I heard a really great message on the radio the other day, about how we need to appreciate our time with God. Not let it just become routine, the same all the time, dry. I was convicted. I have been pretty faithful lately, keeping up with my Bible reading plan, even learning new things. But I have definitely lost something lately. I am pretty sure I know what it is. I am not really letting myself be honest with God. I stick to the safe topics... thanks for my wonderful kids, beautiful house, hard working husband, etc. My prayers are crying out with one question.... over and over, and I won't let myself ask, because I know there is no answer. Why is it when we know the answer, or that there is no answer, it is still really hard to just let it go?
The worst part is that there are so many people who have lost so much more than I have. When I hear stories, even meet people, who are rightfully upset I feel so ridiculous. Why can't I get over a tiny little pea, whom I only knew about for a week. I would be 20 weeks now. We would know if it was a girl or boy. I would be signing my Christmas cards Andy, Bethany, Canaan, Zion and baby. I torture myself, and I know that. It is a choice, to let myself suffer, and sometimes I chose correctly.... sometimes I don't.
I guess what I need to do it just ask. I know God isn't angry when we ask stupid questions. He created us. Hopefully he understands us better than we do. So even though there is no answer possible, I have to ask Why. There is no why, no reason, but I have to put my pain and confusion back in his hands. I am sure I will try to steal it back again. Pain is beautiful to let go of, but so tempting to pick back up again.
There are so many others, who hurt so much worse. I try to think of them instead. It doesn't seem as selfish to cry for others, to feel their pain just a tiny bit.
Who writes this stuff?
- Andysbethy
- I try to keep my priorities in order: Jesus, my Andy, our children, everything else. I homeschool our boys, love to read almost all written words and have been challenged by the military life for 18 years. Right now my faulty human body is demanding a lot of attention. One day at a time, learning as much as possible every day and remembering to look for JOY when other things threaten to overwhelm.
3 comments:
Bethany,
I'm not even sure if you know that I read your blog - I've been lurking for a while now. I love to read your reflections about motherhood and raising boys! I just have to comment on this post - you are not being selfish. It's ok to let yourself grieve. You have a heart full of LOVE, not selfishness, and God can handle your questions. I just wanted to let you know that I love you and am here, praying for you AND learning from you.
With love,
Lindsay
I am so sorry to hear you are feeling down....I have read things about "what not to say" to someone who is grieving for someone, and one of the things is just something that I think I would take comfort in so I am going to say it anyway....
How much happier your baby is in heaven than in this dangerous evil world. Not that the world is all bad or anything, but your child got to skip all this "stuff" and get straight to the good part!
I know that nothing could possibly be a "fix it" in your situation, and I am sorry for that. I can't begin to say that I begin to understand what you are doing through....so I guess the best things for you to do are to talk it out with people who maybe can....and what a blessing that your mom can be that for you!
I know you have some happy days ahead! God is working all things for your good!!!
Oh Bethany - Just know that it's all perfectly normal. It seems like the pregnancy milestones hit pretty hard. For me, it was the 20-week mark, then the third-tri mark, and all of the holidays when I'd already figured out how far along I would have been.
Even when months have gone by, it can still hit you. I had a REALLY bad day right before Thanksgiving, because all of a sudden I realized that at that time last year, I'd been planning on a Thanksgiving & Christmas with two babies in 2007. :-S Marking the time is just such a NORMAL part of the grief process.
Be gentle with yourself. Don't demand that you should "be over it by now." That baby will ALWAYS be your baby, and you'll always have her in your heart. The day WILL come that it doesn't hurt so badly, I promise.
Hang in there, my friend. (((Hugs)))
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