The names bite back

 I wrote recently about names, titles, the things that define us. Things that I love. Names that I am so glad to have as part of my life, as the definition of who I am.

 But I left some out.

 Ones that I can't really say that I am happy about.

 And those decided to come back and remind me of their presence with a passionate fury.

 Right before we left Missouri I stumbled upon a blog called "Texting my Pancreas". As someone who has been diabetic for almost 20 years now, I enjoyed the humor she was able to find in living with the day to day annoyances of the technology connected to diabetes. Trust me, I am grateful for the technology. It certainly makes my life easier - but at the same time, it is a lot to keep track of too! The whole theme behind the title, someone thinking that her insulin pump was a phone and that she was texting during dinner - that is my life.

 That was one name I left off the list. It stays constant, and usually under control. Diabetes comes with ups and downs. Low blood sugars make me dizzy, woozy and often silly. High blood sugars make me lethargic, depressed and often grumpy.

However, after 20 years, I like to think I am pretty good at being diabetic.

 But epileptic, that is still new.

 I have a hard time even claiming that name, that title. Three years- They started in July 2008 and that first year was filled with "auras" and an unsure diagnosis. The second year was off with a bang, with a full scale grande mal seizure just days after Andy returned from Afghanistan, and still unsure of an exact diagnosis. This third year I had finally adjusted to meds, felt comfortable driving short distances again and wasn't as exhausted all the time.

 But last week my body decided to throw that all out the window.

 My official diagnosis is "localized partial seizures". I am on enough medicine that my body continues to function most of the time even when a partial seizure occurs. I sometimes "blank out" for 2-3 seconds, but most of the time no one but those who love me most would even notice.

 But for some reason last week my brain got overwhelmed and decided that my medicine wasn't enough anymore. I had several "blank outs" on Tuesday, longer then usual - more like 10-12 seconds. Which doesn't sound like much, but it makes you afraid to drive. Because of the meds I can function during an "aura", but it hurts like crazy. It is so much easier to close my eyes!

 On Wednesday though something more then usual happened. Whatever misfired in there made my memory go away for several hours. And that is terrifying.

 Terrifying.

 I knew my parents, sisters, children and oh, how I clung to the thought of Andy. And somehow, two of my best friends stayed real. But everything, and everyone, else was gone. I was asking my mom to tell me about the birth of my children, because I couldn't remember. I could see a picture of my wedding on the wall in my parent's living room - but I couldn't remember my wedding. Even the two friends that I could remember, I made mom tell me how I knew them, how I met them, why they were my best friends. I couldn't remember why, I just knew that they were.

 My dad put the boys to bed for me, and I laid on my mom's lap and cried. Little by little my world came back to me. I sat in bed later that night and looked at pictures, absorbing as many faces as I could. People that I truly could not find only a few hours earlier. People that I LOVE.

 Terrifying. I cannot say that enough.

  On thursday morning I was still a little foggy, but functioning. We called the Neurologist I used to see when I lived here and he called in a new drug for me.

 Mom dropped everything for the weekend and took me to Columbus so I could see Andy at Airborne school. I knew that it was all just a misfire in my brain. I had talked to him on the phone, heard his voice, made sure he was real. He even took the time to talk about stupid college memories, when all he really wanted to do was complain about jumping out of towers.

 But I really needed to see him. I am slightly addicted...

 So here I am, a refried brain, new meds once again, and getting ready to move in just one week.

 Sigh.

 Epileptic is one of my titles, a name that belongs to me, and I will remember that next time I describe myself. It doesn't have to be negative. It doesn't have to drag me down. (although with the first new medicine the doc gave me last week everything sent me into a fit of crying... so it definitely "dragged me down"! Drug #2 seems to be working better) In fact, I will try, try, to remember to praise Him for it.

"Your love, oh Lord, reaches to the heavens, Your faithfulness to the skies. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, Your justice like the great deep. Oh Lord, you preserve both man and beast." Psalm 36:5-6

 I am who I am. And that is a lot to keep track of! Praise God for technology, for family, for my beautiful addiction who loves me back, and most of all that I can trust HIM to take me where I am supposed to be. Memories are beautiful. I am so thankful for them. But what I look for, more importantly, are the ones to come. Those old, overused saying are around for a good reason... because they mean something. So I will say with feeling, "Tomorrow is a gift". I will open it with joy, live it with faith, and close it with the hope of another to come.

 That is all I can ask for.

 "Every good gift and perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." James 1:17

 Please, remember to appreciate every memory, and every moment that is becoming a memory for later.

 Blessings, 

It's a small, small world after all

 My sister Emilee is addicted to Pinterest. She recently decided that she should introduce me, and try to make me addicted too.

 It may be working... but that isn't the point of this discussion.

 What struck me while roaming around the amazing world of Pinterest is how very, very small the world is now that we are all connected through the internet.

 You see, on Pinterest you create "boards" where you "pin" things that interest you - things that you want to remember. One of the boards I created was, surprise, "green living". When I searched Pinterest for green living ideas I stumbled upon MYSELF.

  I cannot express how extremely weird that was.

 Someone had read my blog about homemade bodywash, pinned it, and it had passed through the Pinternet world.

 I wondered why I had gotten two comments on it lately!

 In some ways it made me want to remove my children's names from my blog and quit all discussions about where we live. I understand now why my sister quit blogging when she had her daughter! But we are out there already, and I cannot quit now. Some moments the words get stuck, but it is impossible to keep them contained completely. I need to write. So we stay...

 Right now - these pictures from a few days before we left Missouri have been begging to come out and play.

This dew covered spiderweb is what started the adventure.

This field of beauty in the midst of construction was only one street over - just a direction we had never ventured.

Hard at work

Enjoying the sunshine

And sharing nicely, at peace with the world around them. 

We weren't thrilled to be in MO. The 4 months there were a stressful, crazy, random. But, we were together, learning, and, I hope, remembering to enjoy the beauty around us. 

 Blessings, 

Number 32 in picture format!

 I did some rearranging yesterday and tonight, here in blog land. I really should be rearranging "real" stuff here at my parent's house, packing up to move to Ft. Bragg. But Andy is gone and the bed is half empty - so I play on the internet instead.

 I feel like Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride, but what I shall say is - "let me sum up."

 Andy graduated CBOLC on tuesday and we left Missouri ASAP. Andy drove the 12 hours to my parent's in Georgia and we fell into bed exhausted around 2am.
 The next morning we unloaded the trailer full of our stuff, met some family at the mall for lunch and left the boys with my sister.
 Amazingly, we (barely) beat the traffic out of Atlanta and made it to Ft. Gordon, finally getting to meet our new niece, Britton!

 After seeing sweet Ani up and off to school on Thursday we headed toward Fayetteville, NC and the wonderful Ft. Bragg.

 And the search began.

 We had been looking at houses online for days, but you really can't tell what you are looking at until you see it in person. You have to see the neighborhood, the carpet, the backyard before you know if it really what they are trying to present to you. To "sell" to you, even as a rental.

 We got to know the city fairly quickly, and figured out where we didn't want to live!

On a completely unrelated note: Thursday was the 12th anniversary of our first date, so we cancelled the quest at a decent hour and had a date. Slightly different then our first one, (since our first date had peanut butter sandwiches and this one included a hot tub) but I have no complaints! It was a fabulous break in a haphazard week full of driving and searching for a house.

 Twelve years!

 Friday was the day. Beginning bright and early, we were determined to find a house.

 And determination paid off. We went from one side of Fayetteville to the other, making sure we had explored every option. But we found it!

 When Andy finishes Airborne school in 3 weeks we will have somewhere to live.

 Now I just have to figure out how to get everything from here to there. Fun, fun!

Blessings, 

32

In the middle of cleaning the walls and wiping out the cabinets I had to stop for a minute and breathe. Where better to take a break then the place I can best be myself?

 Obviously, being in the middle of a move, I have been thinking about moving. I move a lot. A LOT. Always have.

 I almost can't imagine life without it.

 The new house, new rooms, new places to put my furniture - it is almost as if everything is new again.

 The new stores, new foods, new backroads and twisty discoveries of nature - an adventure waiting to happen.

 The new friends to form lifelong bonds with - as long as the old ones don't forget me, well I am always happy to make more!

 The new gathering of followers, lovers, of, Jesus to join with - that is sometimes harder to find, and slightly frustrating. But eventually He leads us where we are supposed to be.

 I have been moving my whole life. I exaggerate not.

 When my parents brought me home from the hospital they lived in married student housing at college. Not approved for children. Within weeks they moved. Dad finished college: moved. If you count those two, I was moving into my 6th location before I was 6.

 If you count dorm rooms in college, this house we are leaving is my 31st place to live. Which means we are headed into number 32.

 I am 32.

 And that is only counting houses. That doesn't count separate moves. I have gone back to my parents more times then I want to count!

 No wonder I am good at it!

 I don't think I would take the time to clean out the inside of my cabinets without the incentive of a move. I am pretty sure I wouldn't clean the doorknobs nearly as often as I end up doing it. And my microwaves and refrigerators hardly have a chance to get dirty.

 Moving is good for me. Perfect for me. Moving sort of defines me.

 And I wouldn't change my life for anything.

 But after this 4 month stint, I am unbelievably ready for a real bed!

 Blessings,