Choosing Joy

 I am moving very slowly and have had several seizures today so remain tired and confused, but the swelling on my brain is not drastic so I am going home! 

 

I am a swollen mess, but nothing is too horrible. 

 I still appreciate your prayers! 

 Keep your joy my friends. Hold onto it with both hands! 

 Be blessed!

Brain surgery :)

 I am ready. 

 It is pouring down rain and pitch dark out, but I am ready. 

 We were here 20 min early, of course. I am married to a military man. We are never late. 20 min early is almost late :) 

Check in is at 5. I officially start at 7. Andy will send out some text messages and several people will post things to FB, if you care for an update. 

I am ready. Pollyanna has returned! 

 Be blessed my friends. Celebrate every moment. Make that choice! 

Simple truth

 So, the simple truth is, I need you my friends. 

 I am trying to be tough. I am trying to be brave. But I need more prayers, please. 

 To sum myself up...I spoke to my mom this morning who quoted her dad at me- “Bethany, that is stinkin’ thinkin’.” 

 I am dwelling on failure. What if this surgery doesn’t work? What if I still have seizures? What if, what if, what if....

 Just a few days ago I was dwelling on failure of the past, and the things I have not accomplished. I have cried about a LOT in the last week and tortured the males of this household immensely. 

 Now, now we are in the final countdown and I need you my friends. 

 Tomorrow is pre-op, the COVID test, last chat with the surgeon. The day that everything got cancelled last time. I might be more stressed about that than the surgery itself. 

 Friday is surgery. 

 Today, after first devouring the Word of God and being reminded of this beautiful verse in Jeremiah, I decided I needed to spend some more time focused on the positive. So I am reading Pollyanna. Her focus on joy, on finding the good, is such a beautiful reminder. Her ability to change the world, to share that joy, is my life goal. Her moment of almost giving up, of almost losing sight of the good, well, I might be struggling there with her right now...but she is reminded again, and I know I can find it too. 

 So, please my friends, join me. Seek the joy. Find the good. Be blessed, every moment of the journey. And if you have never read Pollyanna, perhaps take a short break from the craziness of your life and let her joy in the middle of hard times encourage you. 

Sorrow, yet...

 I can’t say with confidence when the first time I read Streams in the Desert was. I first wrote about it here, my blog, in 2008 and I don’t think that was my first time reading through. The collection of words that brought hope and comfort, gathered through a time of pain and confusion and later compiled into a book has spoken to me over and over. 

 This time as I read through I have been removing the tiny scraps of post-it notes left from previous journeys and finally christening the paper copy with a highlighter and pen, marking it with color and passion and even some of my own words. 

 It seems appropriate that the reading this morning was a beautiful story summarizing 2 Cor 6:10, “sorrowful, yet always rejoicing.”

 I did a very interesting combination of sobbing and laughing yesterday; sorrow and rejoicing. 

 Habit says that while on the tread climber I watch tv- I use to try to read a book...but it is hard to read, even on an iPad, while walking at a speed decent enough to count as exercise. Yesterday I pulled out a cardboard box we had removed from mom's new place and decided to explore the options given in old VHS and 8MM. I wasn't inclined at the moment to watch my younger sister's dance recitals or stage performances. Andy's graduation from basic training? No, thank you anyway. Canaan's ultrasound was tempting, but that wouldn't have been long enough to exercise to. Then, I found our wedding rehearsal. 

 That was worth watching. 

 Emilee, a few weeks shy of 20, was already practicing her future job as a wedding coordinator, having opinions. Kelsey and Mary Faith, only 15 and 13 made me laugh with their silly antics and faces, and yet also cry, realizing that my children are already older than my youngest siblings were when I got married. Mom was just so beautiful, so excited, so hope filled. Since I am just a few short years away from the age she was then, I love seeing the passion flowing out of her, having that to live up to in my 40's. 

 Two of the women I call my best friends now were not as well known yet then, and I texted both of them, laughing about the things that have changed. 

 Several people who were highly involved and deeply loved have drifted away, not through anything purposeful, just the passage of time and changing locations. I mourned that. 

 Both of the men who performed my wedding are gone. Frank Kaleb died years ago, but seeing that video made me miss him yet again. Mostly though, when Daddy pulled his wedding rehearsal joke and tried to quote the Princess Bride line, well, I simply sobbed. He was horrible at it. Comedy wasn't his strength. Somehow though, that made it funnier, his attempt to be funny. I had to laugh too, even while I sobbed.

 And that circles me back around to "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing."

 That is the choice my friends. 

 It is the CHOICE every single moment. 

“You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!” Psalm‬ ‭30:11-12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

 

 Sorrowful, yet ALWAYS rejoicing. 

 Both, at the same time, and accepting of that. We don't have to understand it. It doesn't have to "make sense" logically. 

 But we have to choose to accept it. 

 Laugh and cry. Mourn and dance. 

 I finished the day by finding and watching the video of the wedding itself, after watching the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner,  and silliness of the pre-ceremony. My three men didn't care for the emotions, weren't impressed with the beauty of ceremony, and didn't want to share the passion with me. 

 But they enthusiastically shared their day's events with me, both the good and the bad, and reminded me to live right now. Rejoicing. Sorrow. Right now. 

 Be blessed my friends, making the choice to see the rejoicing available in the sorrow. 

With Thanksgiving

 I commented to Andy this morning that I hadn’t blogged in a while, that I hadn’t felt that I had anything important to say. His reply was that perhaps it didn’t need to be important, simply real. 

 Perhaps simple? 

 So, here is a simple truth. There are lots of prayers: Painful, heavy, fearful, burdensome prayers. I will not make light of them. I will not ask you to pretend that they are not heavy. But...

 With Thanksgiving

 is the part that stands out. 

 Those burdens will always be there.

 I have a choice though where I place my focus. 

 When I start the day with the things I am thankful for, start each prayer with the things I am thankful for, then, again, end each prayer and each day with the things I am thankful for....well, those burdens that I have handed to HIM in the middle are somehow easier. 

 My attitude is my choice. Mine, and mine alone. So, I will start and end with thanksgiving. 

 Join me? 

 Morning after morning. 

 Evening after evening.

 The middle of the day too. 

 Be blessed my friends, with an attitude of thanksgiving, overflowing with reminders of the good. 

Keep swimming

 Tomorrow came with success.
 We received a rescheduling date. August 28th is the next try for LITT surgery. Exactly four weeks after the cancelled event.

 What I want to talk about for a couple lines though is those first few minutes after the cancellation. I want to be “real” with you. The battle for Joy is hard and I don’t want anyone to think those muscles I spoke about on Thursday don’t get sore some days.

 This has been a rough month, as far as seizures go. I am on a lot of meds again and they are still not working effectively. Seizures are, once again, fairly often.
 I shouldn’t complain. I rarely have Grande Mal’s. I rarely lose bladder control. I rarely throw up. I usually just return to the “real world” in need of a blanket and a nap. We are blessed enough financially that those things are available to me.
 But surgery was a beautiful island of hope. Hope that I could be closer to the “me” that I was before seizures began. Able to drive. Able to go out in public without quite as much preplanning. I will always have diabetes. The insulin pump will always come with me. A snack in case of an emergency low blood sugar. A vial of insulin in case the pump has an error.
 My life will never be “average”... but that island of hope, that seizures could be contained and controlled was almost within reach.
 Then suddenly, Thursday morning, it was yanked out of reach and that morning, when the next date was not yet given, that island seemed farther away then I was capable of seeing, farther away than I was capable of swimming.
 I thought for a few seconds that I might drown before I remembered how to swim.

 So, thank you everyone who was praying for me. Even though your prayers were for my surgery to go well, God reminded me that He hears those prayers and surrounds me with His love in the RIGHT way, in the way that I need to be surrounded.

 I remembered how to swim. I opened my eyes again and could see that island of hope way off in the distance. At that exact moment I still wasn’t sure if I could make it that far, but at least I could see it, and I had remembered how to swim, and that was enough.

 60 hours later life is calmer.
 Obviously, the reminder that it is better for the machine to break before I am in the middle of surgery was a beautiful truth. I had multiple prayer warriors confirm that actual prayer was spoken over me, and I have no doubt that Jesus is guiding the steps that I am taking.
 The next date is scheduled.
 The details of in-laws coming to be with the boys, Andy being off work, and even exact times for COVID test and pre-op appointments are all set, already.

 But I had a seizure today and am tired and discouraged.
 So the prayer given in the Psalms, “Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck,” was a perfect verse to have as a reminder today. My Savior is faithful to do that- to send the verse I need at the moment I need it without me even looking for it.

 Listen. He is always speaking. You will hear Him if you take the time to be still.

Be blessed my friends. One moment at a time. Just keep swimming.