Emotions thrown up all over the place

So many thoughts running through my head. Emotions needing spilled, again.

I have a blog on Harry Potter, crying out to be written, but tonight is not the night. (Although it needs to be soon before I read too many other books and forget too much!)

The last few days have been really rough, physically. I can go weeks without feeling a single absence seizure. I suppose that even though I can't feel them, they are still happening? The meds are just masking them? I don't know. Over the last three days I have felt them, strongly.

I have instructions from my doctor to simply take an extra Topamax "as needed". On top of the seizures making me tired, and the catchup from VBS wearing me out, I now have MORE Topamax in my system. So, tonight when the boys were in the tub I laid down, just for a second.

I fell about 90% asleep.

I heard Canaan calling for me, "Mommy, can we get out of the bath now? I can't reach my towel". Poor Z hadn't even had his hair washed yet.

As Canaan was drying off I apologized for leaving them so long. He turned to me and said, "That's okay mommy. I was just afraid we were going to have to come and get you. What if you had had a seizure?"

My heart broke just a little.

I know there are other seven year olds out there who have heavier burdens to bear. But I didn't want my seven year old to have to bear a burden at all. The fact that he has to spend even one minute of his day worrying that I might have had a seizure, that makes me sad. He's not supposed to worry about me - that is role reversal in it's purest form.

However, I must say I am so glad it is me that is sick, and not him. I would much rather him worry about me, and be gloriously healthy himself than the other way around. A fabulous blog that I read, another military wife and mom, was writing this weekend about her son's battle with cancer. She knows about a real broken heart. I can only pray that I never have to know that fear.

In other news...

Tomorrow, unless things change again, is Andy's interview with the Army officer board. It has already changed once, so I am trying not to get too "set", but this one sounds pretty certain. So, big possibility. We can only wait and see. Every little thing that could slow his package down has happened. And every time it has looked like it was going to be impossible, it has worked out. So, if it is not going to go, we will know that God is in charge of that.

But oh, we would like it to go!

One day left

I knew that VBS week was going to be killer. Truly, I did. But knowing it, and actually living it are two completely different things.

All week I have been saying to myself, "Bethany, you just reappeared in the world of blogging. This is no time to disappear again." But every night, I have simply crashed. Today however, I fell asleep in an exhausted heap from 3:30 to 4, so I have a small second wind built in.

Two sad thing I have learned this week: 1.) It is really hard to get your body onto a new schedule. 2am -9am versus 12-7... they are the same amount of sleep, but when your body is use to one, it really hurts to try to go to bed "early" and get up "early". I have been trying to get to bed by 11, but my body just struggles with that. Plus, with VBS taking up 8-12:30 every day, and there still being the normal schedule of Tang soo do for C, speech therapy for Z, and well, things like laundry, grocery shopping, returning library books, cooking an actual meal and then putting the dishes in the dishwasher....

I am making myself tired just writing about it.

But back to my original point. The second sad thing I learned is that I am not happy with my new camera. I have heard great reviews about this model, but mine is not great AT ALL. I can get decent pictures with it, but I have to work for them. With kids, I don't want to have to work for them. I want them to be easy.

I am not sure if I got a faulty one, or if I am just hard to please. Either way, it is going back tomorrow. I might use it for the final day of VBS, because I don't have time to go research and pick out a new one tonight. But I might just use my old one. I am not pleased.

Thankfully, there have been others taking pictures for VBS. However, I am the only one who has been there every day, all day. One of the fathers is a professional, and has equipment that is amazing. He got some fabulous action shots. But he came for about an hour, two separate days. One of the mothers has a fabulous camera, and an amazing eye for shots. But she was only able to come for half of today. So, it has just been me, three hours a day, every day. I am the one who has (hopefully) gotten the shots of kids loving on each other, bonding with a teacher, learning something cool, painting a fun craft....

Oh the pressure! It is hilarious though. I am in charge of the drama and music on stage so after opening "ceremony" I am a floater until the closing - I take pictures, run errands, find lost items, etc. Several of the kids just assume that I am coming to take their picture. As soon as they see me walking their direction, they pose. A couple of the others have taken to telling me "no flash photography allowed" as soon as I get close. I have been sure to get several shots of them, just to be annoying!

These are my drama teens. The one not in costume runs our sound and video. They have all been fabulous!

These girls are two of my shutter bugs.

They love to ham it up, and then immediately want to see their picture.

I loved this shot of all the shoes.

They had to take them off before they played the game that required them to do things like

hula hoop in jello,

or stand in a bucket of ice!

There are more pictures I would add, but they will have to be edited first. The kids all wore name tags, and I don't think it would be wise to post their names across the web.

As exhausting as it is, I am loving every minute. From dancing enthusiastically on stage, to helping make breakfast kabob "swords of the spirit",

water balloons and hula hoops, 400 pictures, and even cleaning up after the poor little thing that ate too many marshmallows... and you can guess that how story ends. I love Vacation Bible School. Little hearts that are eager to love Jesus, openly, without holding back. It truly is a beautiful thing to be a part of.

Dads

Happy Father's Day... or perhaps, like my dear hubby said when he called his dad this afternoon, "Happy Mother's Day". (he still insists that he said Father's day, but both his dad and I insist that we heard mother...)

I have been very blessed to have fabulous men in my life, always.

My Daddy is in India this year for Father's day. He went to celebrate the 80th birthday of his friend, and has stayed now to mourn with him the passing of his amazing wife. Pain and joy so often go hand and hand. Understanding is not ours - at least not while we are here on this earth.

Sometimes I comfort myself by saying that "when I get to heaven I can ask God 'why'?". But truthfully, I think that when I get there, I will be too full of praise, and joy and celebration to remember any questions.

Lots of things hurt now, here on earth. So many questions don't have answers, and quite honestly, it is downright annoying. But, in the really big picture, how important are those questions?

As I said though, I have always had amazing men in my life.

My Papaw (my mom's dad) loved Jesus with such enthusiasm that it was contagious, and had a joy that poured out of him. I was only seven when he went into a coma, but my memories of him are strong enough that even at that young of an age he has influenced my entire life.

My Daddy Bill (my dad's dad) has been a constant. He is not the open and sharing type - I am not sure I have ever seen him show anything emotion stronger then a simple smile or frown. He may not be outward with his hugs and smiles, but he always made sure to ask about our school projects and summer plans. Rock steady and always there. Now the great grandkids are loosening him up a bit.

But my dad- he is amazing. He sometimes wanted to take after his dad, and try not to share his emotions. But my mom is very much her father's daughter. Everything in the open, good and bad, share it all equally. Then, they had four daughters. My poor dad was doomed. A house full of girls, with Sharp genes in them. Well, emotions were not going to be contained, that was for sure!

When we were growing up he would read us our bedtime story, and bible, and pray with us before bed. I have such wonderful memories of cuddling up to him, looking over his shoulder while he read. Even when I got too old to listen to stories, I would sometimes still curl up and listen while he read to my little sisters. The winter we spent in India he read the Hobbit. When I read it now to my boys, I still hear his voice.

He taught us about loving Jesus completely. He taught us to always be prepared for the future, but remember to live each day like it could be our last. He taught us responsibility. He taught us about trust, and love, and faith. Especially faith - those giant leaps of faith. He was, and is, a man who will step out, even when he can't see where his foot is going to land. That is sort of amazing actually, because my Dad was a computer programmer, boyscout, everything in it's place sort of guy before he met my Mom... and then met Jesus. Jesus asked him to give up a lot of his comfort zone. He still likes to organize his pencils "just so", and file his papers in exactly the right order... but when God said step out in faith, he did. And he continues to.

I am so very glad to have my daddy as an example.

One last story about him. When I was 19 I was feeling adventurous. I went with several of my friends in college and we all got belly button rings. Knowing how conservative my parents were, I was a little worried about what they would think. When my dad found out he didn't yell. He didn't even tell me that I shouldn't have done it. He only gave me a scripture verse, and told me to pray about it. " I can't remember now which one it was, either 1Pet 3:3, or 1Tim 2:9, but they both talk about a woman of God needing no outward adornment, jewels or fancy clothes, but rather being clothed in good works and a quiet spirit, etc. The belly ring only lasted about five days. I am not going to say that I think a belly ring is wrong in any way - but making my daddy think I wanted outward adornment more then a pure spirit - well, that was enough for me.

Thank you dad for teaching me about what is important, every single day.

Now I have another amazing man in my life. That father of my own children. And actually, HIS father too. I am so very thankful for my father in law. He did a wonderful job raising my husband to be a great husband and father.

Andy is currently digging through thousands of lego's to find the missing piece to a set they have been trying to build. That is devotion. That man loves his Savior, loves his country, loves his children, and thankfully, loves me too.

One day at a time, we are raising men who we pray will someday be amazing fathers also.

I'm BAAAACK

I can't really say where I have been these last few weeks. It's not like it is top secret or anything. I just haven't been anywhere specific. I was at Mom's for awhile - two weddings and a triple birthday party packed into one weeks time.

Seven and Five - (and an age which shall not be mentioned...that would be me)

Family picture at wedding number one.

Wedding number two.

Four sisters - Maid of honor, Matron of honor, Wedding Coordinator, and little ole me, who just hops around aimlessly saying "How can I help?".

But wasn't she a beautiful bride!

Mary Faith fixed my hair (and makeup) for the wedding.

I hardly recognized myself!

I have been home for a while - the count down to VBS is this week. And since I can't say no to anything, I am running drama and music.

However, the big event of the week was this....

My family says I am weakening with age - or with time married - or something.

 Andy has been pining for a motorcycle from the day I met him. I have always said "no". Or at least "not right now". But I guess he finally wore me down. He got it cheap, and he is over 30 now, so the insurance is cheap, and he just asked so nicely...

Yeah, I am a sucker for those adorable faces he makes. giggle giggle

Now I get to be a biker chick, sitting up on the back behind my big tough dude. Yep.

We'll just see what happens...

Pure and Holy

Although Potter has been taking most of my free time, I have not given up the "red letters". (or loads and loads of information about ancient Egypt either, but more on that later)

I have been reading the Gospel of John, and this passage really stood out to me the other day. "I have told these men all about you. They were in the world, but then you gave them to me...Holy Father, keep them in your own care- all those you have given me - so that they will be united just as we are, with none missing....Make them pure and holy through teaching them your words of truth... I am not praying this for these alone but also for the future believers who will come to me because of the testimony of these. My prayer for all of them is that they will be of one heart and mind." John 17, misc verses.

Did you read that? Jesus himself prayed for me. And you. He prayed that we would be pure and holy. He prayed that we would understand the words of truth.

I know I have read that multiple times over the course of my life, but for some reason it really hit me last week. He didn't just pray blessings over the men he had worked with and knew personally right then. He prayed specifically for those who would come later.

I know that we have the Holy Spirit, who is a constant, daily help. But for some reason that little prayer for holiness by my Savior, written right there by John - it blessed me.

Be blessed my friends.

Reading, Reading, small break to breath, Read some more!

I have not had words lately. Not that there hasn't been beautiful things happening here. Tricia came to visit. We had the end of the year homeschool P.E. party. Karate practice, which Canaan is making wonderful improvement in. I am sure I will post pictures eventually.

But right now words are only coming in, not going out. That is just how my brain is wired right this minute.

You see, for years now people have been telling me I should read the Harry Potter books. I have always said... sure, one of these days. But, everyone was reading them. I don't usually like to be too trendy. However, not too long ago, someone told me I shouldn't read them. She said that no Christian should read any books that have magic, or vampires, or anything she considered "evil" in it. She listed several specific books in her list that are popular right now. She, however, had not read any of them. Just felt that if they had something "evil" in them, then they shouldn't be read.

Absolutist thinking like that gets my guard up, so, or course, it got me on a mission. Maybe even brought out that little bit of rebellion in me? Being told I shouldn't do something, hmmm. I had already read the Twilight series (which is one of the others that she condemned) but Harry Potter was still on my list. I read the first three and a half last week. After my weekend off to visit, I finished four and have gotten halfway through five.

Potter has sort of taken over my free time.

I think I will wait to write an entire post when I have finished the whole series... but for now I will say that I think that imagination is a fabulous thing. And that it is IMAGINATION.

On the schedule for today ... back to reading!