Split second

 Andy leaves early in the mornings. Early. At least for me.
 As he was leaving a few days ago, around 5:40, I got up to use the bathroom. In the dark that still haunts that time of the morning I tripped over the cord of the space heater.
 Now, I love the fact that we have a space heater. Getting out of the shower without it in the winter is slightly torturous. But at 5:40 in the morning, barely awake enough to walk, the cord was a safety hazard just waiting to happen. As I stumbled I imagined my chin hitting the tile, the mess that would make when blood gushed everywhere, the inconvenience of waking the children to go get stitches.
 And then my hands caught the counter, my hip hit the heater, and all was good.
 But all of these thought had already run through my head in the split second it took for me to catch myself.
 And the next thought I had was, "Thank goodness for modern technology." Amazing how the mind works, isn't it? Yes, it was modern technology that almost made me fall - but it would have been a cell phone that made Andy return two minutes after he left.
 12 years ago when we first started dating I had a cell phone. But it was for "emergencies" only. I almost never used it and was slightly scared of it. Then, not even three years after we met we were stationed in CA and the cell phone, with unlimited nights and weekends, free long distance, and a friends and family list was my link to home. I nearly wore it out.
 Each time he has been deployed I never knew when he would call. So I have carried my phone with me everywhere I have gone. To Doctor's appointments, giving him updates about our baby growing inside. To Florida, for the first time our son saw the ocean. To the bathroom, just in case. And every night, plugged in close enough that it would reach my bed. Sleeping with the telephone is not just a song - it is a reality.

 These newest cell phones are more then just phones. They are address books, calendars, entertainment centers while waiting in the doctor's office, even a portable book when I forget to grab my kindle on the way out the door.
 It contains my entire life, all in one small rectangle. And it is very easy to get completely lost in. Belonging to myself only.
 Scary.

 After my split second wave of thoughts, then my moment of thankfulness, (both for not falling, and knowing that Andy had a cell phone, if I had fallen) my last hour of sleep was filled with unsettling dreams. In them people were looking for things and were unable to find them. No matter how hard they searched, they couldn't figure out how to get to what they needed.

 In my dream, I had what they were looking for, and no matter how hard I looked for them, I couldn't find the searchers. I knew they needed me, and what I had, but I could't figure out how to get to them. We were all searching, and none of us could find each other.

 How does all of this connect to cell phones? I'm not really sure.

 I think it comes back to the "entire life, all in one small rectangle". As people it seems we spend less and less time face to face. Technology allows us to send information at lightning speed. To text and E-mail and Facebook all at a moment's notice. But are we forgetting to notice the people right next to us?  

 This afternoon Brandon Heath's "Give me Your eyes" played on my Pandora station.

 "Give me Your eyes" is about choosing to see people in need - in need of love, in need of cheer, the "broken hearted" is how he puts it - through God's eyes. Which means we love them unconditionally and try not to miss anyone.

 I am going to do my best in my little neighborhood right here. But at the same time...

 I'm not much use in the "real world" right now. Because of my uncooperative body I don't do much driving, thus I have met very few people. My ability to go to events is pretty small. But I am going to do my best to use His eyes to see the broken hearted in the little - or rather, HUGE - world of technology.  To move beyond the world of people contained in my address book, "all in one small rectangle." Just like I was thankful for my phone that morning, I will be thankful for the world wide web. Hopefully, the searchers and I can find each other.

 Please, feel free to let me know how I can show you His love. I don't want you to be searching, unable to find when I have exactly what you need.

 This has been a rambling post, but I mean what I say. If you need me - to pray, to encourage, to help work through a problem keeping God in the middle - my E-mail is always open. Always.

 Blessings, 

It's a small, small world after all

 My sister Emilee is addicted to Pinterest. She recently decided that she should introduce me, and try to make me addicted too.

 It may be working... but that isn't the point of this discussion.

 What struck me while roaming around the amazing world of Pinterest is how very, very small the world is now that we are all connected through the internet.

 You see, on Pinterest you create "boards" where you "pin" things that interest you - things that you want to remember. One of the boards I created was, surprise, "green living". When I searched Pinterest for green living ideas I stumbled upon MYSELF.

  I cannot express how extremely weird that was.

 Someone had read my blog about homemade bodywash, pinned it, and it had passed through the Pinternet world.

 I wondered why I had gotten two comments on it lately!

 In some ways it made me want to remove my children's names from my blog and quit all discussions about where we live. I understand now why my sister quit blogging when she had her daughter! But we are out there already, and I cannot quit now. Some moments the words get stuck, but it is impossible to keep them contained completely. I need to write. So we stay...

 Right now - these pictures from a few days before we left Missouri have been begging to come out and play.

This dew covered spiderweb is what started the adventure.

This field of beauty in the midst of construction was only one street over - just a direction we had never ventured.

Hard at work

Enjoying the sunshine

And sharing nicely, at peace with the world around them. 

We weren't thrilled to be in MO. The 4 months there were a stressful, crazy, random. But, we were together, learning, and, I hope, remembering to enjoy the beauty around us. 

 Blessings, 

What's in a name?

We have been talking about names around here lately.

 Andy's class has some foreign students attending, and one of them, I think it is the Egyptian, has a very long, complicated name. You see, he has his own name, his father's, grandfather's and great-grandfather's - all in a row. That is a lot to keep up with!

 Canaan already carries his father's name in the middle. 

Zion carries a piece of my family history. 

 and that last name, the "family name", there is such a bond in that. 

 I will always, and forever, be one of the Binkley girls. Nothing can change my roots. My bond with my sisters and amazing parents. To belong to both my father and my mother's family tree, and the amazing history that has been followed back so far and has stories that are thrilling to recall- I am honored.

But...

 Now I am also so very glad to be a Freeman. To be claimed, and accepted into the family of my true love. I eagerly listen to the stories of their history, and make sure they are passed to our children.

 The stories of the history of our names.

 But what about the names of the present?

 I know the legal names I carry; the one that was given to me, just for me (Bethany); the one to carry on the past (Ruth, for my grandmother); and the one I acquired when I promised my future to my best friend (Freeman).

 But there are other's out there too.

 Wife. Mom. Sister. Daughter. Friend. Teacher. Writer, when time allows.

 Am I remembering to leave a spot for my most important name?

 Child of the King! Redeemed, called to praise, and eager to shine His glory.

 So many names. It's almost overwhelming if I thinking about it too much. Which one needs my attention most right now? Which name am I responding to at this moment in time? But if I pause and remember for just a minute-

 The names fit together so well to become,

just one me. 

Blessings,  

In and out

 It's funny, really, how you think you need something so desperately and then when you finally have it right in front of you, you can't seem to remember what to do with it.

 Yet again, our internet connection was out - completely and utterly- leaving us cut off from the outside world and separated from reality. Because when the internet is out, the phone signal "booster" doesn't work either. So I can barely even surf the web on my phone.

 Yet here I am, with the internet working again, and I don't know where to start.

 To my blogger friends - between internet outages and a week of very fun but exhausting out of town company I have not visited or commented in weeks. I'll be coming by to catch up. Be forewarned!

 For now, a little piece of Missouri for you. It really is a beautiful, fascinating state.

Old Route 66 has some amazing history on it and we are enjoying every minute - even if we can't use the internet or cell phones!

Blessings, 

Scrambled Scrabble

  I dreamed about Scrabble last night.

  I have been playing "Words with Friends" on my iPhone lately, and I have been working with Zion with letters, and I had spent the hour right before bed organizing the books on my Kindle into categories. So words were fresh in my mind.

 But I don't think that's why I dreamed about Scrabble. When Andy came home between PT and class he pointed out that Scrabble is a game of making words fit. Of shifting letters around and creating. My ability to create words, or lack of ability, has stressed me lately.

 I love to write. Truly I do. But I want it to mean something. I want all of my words to mean something. After two months off I feel like I should have lots of meaningful words stored up. Instead, it seems that I have very few words at all. Those that I do have are all scrambled up in my head, and like Scrabble, I am having to untangle and rearrange them to turn them into something that makes sense.

 I don't want to be a preacher. I just want to make sure that everything I say means something. I started this blog because I was hurting and needed to share that. To give it meaning, even if only in my own head. I hope that my ability to share my feelings openly, and clearly, has grown through the years. Because that is what a lot of this blog is: Me, sharing my feeling. However, I hope that my words are not just my words. I hope they are His words.


 Perhaps David said it best: "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." Psalm 19:14


 I hope that Scrabble doesn't haunt me much longer. I have even been avoiding the phone lately, because words are running around and around in my head - but they don't quite know how to build themselves, or how to come out in the proper order. But they are there, and I am trusting that He will put them together and help me spit them back out onto this blank page of the internet. 


 Where they go from there - well, I don't really care. I just need to figure out how to rearrange them, make them fit, and get them on the playing board, rather then trapped in my head. First though, they have to mean something. 


 Keep throwing me letter tiles my friends. I am working on putting them in order! 


                                                                               Blessings, 

Laziness

 I got into bed last night, pulled the ancient and heavy, yet familiar and comfortable, Toshiba onto my lab and pressed the power button.
 I was greeted with an error message, asking me how I would like to restart the computer. Hmmm, good question, considering that last time I shut it down it hadn't seemed to have any problems. Well, let's just try regular.

 Not good.

 After about 30 seconds of "thinking" about starting Windows, it instead gave me a blue screen - the blue screen of death. Something about internal memory being wiped?
 That didn't sound good.

 So, I turned it off and tried again.

 Error message - let's try "start with last safe mode" this time.

 Again, 30 seconds of "let's give Bethany false hope", and again, the blue screen of death.

 Fiddlesticks.

 I was just bragging about how proud I was of that computer. Six years old, heavy as sin, but still going strong. I just had to spend $40 to fix the disk drive - because it wouldn't read disks anymore - but it was a perfect computer for Canaan to play games on, now that Andy is gone and took the "good" laptop. (that is a very loose definition of good - since we both hate the HP and will never buy another one. It is just smaller, and newer, so gets the label of "good").

 That Toshiba has been through a lot with us. Andy bought it right before his year long tour in Korea, and it was our main form of communication. It didn't have a built in webcam, few did at that time, but it was Skype ready and a free standing webcam was easy to find, so he got to watch Canaan, and my belly, grow on that computer screen.
 Just eight months after he got home from Korea he took it with him to Iraq, and once again, that web cam was the connection between us. He wrote dozens of E-mails, (all of which are saved to my E-mail "Andy" folder. Every single one.) He watched movies, and reorganized his music collection so that his I-pod would be easier to navigate. All on that Toshiba.
 It has played a huge part in Canaan learning his alphabet and how to use those letters to make words; how to count, then use those numbers to add, subtract and multiply. Many games have come and gone through the years. He has recently become addicted to "Age of Empires", and had claimed the Toshiba as his.

 But I kept borrowing it.

 For the first three years that I blogged, I ALWAYS sat at this desk, typing on my Mac. I have only gotten lazy in the last several months. But, oh, how I have enjoyed being lazy. It is so comfortable to sit in bed and blog, rather than sit at a desk at one in the morning! But it seems my days of comfort are over.

 Back to the workhouse, or at least the wooden chair, I go. Woe is me.

A teaser

Oh Blogger, dear Blogger
How I have missed you, dear Blogger.
Sigh... how I have missed you.

Thoughts and words spill over
They have no where to go
Sigh... I have missed you dear Blogger!

I am coming back eventually. A few boxes left to find a spot for. A new school routine to settle into. Christmas to celebrate. Lots going on.
 Trust me, my camera is having a hey-day already.
 And that is just on my end. I haven't been able to read up on my fellow bloggers either. Comments are coming, eventually.

 For now I am going to celebrate the fact that the computer is plugged in and I am not using my phone as the only internet connection and that I uploaded 500 pictures off my camera, meaning I can view, edit and sort - and make way for more!

 One day at a time, right? See you on the other side!

Me, Myself and I (#500)

The time for my 500th post has come. I was wondering what I could write about, mulling it over, perhaps stressing more then I should, considering only about four people actually care what I put here.

Then I mentioned it to Andy, and he was full of ideas. Once again, I wonder why he doesn't write...

Perhaps because he would rather do things like this?

Last week he finally had his interview with the Army Officer board. One of the questions they asked him was, "What three words best describe you, and why". He had only a few seconds to come up with his answer, but I approve of what came off the top of his head. I think perhaps it is a good description of who he really is. His answers were:

Integrity, Spirituality, Motivation

Of course, he got to talk a little more about those words, and how they apply to his life. After the interview he was even encouraged by one of the Captains that interviewed him. He said something along the lines of "keeping your faith known (but not pushed on them, obviously) to your men once you become an officer will be appreciated. They will look towards a leader with faith when times get tough."

When Andy asked me what words best describe me, I could only come up with titles. Who I am, not what. (think mommy, Christian, wife) He said those don't count. They are too obvious. I have to go deeper then that. So, I have been on a mission to figure out what three words best describe me, and why.

I have finally decided on:

Joy, Reflection, Edification,

Joy is fairly obvious I guess. I try to shine it, share it, keep it with me all the time.

It is the name of our school, J for Jesus, O for others, Y for yourself = that equals JOY.

I love to laugh, and laughter is contagious. I wouldn't say that I am much of a joker. Actually more of the opposite, but I love to laugh. But even when laughter is hard, when happiness is missing, Joy is always there. When I can't find it by myself, I remember who provides it, and ask Him to pour it out on me. And, I am blessed with people all around me who share my passion for Joy, and when I have lost mine, they help me find it.

Reflection is the fancy word I chose to say that I want to be a shining star, a mirror, a light.

A mirror, which shows as clear a reflection of Jesus as possible. Sometimes, because it is just a mirror and not the real thing, it will be warped, or discolored, or shaky. But still, it reflects.

A star, which reflects light in darkness and burns its own inner fire. I want to shine for Jesus to the entire world. I want to shine in simple things like listening and responding with interest when my hubby rambles on about engines and intakes. I want to shine in larger things like teaching my children the Word of God so they can have a light for every step as they learn. Reflection seems like a huge responsibility.

These boys are a huge responsibility. But oh, they are worth it!

Edification is my gift. I am a listener. An encourager. A problem solver. When someone just needs to vent, I am here. When someone is having a really bad day, and needs someone to find the one positive thing, that is what I was made for. Hopefully, that advice I give actually edifies, or educates and helps solve the problem. Maybe sometimes I am just an encourager. Either way, listening, and then trying to do something about the problem - that is my third word. That is what I hope I am.

Now, here comes the fun part. I've given you a taste of who I am, now it's your turn. All of you lurkers, you who never comment, or rarely have something to say - I would like to hear what three words best describe you. No titles, only descriptors. It can't be who you are, so think deeper. As a side note - those of you who often comment, I would like to hear from you too.

Here's to #1000!

Expansion

I think I made Andy sound slightly caveman-ish in my last posting. He isn't really a neanderthal. Perhaps I should expand upon what I think he really meant by "Why don't you go talk to your adoring fans on your blog about it?"...

In reality he was saying, "I just worked over 10 hours outside in 35 degree weather, while rain poured down. No gloves, because my hands had to be free to turn a wrench very precisely. When I got home my AF issue steel toe boots were so wet that my socks were soaked enough to wring out. It is two days before Valentines Day and since there is no way I am giving you what you have asked for on the holiday every man despises, (for him to read my blog on a regular basis and maybe have a deeper understanding of how my mind works) I loaded you and the kids into the car, drove to the mall in the freezing cold rain and tried to find something else to give you, in the crazy crowds of other men doing the same thing. On the way home we had snow flurries - here in the deep south - SNOW FLURRIES! Now it is nearly 11pm, and I have to get up in 7 hours and go back to work, on a SAT and do it all again, maybe in snow. Now, I love you, but please, stop talking and let me go to sleep."

Now, obviously, I am a woman, and he is man. So I can't say I exactly interpret what he is saying correctly. But I think that might be the gist of it. Who knew you could pack so much into "Why don't you go talk to your adoring fans on your blog about it?"

I think we need a vacation. I currently despise his job. (Not the AF, just being a Crew Chief.) He is exhausted. My patience with him being exhausted is, well, exhausted.

Two more weeks until he can get some time off!

Please God, let them go fast.

Shameless self-promotion

 I have been trying to get people I actually KNOW to read and comment on my blog for well over a year now. Since I average about 3 comments per posting... I think I have failed. So, I am going out into the wide world of the web, and joining the Five Minutes for Mom Blog Party.

 The idea is that other people will do the same thing, leave comments on each other's pages, and get to know each other. It is like networking for bloggers. It is a fabulous idea, and I am excited. Slightly intimidated, because I don't usually like to beg for attention, but none the less, I am excited. 

 One of the requirements is that you write a slight "introduction" post. So, here is a little about me...

 I was born in May, 1979 to ex-hippie turned Jesus freak parents who love Jesus with their whole hearts, and introduced me to HIM very young. 

 My dad has been a "Jack of all trades" within the world of Christian ministry, including preacher, chaplain, missionary, and computer programmer. My Mom gave me three little sisters, who are some of my best friends in the whole world, and homeschooled all four of us while we moved all over the country, and occasionally the world. 

This is my family in Norway, circa 1995

This is my family last May, when my third sister got married

 After a homeschool graduation, I attended college and majored in Psychology, with a focus on child development. Although in all reality, I was honestly just waiting. Waiting for God to give me a husband. I loved school - learning comes fairly easily to me, although NOT science! I enjoyed school, and the friends, and the interaction with professors, but my life goal was to be a wife and a mommy. 

 I was starting to get stressed when I made it to my senior year (one of the joys of being a homeschooler – already use to working alone, college is not much of a transition, so I skipped a year and graduated at age 20)  and there were no prospects in sight. And honestly, when I met my Andy, I was still slightly stressed. God and I had some serious conversations. He was younger then me (10 whole months - gasp!) and an art major (not what I had envisioned supporting me and the future youngins I hoped to birth - gasp!) but I loved him almost immediately. So I waited for him.

 About two years after we met, he was still undecided as to what exactly he wanted to do with his life – but he did know he wanted to spend it with me. So, quite happily I must say, we got married. 

My love and I at our wedding - June, 2001

 I taught school. He quit college (for the second time) worked odd jobs and created beautiful art. Less then three months later was Sept. 11^th. The Sept. 11^th that changed the world.

 My love immediately joined the Air Force, and we have never looked back. Strangely enough, my dreams have all come true. I have given birth to two amazing sons, whom I now get to teach at home. Our paperwork for adopting our daughter from Benin, a small country on the cape of Africa, is currently in the works.

 My Savior has blessed me more then I can express. My love is faithful and responsible, conscientious and charming, artistic and sexy, loves Jesus with all his heart, will be a college graduate in just a few weeks, and the man can COOK. 

 I have beautiful, talented, healthy sons who are learning to be more like Jesus every day, and still love to cuddle.

Family photo - Jan. 2009

 Right before Andy deployed to Afghanistan

 And soon, I will have a daughter who will laugh with me at the crazy males in our life, and enjoy a little “fluff” now and then.

 Life is good. 

 Now, please leave a comment to introduce yourself, and I will come by and meet you too! 

The ABC's of Thankfulness

First off - I have missed the internet! I know it has only been about three days, but when you are use to posting every day, going three days without so much as even reading your E-mail is a huge thing. However, I have been having a blast with my family, so it has been worth it.

Now, on to the important stuff. I heard a DJ talking about his list of things to be thankful for the other day. He was trying to be creative, and move beyond the basic, usual, "family, health, etc". So, he tried to come up with something for every letter of the Alphabet. I thought that was a fun idea. I am tired, and it is almost 1am, so mine will be non-creative, and include a lot of names, but, here it is.

A - Andy (of course)
B - Books (is anyone surprised by that one!!!)
C- Canaan
D- Diapers, and the fact that my kids don't need them anymore!
E- Eggs, one of my favorite foods
F- Flip flops
G- Grandparents - mine and Andys, and those that belong to my children (ie, my parents, and my in-laws)
H- Hugs
I- Icecream - especially Breyers all natural Vanilla
J- Jesus - enough said
K- Kindness
L- Love - I know that is cheesy, but hey, it is my list, and I am thankful for love!
M- the Military - I hate that there is a need for it, but I am glad my husband has a job, and that it works to keep our country secure.
N- Nuts - an alternative source of protein, for my vegetarian days.
O- Oranges
P- People - lots of them
Q- Quilts, especially ones made by my talented sister
R- Recipes - I love to bake, and I love new ideas, or old ideas
S- Sisters, my "real" ones, and the ones I have "added" over the years.
T- Thanksgiving, a time to remind us to be thankful!
U- Umbrellas - Zion thinks they are really cool
V- Voices - both literally, and figuratively
W- Water - we would die without it, so duh....
X- X-men - the world is a better place because of Wolverine, or at least because of Hugh Jackman dressed as Wolverine, so I can be thankful for X-men, right?
Y- Yeast - it helps make some yummy bread
Z- Zion

So everyone - be thankful. Remember WHOM we are thankful to. Blessings!

Just FYI

The average (30 day) month has 43,200 minutes in it. That is a lot of minutes. Last month I spent 1890 of them on the phone. Unbelievable!!!!! I really don't understand how that is possible, because I really don't feel like I talk on the phone all that much. I probably spent about 600 minutes in God's word. About 150 minutes brushing my teeth. About 1200 minutes a month reading to my kids. I guess when you put it in that perspective, it doesn't seem THAT bad. It just shocked me a little when I saw the total. I did mange to NOT go over on my anytime minutes this month. I had 3 left over. I am very proud of that fact!!! The only reason I can do that is because a large portion of the people I talk to are AT&T also, so they are free! Thank you Corey for getting Carrie a new phone!!
Since I am supposed to be making my words more meaningful, I will close now. I don't think this is especially meaningful, but it sure was funny to think about!!

Music

In case you haven't noticed, I have added music to my blog. Picking out the songs has been quite a journey of discovery. I like a lot of different styles, from quite a few different years. I also am absolutely terrible with names. So, in the process of making this list, I kept turning to Andy and saying, "Honey, what was the name of that band I used to listen to, when I lived on Third Street. You know, the one with the guy... " Somehow, with about that much detail, he would come up with the name of who I wanted, every time. He knows me entirely too well. At first I didn't think I would come up with 100 songs. I can only think of about 5 on the top of my head at any given moment. But somehow one song led to another, and Andy would remind me of someone else, and here I am with 100 songs. I got really sappy somewhere in the middle and picked out a lot of songs from when Andy and I were dating or first married. I think that was during the time he was helping me, and I was just so in love, and remembering all the easy fun times. So naturally, the memory music made it on there. However there was a sadly lacking amount of Waterdeep available on the site I was using, so "our song" didn't make the list.
When I first posted the player I had less songs, but Carrie has already commented on the amount of Country music. I have added more since then. It never ceases to amaze me that I actually like country music, but I definitely do. My Mom may disown me, and my highschool friends can't believe it, but I am truly addicted. It all started when my husband joined the Air Force and we moved all the way across the country, away from everything familiar. Country music brought the South to me, even way out in CA, and it has just stuck ever since. Now, I love it just because I do.
I would also like to point out that although I have a wide variety, with many different genre's and years represented, there are no Beatle's songs on my list. I had it nearly finished and realized that I was leaving off a major American influence, and I considered adding them, just for the sake of adding them. But truly and honestly, I don't really like the Beatles. That may be grounds for death in some areas, but there it is. I have said it, and am willing to pay the consequences. I don't really DISLIKE them, I just don't LIKE them. If it helps, I also left off Elvis. Nothing against him, just don't really feel the need. I was raised solely on Keith Green, Maranatha Praise music, and Psalty the singing songbook, with a later addition of Amy Grant and Twila Paris. I missed out on two whole decades of music during my growing up years. I can't help but be behind.
Anyway.... I just wanted to say that I enjoyed this journey. I loved being reminded of the music I love, searching for the memories that get lost in the every day, and worshiping the God who gave me music and memories.
Please enjoy the selection, and comment on your favorites, and what I have left off.