My Mom checked in with me today, as she does almost every day. She was telling me of how many people are sending their love and support, and I felt very loved. But something she said really hit me, made me stop and think.... someone had asked her how long the normal mourning period for losing a baby was. She had to stop and consider it for a moment before realizing that it is forever. She had her first miscarriage about 23 years ago. She still misses that baby. Not every day, not even every week. But forever that part of her, as well as the later miscarriages too, will be slightly painful. That first miscarriage is only a vague memory for me - I was only 5 - but her later ones are still actually painful for me. Every year I think of them around thier due dates, and again in the spring, when they died. For some reason it helped to realize that I still hurt for them, and they were not even physically mine. If I still hurt for them, years later, it is okay that I still hurt for my little baby. I have always talked to my babies, when they were growing inside. I had already started talking to Anastasia, and have caught myself doing it still. She isn't growing inside me anymore, but I think it helps me to tell her how much I wanted her. How very much she was loved. How happy I am for her, that she is safe in heaven, and surrounded by even more love then I could give her.
That is enough for now. I really am planning to write something happy soon. I have happy thoughts, but for some reason, when I sit down here, the sad things are what come out. One day at a time I guess.
Who writes this stuff?
- I am happily married to an amazing military man who spent 9 years enlisted and is now an Officer in the US Army. We have two amazing boys who are not so little any more! They still infuse every moment of every day with creativity and energy, and make my life an adventure. I was educated at home, and am now teaching our children - second generation homeschoolers! I try every day to become more like Jesus Christ, and to love like HE does. If you want you can try and catch me at firstname.lastname@example.org