Finally, some pictures!!!

My fist slideshow

Next step

Behind me, playing on the television as background noise is a program called "Our 27 children". It is absolutely amazing. This family has adopted 23 special needs children, along with giving birth to four others. It completely inspires me. I have always always planned to adopt. When I started having babies I let that dream get a little dim. It is now renewed, bright and shining again. I don't think I could handle 27 kids, but I want to make sure that I am open to whatever it is that God has for me. In 20 years, we'll just have to see where I am. I really want to love children - any and all, whatever their family history, medical needs, and however many God puts in my life. I don't think Andy is quite as open in the area of numbers, but he is willing to love any child, however they end up in our family. So, here I am, ready. When I first lost my baby I couldn't even consider another baby. I just needed to mourn for her. Then my friend Naomi lost her baby, and I mourned again. But now I am ready. It seems like it is time to look forward. So, once again, here I am, ready and waiting. If anyone hears a word from God for me, please pass it along. I think my biggest question right now is, "what is the next step?" Do I start that paperwork to get an international adoption? Do I place myself on a list for a baby in the foster system? I want to see a picture, or hear a story and just know. It sounds strange, but I don't want to have to look for my baby. I just want God to lead me to him or her.

On a completely different note... homeschooling is going really well. Since Canaan is only 4, I am trying to make it very laid back. I think he is really enjoying it. He asks me every morning if he can do school. We put the flag up outside, and do a little bit of desk work, then play educational games. It is really cute. Today he practiced writing our phone number. It just feels really great to be teaching again. I have missed it. He really is an easy kid.

Zion, on the other hand, is a little pistol. He keeps me on my toes every minute that he is awake. Yesterday when I put him down for his nap, he reached across his changing table, and pulled about 30 wipes out of the container. He then got ahold of the Desitin, and squirted it in his hair. In his HAIR!! For any of you who don't have babies, Desitin is a diaper rash ointment, and it is super thick, and fairly sticky. It does not do well in hair. Today during coloring time Canaan made a book. Very age appropriate, but creative. Zion colored himself. Also very age appropriate. I had forgotten how busy this age is.

We have almost completely unpacked now. My sisters came down this weekend to see my new house, and helped do a little more decorating. I have done most of it by myself, which is very out of the ordinary, but they helped do some finishing touches in my bedroom. I am beginning to feel settled. Today we planted trees. We put a Maple in the front, and a Chinese Pistache (sp?) in the back. I feel like such a homeowner, planting a tree in our yard. It feels really good.

Andy has now switched the channel to WWE Raw, so I think I better go. I can't stand to sit here and listen to it, and the computer is right next to the tv. That narrows my choices. My next project is going to be figuring out how to put pictures on here, so keep your eyes posted. Until then.... Blessings

An update and a prayer request

I was re-reading my last post before I started this one and it made me laugh. On the way down to help me move into my new house my Mom spilled her coke in her lap, all over her cell phone. Needless to say, it no longer worked. So, she stopped at a rest area to use a pay phone. It told her to insert $3.25. Three Twenty Five, for one phone call. She thought that was ridiculous, so instead she looked around the parking lot, picked a likely looking traveler and asked to borrow their cell phone. She then realized that she did not have my phone number memorized. She just always pushes "Bethany" on her cell phone memory, and had no idea what my actual number was. So, she had to call Dad and ask him to find my number, then, while still using the poor stranger's cell phone, she had to call me and get the rest of the directions to my house. The plan had been that she would call when she got to the exit and I would tell her the rest then. So, here she was, about 40 miles away, and no idea how to actually get to my house, and no phone. It just seems so ironic to me that just a few days after I had written about our dependence on cell phones, my Mom got stuck without one, and truly needed it.
By the way, diet coke does completely fry a cell phone. Hers is still broken....
We are moved in, settling nicely. Mom took Zion back home with her, so I have gotten a lot done. Tomorrow we are headed back to N. GA to get him. It has been so nice, and I have gotten so much done with out him here, but I am missing him like crazy. It has felt so strange to only have one kid. Canaan is so self sufficient too. He entertains himself for hours on end without any input from me. Zion still needs constant attention. I can't imagine how strange life would be without my Zion.

I have a prayer request to post here. I talked to one of my best friends today and found out that her baby died this week. She was 25 weeks pregnant, and this happened with no warning, and at this point and time they still don't know why. She was a huge help to me when I was mourning Anastasia, because she had lost a baby before too, last time at 32 weeks. I know how much it hurt at six weeks, because we had already planned, and gotten excited, and dreamed. I know that at 25 weeks you have had a lot more time to bond, and dream and plan, and it has to be a thousand times harder. Please pray for Naomi and her family. She will still have to labor to deliver the body, and that just stinks. They are planning to induce her on Friday, so please keep her in your prayers. The baby's name is Ruth, and she has five big brothers who are taking it really hard.
I hurt for her. It is so hard not to ask "why", even though I know it is a stupid question. I want to fix it, make it all go away, and I can't. She is so strong, and her faith is holding her up exactly as it should, but I know she is struggling with the why. So please, pray for my friend Naomi.

Moving

I am about to drive up to the cable office and turn in my cable box and internet modem, so I will be unavailable for several days. This shows how addicted to the intenet I am though - I already have an appointment scheduled for the cable man to come out on Sat and turn it on. Today is Tuesday and I am turning it off. I will have it back up and running at my new house in Hahira by Saturday. For some reason I find that highly amusing. I am so spoiled.
Yesterday when we were driving back to NC (after finally getting an all clear on Zion's breathing, and taking him over to GA on Sunday afternoon) I saw a man using a payphone. I don't think I have ever used a payphone. Pretty much my entire adult life I have had a cell phone. In fact, I don't currently have a home phone. Every since January we have been a cell phone only family. It is just such a foreign concept to me to imagine needing to use a pay phone. I am so spoiled!!! I remember when I was a kid my Aunt and Uncle had "car phones", which were the bulky predecessors of cell phones. Those seemed so fancy, out of our reach, and unnecessary. Now I cannot imagine not having a phone with me at all times. In a couple of days we will be moving, and I will follow behind the moving truck. Andy and I will probably talk frequently, deciding where to get off to eat, get gas, etc. I remember when I was a kid we would follow the moving truck (quite often actually, with my parent's moving record) and have to honk, or flash our lights, or try to pass to get Dad's attention. One time we got seperated in Memphis, moving to Colorado and we just had to stop and pray, because we had no idea how to find Dad again. Back then my parents didn't have credit cards either, so Mom was stuck with four kids, no idea where Dad was, and very little money. I am just so glad that I will never have to experience that again. I love my cell phone!!!
Andy is ready to go, so I better scram. I'll be back in touch again after we get to our new house!

It's always something, right?

I will first preface this blog by saying, "everyone is fine". With that said... Today I spent four hours in the ER. I think that nicely sums up my life right now. Nothing goes the way I currently have planned. What we planned to do was drive to our new house, give it a deep cleaning before we move in next weekend, and leave the car down there, so we don't have to tow it behind the moving truck. Then, we were going to drive Andy's truck up to N. GA and go camping with my family, have lunch with Andy's family, and leave the boys with my parents while we get ready to move. It was a very full weekend, but because of Labor Day we have a long weekend and I felt confindent we could get it all done. I guess that is my downfall, depending on my own plans too much. Yesterday Zion woke up with a slight runny nose and tiny little cough. By bedtime, it was a full cough, so I gave him his inhaler (to be used as needed, and he hasn't needed it since June) and a decongestant. He was up at 2, and 4 and 5. At 7 I called the doctor's office and got him an appointment for 11. By nine, he was having to work so hard to breath that I knew we weren't going to be able to wait until 11. So, we loaded up and headed to the ER.
They got him in almost immediately, and treated him with the full strength Nebulizer that I don't have at home. Andy was able to come and join us less than 30 minutes after we got there, and I truly have nothing to complain about. But seriously, 4 hours! Four hours is a long time! He has an upper respiratory infection, and either bronchitis or bronchialitis ( I can't remember which, nor do I know how to spell either), but it is not pnemonia. They talked about keeping him overnight for observation (gasp), took an X-ray for precautions sake, then simply renewed his Albuteral prescription, and gave him some sort of liquid steriod. He is still pretty raspy, and they want to see him again on Sat., but all in all, it was a very happy ending to a very long morning.
While we were there a little girl was brought in who was completely covered in a bright red rash. Her entire torso and face looked like they were on fire. She was crying, or course, which made Zion quit crying and watch her. About 10 minutes later, they switched. Zion cried, and she just watched him in wonder. I overheard them talking when they released her, and it turns out it was an allergic reaction to an ant bite. I have always heard about bee stings, or wasps possibly, but I have never heard of such an extreme reaction to an ant. Wow, something new to add to the list of things to worry about!
I already have a new plan for the weekend, but I am trying to learn my lesson and not depend on my plans too much. I guess we shall see what we shall see. Eventually I am hoping to take the boys, and both of our vehicles to GA, and leave the boys and one vehicle there. But, I won't count my chickens before they are hatched. For now, I am just going to go to bed, and hope that I get to stay there all night long!

23 years

My Mom checked in with me today, as she does almost every day. She was telling me of how many people are sending their love and support, and I felt very loved. But something she said really hit me, made me stop and think.... someone had asked her how long the normal mourning period for losing a baby was. She had to stop and consider it for a moment before realizing that it is forever. She had her first miscarriage about 23 years ago. She still misses that baby. Not every day, not even every week. But forever that part of her, as well as the later miscarriages too, will be slightly painful. That first miscarriage is only a vague memory for me - I was only 5 - but her later ones are still actually painful for me. Every year I think of them around thier due dates, and again in the spring, when they died. For some reason it helped to realize that I still hurt for them, and they were not even physically mine. If I still hurt for them, years later, it is okay that I still hurt for my little baby. I have always talked to my babies, when they were growing inside. I had already started talking to Anastasia, and have caught myself doing it still. She isn't growing inside me anymore, but I think it helps me to tell her how much I wanted her. How very much she was loved. How happy I am for her, that she is safe in heaven, and surrounded by even more love then I could give her.

That is enough for now. I really am planning to write something happy soon. I have happy thoughts, but for some reason, when I sit down here, the sad things are what come out. One day at a time I guess.

Life

So, to tell the story of last week, I have to rewind a little and give a bit of the backstory. About 4 weeks ago Andy got a vasectomy. I planned to blog about that, but I was still trying to understand my feelings on the issue. We reached the decision mutually, but I was definitely the reluctant partner in the decision. After quite a bit of prayer, and being reminded multiple times about the danger of being pregnant and diabetic, as well as my lifelong plan to adopt, I felt really comfortable taking this permenant step to giving birth to children. I will say it hurt a little, because I love being pregnant, and I love breastfeeding, and I love those teeny tiny little toes and first monumental milestones, but I was truly comfortable about the direction of our future.
Less than one week after Andy's surgery we were in south GA, looking at houses for sale, exploring the Valdosta area, meeting up with some old friends. It was a wonderful time. We left the boys with my parents, found a wonderful house in the middle of foreclosure, put in a bid, and had the bid accepted. It was busy, and stressful, but all going according to plan. At the two week mark after Andy's surgery I finally stopped to breath and realized that I was nearly a week late. Yes, that kind of "late". Surely not! We were cautious. We had made that final decision, and done something about it. What in the world?
Joy of Joys, Happy happy surprise, I was pregnant. Two definite pink lines. It changed all our plans, but in a wonderfully happy way. Our little 3 bedroom house was going to be a little tighter with three kids, but no biggie. Our move was going to be a little harder, since I needed to be careful not to lift too much, or wear myself out, but no biggie. We found out on a Sunday (although I had been very suspicious for several days already). I spent that week making plans, telling many of my friends (but not all, so don't be offended if you were one who had not been called yet), already picking out names. I had a really great discusion with my friend Naomi about how scary it is to be a Mom, but how we must trust that God the father loves our children even more than we do. That thought in itself is overwhelming, because I can't imagine a bigger love than what I feel for my children, but I do believe in it. Naomi is pregnant too, and has five beautiful healthy boys, but she has lost a child in the past and I remember her telling me that no matter what she has to trust that God loves her children more than her. I completely agreed, still do agree. I think God was trying to give my warning, to prepare me. During worship on Sunday He kept reminding me that this baby, whom I already loved, was His first. She or He belonged to God first. I think I knew already then.... the bleeding started that night. I held onto this tiny thread of hope. The ultrasound was inconclusive... maybe the baby was just 4 weeks, instead of six. Maybe the bleeding was just a random fluke. But I knew. and I was broken. This huge question loomed over me. Why? Why did I lose this baby? What did I do wrong? Why did I even get pregnant, when I was content with my life the way it was. Why would God do this to me. I didn't want to ask these questions, because I know there is no answer, but they wouldn't stop coming. Then, my mom said the perfect thing. I think God spoke, he just used her voice. Bethany, God doesn't cause these things to happen. God created this world to be perfect, with no pain, and no sorrow, and no seperation from Him. But this world did not stay the way he created it. Sin corrupted it, and now things happen which are not the way God originally planned them. God did not cause this to happen. Sin, and an imperfect world did. Later, when I talked to my friend Naomi again she told me that when she lost her baby she could feel God there, mourning with her. God is mourning with me, and that helps so much.
I don't know what comes next. It has been a whole week now, and physically I am back to normal. It is almost like she never existed, which hurts too. Obviously, since I was only six weeks along, we can't know if it was a boy or girl, but I feel like she was my daughter. Her name is Anastasia, which means "resurrection". That is where we will see her, so it seems like a fitting name.
For now, I keep packing boxes, and cooking meals, and doing dishes, and giving lots and lots of love to my beautiful boys. I know that my family is not complete, and when it is time, we will find the next addition. Until then, I am trying to once again live each day with Joy. Happiness doesn't always come easy, but joy is unending. For that I am grateful.
We are moving to Hahira GA in about 9 days. Moody AFB, here we come. From there, life comes one day at a time.

Just the beginning...

Since I have decided to start a blog, I think that I will begin it with a simple note first. I need someplace to express my feelings, and I love getting comments on my thoughts, so this seems to be the perfect forum. I can't make any promises about how often, or what I will write about, but I can promise it will always be true, and it will always be from the heart. I have A LOT on my heart that I would like to express right now, but my boys are both awake, so it will have to wait. (Serious writing it only accomplished when at least one of them is asleep) I guess for now we will consider this... to be continued....