Still healing

I heard a really great message on the radio the other day, about how we need to appreciate our time with God. Not let it just become routine, the same all the time, dry. I was convicted. I have been pretty faithful lately, keeping up with my Bible reading plan, even learning new things. But I have definitely lost something lately. I am pretty sure I know what it is. I am not really letting myself be honest with God. I stick to the safe topics... thanks for my wonderful kids, beautiful house, hard working husband, etc. My prayers are crying out with one question.... over and over, and I won't let myself ask, because I know there is no answer. Why is it when we know the answer, or that there is no answer, it is still really hard to just let it go?
The worst part is that there are so many people who have lost so much more than I have. When I hear stories, even meet people, who are rightfully upset I feel so ridiculous. Why can't I get over a tiny little pea, whom I only knew about for a week. I would be 20 weeks now. We would know if it was a girl or boy. I would be signing my Christmas cards Andy, Bethany, Canaan, Zion and baby. I torture myself, and I know that. It is a choice, to let myself suffer, and sometimes I chose correctly.... sometimes I don't.
I guess what I need to do it just ask. I know God isn't angry when we ask stupid questions. He created us. Hopefully he understands us better than we do. So even though there is no answer possible, I have to ask Why. There is no why, no reason, but I have to put my pain and confusion back in his hands. I am sure I will try to steal it back again. Pain is beautiful to let go of, but so tempting to pick back up again.
There are so many others, who hurt so much worse. I try to think of them instead. It doesn't seem as selfish to cry for others, to feel their pain just a tiny bit.