My Mom checked in with me today, as she does almost every day. She was telling me of how many people are sending their love and support, and I felt very loved. But something she said really hit me, made me stop and think.... someone had asked her how long the normal mourning period for losing a baby was. She had to stop and consider it for a moment before realizing that it is forever. She had her first miscarriage about 23 years ago. She still misses that baby. Not every day, not even every week. But forever that part of her, as well as the later miscarriages too, will be slightly painful. That first miscarriage is only a vague memory for me - I was only 5 - but her later ones are still actually painful for me. Every year I think of them around thier due dates, and again in the spring, when they died. For some reason it helped to realize that I still hurt for them, and they were not even physically mine. If I still hurt for them, years later, it is okay that I still hurt for my little baby. I have always talked to my babies, when they were growing inside. I had already started talking to Anastasia, and have caught myself doing it still. She isn't growing inside me anymore, but I think it helps me to tell her how much I wanted her. How very much she was loved. How happy I am for her, that she is safe in heaven, and surrounded by even more love then I could give her.
That is enough for now. I really am planning to write something happy soon. I have happy thoughts, but for some reason, when I sit down here, the sad things are what come out. One day at a time I guess.
Who writes this stuff?
- Andysbethy
- I try to keep my priorities in order: Jesus, my Andy, our children, everything else. I homeschool our boys, love to read almost all written words and have been challenged by the military life for 18 years. Right now my faulty human body is demanding a lot of attention. One day at a time, learning as much as possible every day and remembering to look for JOY when other things threaten to overwhelm.
3 comments:
Bethany, we will be here for the sad and the happy stories. I helps the heart to get it all out. I don't know if you have ever seen or read "Because of Winn-Dixie". In the movie, the librarian tells the story of her grand-father or great-grand father. In the story she tells of him coming home from the civil war and realizing that his entire family is gone, he is the only one left. Well, that man then went and opened a candy company. Called the candy the Litmus Lozenge. The candy had to ability to bring about a sad feeling in people, but only if they had been through some sort of tragedy, or loss.
It is okay to think of the little ones we have lost. I know that your little girl is in Heaven and you will see her one day. She knows that her mommy loves her very much.
I hope you have a good day today. Just take it one minute at a time. I love you.
It does seem strange to think about there being a "typical period of mourning" for any kind of death. The very thought of putting a "timetable" as if you had to put on your mourning clothes and after the "appropriate time" you wore your regular colors again. It makes me think of Scarlett O'Hara and the dance where she danced in her mourning clothes, what a scandal! It is good that you can mourn as long as you wish, as privately as you wish, and you can dance in your mourning clothes because you can still, as you said, have joy no matter what happens in your life.
I think it is a blessing to you that your mom is able to offer such first hand empathy and experience. Almost as if her experiences had another purpose in preparing her to one day help her own daughter in the same time of life.
I hope you don't find it offensive that I have "enjoyed" reading your blog posts. It is uplifting to see you handle all the situations in your life, a true blessing to others to witness your life.
WE LOVE YOU!
Hey Bethany, I like this forum.
I have read your journals and let me say that I don't begin to know what to say in your time of grief and trying to understand things because if you haven't experienced it yourself....then you can't truly feel what the person is going through. But, I can say that I have experienced many times of not understanding why God allows the things He allows in our lives and how can they be for our good. But, just as you are so we all must trust and know that He has the BIG picture in sight and it all really does work out for our good. There will be answers....maybe not until Heaven, but there will be answers...and then we can look back and see that it all really was for the best even though at the time it seemed the worst.
My mom also went through a miscarriage as you speak of your mom's. I was six. Her baby was full term and went to be with God just 1 week short of delivery. She also has a special time of remembering every August.
You will always remember Anastasia with a special love and never forget her....but you will heal with God's love and His grace only He can give you.
Keep trusting and KNOW that God is there with you carrying you each step of the way.
Love ~ Debby
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