filling meds, or the scientists working to create new ones.. but, we need them just as much! 

 Here is the thing, I would die within a few months without my prescription meds. Depending on how violent my seizures became (which is usually the case when I am off my meds) I would injure myself easily. Without insulin my body destroys itself, eats itself rather than turning food to energy. And even the basic antibiotic that Travis called in for me over the weekend is very needed to keep an UTI from becoming a serious problem, rather than just uncomfortable. 

 The public gets grumpy when their doctor’s appts and prescription co-pays are higher than they want. Truly, I understand. There are other things we would prefer to spend our money on. But I want to challenge you to remember how much they paid to get where they are. How much time they spent in school. How many hours they spent researching. How many millions of dollars was invested in equipment to test meds and create equipment to scan you and equipment to help you breath or check your blood sugar or simply pee without pain. Hours and hours, millions and millions. 

 We have to support these amazing doctors and scientists. We have to encourage them. We have to love them. 

 We have to!

 Be the hands and feet of our Savior, and the voice of encouragement to the medical staff around you! I challenge you to show love, visibly, to exhausted doctors and nurses and first responders and pharmacists and scientists. The whole group! 

 Ready, set, GO!

Visible love

People are beautiful.

Truly. 

We have so many different personalities, opinions, passions and interests.

But visible, tangible love is just so beautiful.

The body of Christ here in Troy stepped up and poured love out on us my first several weeks home from the hospital. 

And it was sooooo hard for me! 

I want to BE the hands and feet. I don’t want to need them!

Oh, the beautiful things God teaches you, and the beautiful people HE uses to help you learn. 

I was struggling. Obviously, my body really was fairly messed up the first several days. 

I needed help...whether I wanted to accept it or not.

But the last two days I think that, perhaps, I didn’t really NEED it any more. 

I could make something to eat. 

We could eat frozen, or fast food, or make do with sandwiches. 

What I did NEED though, was the amazing peace that comes from love poured out over you. 

I was “down”, feeling useless and without purpose when I was reminded that I am still serving Jesus.

My words could be filled with His words. 

My hands weren’t very capable, but that didn’t make me useless. 

Thank you, amazing people who poured love out on me, and amazing people who asked me for love. I needed you both! 

Tomorrow is the WADA. We will hopefully learn enough to answer some questions about surgery. 

But, even if we don’t learn enough still, I have love pouring over me, and I have love to give back to others. 

That is enough. 

Now, go out there and pour love out, in whatever way God had asked you to share it. 

Be blessed my friends! 

So that...

 I wasn’t super faithful to write while I was inpatient at UAB. I had some really great, really clear moments. But I also had some really foggy, really confused moments too. That is all the excuse I have to offer. :)
 I am home now. Sleeping in my own bed for two night in a row, with my Andy there next to me. Only staples on my head, nothing high tech. Eating “real” food, while sitting at a table, surrounded by my amazing teens.
 It seems slightly unreal.
 Too good to be true.
 So, when this verse stood out to me this morning, I respected it, a LOT.

 SO THAT...

 We are comforted, we find comfort, we are given comfort, SO THAT we can know how to give it.
 That is breathtaking.
 Every single pain, every single one, can serve a purpose.
 WILL serve a purpose.
 Every comfort we receive, we now know how to give.
 Some are easy to share-

Andy bought me donut holes, small enough bites that I could handle through the pain. 

I can share that joy, the excitement of that simple joy, with others who desire that tiny, easy joy. 

 That tiny, easy, reminder. 

Joy can be found in little tiny bites. 

EEG’S leave you sticky and gross, but with much more annoyance than pain. 

I can share that comfort with others. The simple joy of a shower that you have taken for granted and then suddenly have great respect for. 

I still can’t wash my head, but my body is clean and fresh and oh so appreciated. 

Simple comfort. 

The SEEG leaves some blood behind, 

and some ugly staples, 

but they come out, go away.

A few scars in the skin, soon hidden by hair and smiles. 

Comfort I am now experiencing and will know how to share. 

This picture won’t change direction.

Technology isn’t my friend today...but that seems fitting to go with the theme. 

I have experienced the comfort of an amazing man, who is my teammate. 

Team. 

Together.  

Different strengths and different weaknesses, but a team. 

My team, given as such an inspiring gift. 

Comfort given. 

Comfort I can hopefully know how to properly share.

He sat and held a pager like this twice. Once as they put wires in, and once as they pulled them out. 

And the comfort given during both those times is indescribable, by amazing people who visibly showed love during my entire week in the hospital.

(But a special thank you to Carrie, who knew how to let him be a “manly man” during a time of fear and yet also how to show him love)

Leaving us with this fascinating pile of wires that at one point were screwed into my head. 

And now aren’t. 

Healing is still occurring.

Knowledge is still needed, from more testing, before we have answers about what comes next and what my future holds. Whether seizures can be “beaten”.

 But I have experienced so much comfort, and now will have the experience to share it with others.

If that is the only thing I ever get from this, that is enough. 

I will ask for more. 

I will pray that God gives us knowledge from this and that doctors have ideas of how to use it for repair of my brain and body. 

But...

Comfort to share with others is enough. 

“So that...When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort.”

Every single pain, every single one, can serve a purpose. 

 WILL serve a purpose. 

Think on that, my friends. Feel the amazing comfort that you have received, from many different experiences, and choose to remember the gift that it is. 

 Then turn around and give it. 

Give comfort.

Be blessed!

Long long ago, in a galaxy not so far away...

When I started my senior year of college I really didn't know what I wanted to do with myself yet. I had "hurried", taken summer classes, and was going to graduate before I even turned 21. I had expected to have met my husband by then. I assumed God would have given me detailed directions about what the next step was. But when the fall semester started I was clueless. And worried.
 Just a few weeks in, I met Andy and only weeks after that he gave me a black leather journal. He bought it specifically for the mission trip I was taking to India in October, so I could record what I saw, felt, and experienced.
 And let me tell you, I recorded.
 Everything.
 Probably too much... no one ever needs to read it but me.

 But having stumbled upon it now 14 years later, I am so glad to have it.

 My senior year is recorded in detail. Lots of emotional ups and downs. Reading it now, looking back. I can recognize the reasons behind almost everything. But at the moment so many things seemed heartbreaking. Staggering.

 I certainly hope my emotions have calmed with age!

 I kept writing after I graduated. First full time job and apartment. The planning of the wedding. The terror of Andy's Basic Training - our first time apart. I vented through our first military move, and half way through my first pregnancy, then suddenly just stopped. One more entry, 2 1/2 years later while pregnant again.

 And that is it.

 Later, I spent years writing here in blogland.

 But now, where did the words go? Why won't they come out any more?

 I am seeking them.

 Until then, a poem I wrote just weeks after Andy and I started dating, at 3am, of course. I am highly amused that I felt the need to record not just the date, but the time also. A bit of my OCD coming out perhaps?


 Contained:
What an interesting word
A relationship cannot be 
   Contained
It frees itself
exposes itself

The elements: wind, rain, ice, sun
   they are harsh
 It doesn't care
 Un-contained

The people: supportive, accusing, condescending
   they are vocal
 It doesn't care
 Un-contained

The circumstances: time, place, responsibilities
  they are demanding. 
 It doesn't care
 Un-contained

It is new and amazing
yet frightening and stressful
It is beginning and end, light and dark, best and worst
  Everything
 Except contained


Lots of crazy emotions going on back then. :) It does not make me miss college! I am glad, though, that the "un-contained relationship" featured in this poem turned out so nicely.

 Anyone else want to share college memories?

 Blessings, 

Home made

My blog about body wash got "pinned" about a year ago. I get comments on it all the time. The sad thing is, I haven't made it, that recipe, in over two years. Actually, probably more then that. And Andy made the last batch of the more recent recipe we used. So people ask all these questions... and I can't remember. I try. Really I do. Lots of other commenters have amazing advice to add also. So I pass that along. But in all actuality, I am a failure.
 So I have this desperate need to offer something useful. The sad thing is, it isn't even mine. The recipe belongs to Autumn. Or at least the original. See...

 I jotted it down in a hurry on the back of a piece of paper. Actually, ironically, on the paper that has the recipe for the wet laundry detergent I use to make. Strange, isn't it?

Very basic materials. 

Mix them together. 

Store in a really, really old Tupperware. One that you never plan to use for food again, so it doesn't matter if it tastes like soap. (perhaps one with a busted lid?)

I case you can't read my hand writing:

(and if you can read my handwriting, I am impressed)

2c grated soap

1c Borax

1c Washing soda

Can add 1c Oxiclean if you want.

(I do)

Use 2-3 Tbsp per load

But it seems that my child has skin that will react to ANYTHING! 

So, Fels-Naptha is out. 

 Could we wash clothes with Ivory? 

 It works for us. 

Obviously, the Ivory detergent doesn't look all pretty and yellow like the container in the picture. I forgot to take a picture of it. Sorry.

How it actually works is:

Canaan and Zion's clothes are washed in the Ivory detergent. Nothing else. Occasionally some Shout or Resolve before hand. They are boys, and they are rough on clothes, but I think that their clothes hold up quite well. And I buy at least half their stuff used! You definitely have to pre-treat grease though. 

 I must admit that I like some scent. I use the Fels-Naptha for Andy and I, and then a nice big cup full of Snuggle. 

Laundry is cheap. And easy. And does a wonderful job.

Unlike the body wash, I actually make this one on a regular basis!

Whew, I feel better, writing something that I actually do. I can answer questions about this one. Although, I can't think of how there could be any. 

Except perhaps if Autumn will be mad at me for sharing her recipe! 

Blessings, 

Rocking the boat

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Prov. 16:9

 Fear, and Faith even in the midst of it, have been a theme in my life lately.

 I am not sure why, because I am not consciously afraid of anything specific right now. At least, nothing new.

 But I do have several friends who are in situations that could cause fear in their lives. I think I have a tendency to take on the emotions of the people I love. Occasionally that makes me wish I loved fewer people... but only for a minute or two!

 A few nights ago I read Luke 8, a portion of which has the story of Jesus and His disciples crossing the sea of Galilee. Jesus falls asleep and a huge storm rolls in. While His disciples stress themselves out, He sleeps peacefully. Finally, when they can take it no longer, they remember to ask Him for help. He calms the storm and while they are busy looking at each other in shock He simply asks, "What happened to your faith?"

Sometimes it seems like He is down in the bottom of the boat for a really long time. Sometimes, when it finally does calm, the storm only calms for a moment. But He is always in the boat. And the storm is always in His hand.

 After reading Luke 8, then discussing it with Andy the next night, what story should appear in the children't Bible for C and Z's bedtime on the 3rd night?

 You guessed it!

 Obviously I am supposed to be learning something.

 So, I will do my best to have faith, even in the moments that seem very filled with rain. When the boat rocks, and waves roll, and the clouds are gray and ugly, I will make it my goal to never hear, "Where is your faith?"

 Perhaps the most important thing I can remember is to remember. Remember that He is in the boat. Remember that He wants me to "wake Him up" (ie: ask for His help). Remember that He can control absolutely anything. 'nuff said.

So, the storms are blowing. All around me. For many people that I love. All I can do is stand in the rain, hold on tight and together we will have faith.  He is letting it rain. And it makes me hurt for them. So much. But I know, they know, we know, that He is in the boat and in control.

 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

 I am sure you have storms too. Hold on tight.

 I recently bought "The Voice" New Testament. We won't talk about philosophy and proper translation, I just want to share a verse written in it's translation.

 "He consoles us as we endure the pain and hardship of life so that we may draw from His comfort and share it with others in their own struggles." 2 Cor 1:4

 He consoles. I draw from His comfort. I help others in their own struggles.

 Hang on tight. Ask for help. Don't give up.

 And send me an E-mail. Praying for others seems to be what God has called me to right now.

Many Blessings, 

Independence Day

 We spent the 4th just down the hill. 17 people, hanging out in the sun.  Ten under 10. Seven, ummm, over 10. It was a blast!

Fun in the water...

 Silly Mr. Andy. What goes around...

 Comes around!

Fun with art...

A beautiful butterfly- and it even matched her swimsuit!

Fireworks!!!

Can I see mom?

Wiggly worm sat still long enough for a star.

Pirates!

Patriotic Pals

Little zebra wasn't sure how she felt.

Some beautiful faces...

Sexy Faces (mine, all mine!)

Fishy Faces...

 Silly Faces...

Curious faces...

Sharing Faces...

Focused faces...

carefully watching some fireworks!

A few things I love

 Our wireless transmitter died. Again. I kept trying to breath new life into it. But we had to finally accept defeat and let it rest in peace.
 I am pretty sure this is the third one we have had in my blogging history.

 After just a few days without "full" internet I am always so glad to get it back. But I am always so far behind too. I already have a hard time keeping up with the blogs I want to read and comment on. And the blogs I haven't had a chance to write- well, those are lost forever. Because my brain only holds a thought for so long. Then it is gone. That is why I write a blog in the first place! So that those crazy thoughts can be corralled and organized. When I don't get a chance to write them down...

 Ah well.

 But, a few things I love:

1) That when we got home yesterday the first thing my boys did with our purchases from the thrift store was lay on their stomachs in the middle of the kitchen floor and play with them. Immediately. Anyone want to know what our purchases were?

 Books!

 2) Thrift stores in general! Large parts of our "curriculum" come from them!

3) When I open the peanutbutter, Daisy automatically thinks it is for her. That is both a love and a hate. We give her PB to cover the taste of her meds, which are a constant need, and will be always. But the fact that as soon as she smells PB she comes running: that cracks me up.

4) The fact that, although I am not sure where the money is going to come from, braces do exist and Canaan will be able to have them. There was a time when teeth that were so crowded that they wouldn't even descend were a humongous problem. Now the dentist simply gives a recommendation that you go visit their friend down the street. (or perhaps shop around and see who is cheapest?)

5) Cherry Tomatos straight from our garden. One of the few successes, making them even more delicious.

6) That beautiful art that can come from trash. Beauty is all around, as long as your seek it. My friend Casey has started using his amazing talent for more then just playing with his kids and decorating his own home. He is creating art for others and I can't help but pass him along to others. He takes paper, shredded and expected to have no further use, and turns it into beauty.  His art is amazing and it stands for one of the things I believe in most. Appreciating EVERYTHING around you and finding Joy in it.

 Please my friends, seek the beauty.

Blessings,