First, I figured I would have plenty of time to write while I was in the hospital.
Secondly, well, I didn't really want to talk about going to the hospital in the first place.
It has been planned for over a month. It really isn't that traumatic. You see, these stupid little pauses my brain decides to take, (localized partial seizures) the doctors want to get an up close and personal look at them. So, 3-5 days in the hospital, EEG strapped to my head, on video at all times... mostly it is just invasive. The only part that is slightly traumatic is that they really need me to have as many seizures as possible.
Right now I have them mostly under control. 2-3 a week. Very mild.
They want full fledged, as many as possible.
So that is what I have been stressing about. My medicine, which I have a love/hate relationship with, going away. The fear of a "real" seizure.
I remember what it was like four years ago when they first started. I remember what it was like three years ago when I had the "grande mal". So fear, fear is what has kept me from writing. Because if I didn't write it down, then I didn't have to actually believe it was true.
Last week, I actually listened to God.
You know how sometimes He prompts you to do something, just something minor, and you simply put it off. "Seriously Lord? That isn't even my job!"
But I listened.
And I am so glad.
You see, for some reason, somehow, UNC hadn't filled out the paperwork properly for Tri-care to approve my stay in the hospital. So when I called "just to check" on Monday, there was no record of it in their system.
So all week this week has been "ring around the rosy" with doctors and insurance, and case managers, and back again. I am fairly confident I have talked to every department with-in Tricare...
The final word was that it takes 3-5 days for the official decision to be made, and the proper paperwork was not finally turned in until Friday.
So, I will not be checking into UNC on Monday.
I could have just gone. And hoped that it was approved. But if they said no, I would be left with the bill myself. And as much as I want to be well, to be done with meds, I can't really afford to pay that myself. So we will wait. After all that planning, with the grand-parents coming to take care of the boys and Andy getting time off. All that talking myself into it, and conquering my fear. Now, we wait again.
Their next open appt. is the week of Thanksgiving. Sun-Thur actually. Anyone want to come spend the week of Thanksgiving watching my boys?
For now, I have a few week of respite. And, now that I have posted it, it is real. So perhaps I can write again!
Tomorrow is full of life. Worship with friends. The end of season celebration for soccer. Joy for the realization that I will be home later this week to see my children dress up in their funny costumes, and to answer the door and hand out rubber spiders and decorated pencils. Life is good. My family is amazing. My Savior is awe inspiring.
Tonight I simply say Goodnight.