Choose what you see

 You can’t always get what you want… but as The Rolling Stones say, you get what you need. 

 I have to be reminded of that sometimes. That line, sung by a drug addled group of hippies who I disagree with on most points of life, called out to me today. My amazing Savior used their words to speak His truth. Isn’t it beautiful how He does that? 

 Here is the simple truth- what I “want” isn’t happening a lot recently. 

 I am caught in a complicated question- when is “fighting for what you want” no longer good? How long are you suppose to push for what seems right before you simply say “I must be wrong”? 

 But as God, and The Rolling Stones, reminded me today, I have what I need. 

 There are multiple unanswered questions in the lives of Bethany and Andy right now, but we have a roof over our head, delicious food in the pantry, and each other. 

 We are amazingly blessed to have Zion right here with us and Canaan able to call multiple times a week. Both of our moms are near by and many priceless family and friends are within reach. 

 I can’t always get what I want. 

 I don’t even know for sure which things I am suppose to fight for and which things I am suppose to let go. 

But….

 I am Oh So Amazingly Blessed!!

 Remember to count your blessings too my friends.

 Find the good. 

See the beautiful. 

 Make that choice. 

 I am asking for your prayers my friends. There are unanswered questions and decisions for the Freeman crew. Always… but it seems heavy right now. 

In the meantime…

“Again I say, rejoice!”

 Be blessed my friends! Make the choice to see the good, every step of the way!  

Channel 89

 You always hear those cliche' sayings like -"Light at the end of a tunnel". That light is suppose to be a good thing, right?
 It feels sometimes that I have been the "deer stuck in the headlights at the end of the tunnel" over the last few years.
 We've been at UNC, Chapel Hill, since Sunday afternoon. At moments it feels like I have been here for at least a month. My amazing man, who normally spends his Saturdays finding something to do, just so he doesn't have to sit still, has holed up in this little room with me for 100 hours now. We have played that lovely little game called "hurry up and wait".

 As we have waited, we have explored a few avenues of entertainment. The internet is priceless at times like this. I am, as always, beyond pleased to have my Kindle. Andy even explored a little (can't stay cooped up the entire time!) and found a RedBox for us to rent a few movies from.

 But over and over we come back to the television - the basic "stuck to the wall and fed with nearly 100 channels" television. And we discovered something highly entertaining.

 They have the sci-fi channel, the History channel, ABC, NBC, Disney, even some movie channels. But, if you just keep clicking eventually you get to the hospital channels. The "healthy eating" channel. The "what to do for hip surgery" channel. And of course, Channel 89.

 All day long, every day, Channel 89 has an important announcement to make. 

"You Are Watching Channel 89"

 Fascinating, isn't it? It was hard to turn away, because with all those other stations out there, where was I ever going to find one that simply said "You are watching channel..."
 
 Obviously, I am being sarcastic.

 Because watching an announcement just sit upon the screen really isn't fascinating.

 But, for some reason, it is there. UNC feels the need to keep that channel open and ready. Right this minute it looks like a waste of energy. A pointless bit of nothing.
 But, for some reason, it is there.

 And that is point number 1. Hold on to that.

 A wonderful friend of the family called me this week while I have been here and shared his heart a little. You see, he and his wife spent a bit of time in the hospital last year. She was fighting breast cancer.

 He was telling me the story of the night before her surgery. Many friends had come to gather around and support them. They were praying, and asking for healing. They were giving hugs, and asking how they could help. And he, even after a lifetime as a pastor, was too overwhelmed to know where to start.
 But he read the story of Paul and Silas in Acts, when they were placed in irons in a prison cell, just for doing what God asked them to do. They had several choices when they were arrested. 1) Moan and complain and ask God why He would do this when all they had ever done was follow His commands. 2) Pray with trust and faith, asking God to deliver them. He had the power. They simply needed Him to step in and work a miracle.
 Did they do either of those?

 Nope. They simply sat and praised Him in the jail cell.

 They didn't complain. They didn't ask for a miracle. They simply praised, No Matter What.

 And God sent a series of events I am pretty sure they wouldn't have imagined to ask for on their own. For the rest of the details you should read Acts 16:25-36

 My pastor friend, sitting there the night before his wife's surgery, knew that they needed to just praise, no matter what. And let God take care of the details. Because sometimes even knowing what to ask for is more then we are capable of.

 They were blessed. God worked some miracles for them. Most importantly, they were made aware, once again, that He is with us, always.

 Right now, Channel 89 is sometimes all that I can see. I have faith in that "light at the end of the tunnel", but it is way too far away to actually see yet. I have no idea what to even ask for, because I cannot imagine what a "good plan" is.

 But I will praise always. And trust that my channel 89, that space sitting there empty and pointless, has a purpose. I don't know the plan. And right now I can't even figure out how to pray most of the time. But like Paul and Silas, I have no doubt that God has something planned that is beyond my imagination.

 Thank you for caring my friends. I will try to keep you posted. In the meantime, please praise Him with me.

Blessings, 

Bethany

Making it a reality

There are a couple reasons I haven't written much late.
 First, I figured I would have plenty of time to write while I was in the hospital.
 Secondly, well, I didn't really want to talk about going to the hospital in the first place.

 It has been planned for over a month. It really isn't that traumatic. You see, these stupid little pauses my brain decides to take, (localized partial seizures) the doctors want to get an up close and personal look at them. So, 3-5 days in the hospital, EEG strapped to my head, on video at all times... mostly it is just invasive. The only part that is slightly traumatic is that they really need me to have as many seizures as possible.
 Right now I have them mostly under control. 2-3 a week. Very mild.
 They want full fledged, as many as possible.

 So that is what I have been stressing about. My medicine, which I have a love/hate relationship with, going away. The fear of a "real" seizure.

 I remember what it was like four years ago when they first started. I remember what it was like three years ago when I had the "grande mal". So fear, fear is what has kept me from writing. Because if I didn't write it down, then I didn't have to actually believe it was true.

 Last week, I actually listened to God.

 You know how sometimes He prompts you to do something, just something minor, and you simply put it off. "Seriously Lord? That isn't even my job!"

 But I listened.

 And I am so glad.

 You see, for some reason, somehow, UNC hadn't filled out the paperwork properly for Tri-care to approve my stay in the hospital. So when I called "just to check" on Monday, there was no record of it in their system.

 So all week this week has been "ring around the rosy" with doctors and insurance, and case managers, and back again. I am fairly confident I have talked to every department with-in Tricare...

 The final word was that it takes 3-5 days for the official decision to be made, and the proper paperwork was not finally turned in until Friday.

 So, I will not be checking into UNC on Monday.

 I could have just gone. And hoped that it was approved. But if they said no, I would be left with the bill myself. And as much as I want to be well, to be done with meds, I can't really afford to pay that myself.  So we will wait. After all that planning, with the grand-parents coming to take care of the boys and Andy getting time off. All that talking myself into it, and conquering my fear. Now, we wait again.

 Their next open appt. is the week of Thanksgiving. Sun-Thur actually. Anyone want to come spend the week of Thanksgiving watching my boys?

 For now, I have a few week of respite. And, now that I have posted it, it is real. So perhaps I can write again!

 Tomorrow is full of life. Worship with friends. The end of season celebration for soccer. Joy for the realization that I will be home later this week to see my children dress up in their funny costumes, and to answer the door and hand out rubber spiders and decorated pencils. Life is good. My family is amazing. My Savior is awe inspiring.

 Tonight I simply say Goodnight.

Blessings, 

Paperclips

 I had a bit of a panic attack these last few days. My time schedule, the perfect one I imagined in my mind... it wasn't the same one the U.S. Army had in it's mind.
 Nor the one my "niece" Ruby had in mind.

 Ruby was supposed to be born last week, so I could spend some time with her before I had to leave. Little booger is making me (and her Mommy too!) a little crazy taking her sweet time coming into the world.

 I'm on a deadline here!

 In case anyone here isn't my friend on Facebook, here's how the schedule looks.

 The boys and I get to spend the last week of Andy's officer training with him down at Ft. Benning. There are several "events" planned, and the "officers to be" should have some freedom during the week to spend with their families. That starts Thursday - um, tomorrow.

 He graduates the next Thursday, the 26th. We have 5 days to come back here to my parent's, pack up the bare essentials, (just what will fit in a small U-haul trailer) drive to Ft. Leonard Wood, Missouri, find an apartment, move in and Andy report for duty. Sound like fun?

 After five months there, while he attends class, and I practice life as a minimalist, (which I am actually looking forward to) - then we move to ALASKA!

 That is the part we are excited about.

 Living in Missouri, where we technically are not invited, (thus the bare essentials, have to live off base, only have a few days to find an apartment) - well, Missouri is just a side trip.

 Alaska is the main event. More on that later.

 Anyway, I was having my usual pre-move meltdown. My sister came home the other day and I was counting paperclips. Yes, seriously. Trying to decide how many I might need in the five months we spend in MO. She almost laughed her head off, then, not so gently, reminded me that they have stores in MO. But you see, I already have plenty. Neatly organized in a container. But I don't want to take the entire desk container with paperclips, rubberbands, tape, stapler, etc. I wanted to take a smaller sampling. But I don't want to have to buy more when I already own them. Oh, the stress of choosing just the right amount!

 I told you. Meltdown.

 I was talking to Andy a bit later and he reminded me "Bethany, remember how you always panic that we're not going to find someplace to live. Then, right at the last minute God provides something perfect. Let's just skip the panic part and go right to the God provides something perfect."

 I'm trying people, really I am. I can't help it that I like to have a plan, and a list, and neatly organized paperclips.

Blessings,

The first phone call - sort of...

At 9:23 tonight I got a text message.

 "I'm in. 

 May be a few days

 Love you." 

 Those are good words!
 "May be a few days" meant he didn't think he would be able to call me for awhile. However, only 29 minutes later he called, (don't you just love the digital age, in which I can go back to my phone and check EXACTLY when he called?) just for a few seconds, to give me details of the day and pass along his mailing address. He sounded exhausted, and stressed about what comes next, but at the same time - relieved. One step down. He is officially in the class.

 Now he just has to finish it!

 As always, one thing at a time.                         Blessings,

Giants, Stress, and a trip to the mall

I have been really, REALLY, stressed lately.

Yes, yes, I am well aware that I am supposed to be trusting God. Believe me - I lay everything down at His feet every day. The problem is, I have this really bad habit of picking all these "burdens" right back up again.

For example...

Money, or the fear of the lack there-of, is a never ending problem right now.

Andy's truck and my parent's mailbox got into a little disagreement a few nights ago.

(please, please ignore the reflection of me in my very old pajamas!)

They both seemed to think they had the right of way - and neither wanted to bend at all.

Thus, they both ended up damaged - although if I had to declare a winner of that "fight", I think the mailbox came out on top! The damage there is definitely less costly!

The truck also needs new tires...

We have a house in Valdosta, all picked out with a lease signed - but now I have to find a fridge, and people to help me move out of storage, and into the house, as well as places to arrange all my stuff in this new location, which may not be quite as big as our last place.

Another stress is that Afghanistan cannot seem to stay out of the news right now. This headline greeted me on Foxnews.com, first thing July 4th.

2 U.S. Troops Killed in Attack on Base in Afghanistan

Strangely enough, or perhaps not strangely, I had already heard about the airstrike that was called in to end the battle - my hubby is right there after all. At least he was not at the base being attacked, but rather just loading the weapons onto the planes for the airstrike. Still, I know guys, personally, who are there. I know their wives - who are here, waiting for them to come home.

A kid that was part of the church youth group with my sisters was killed in Afghanistan this week. His name was Seth, and he was just a kid.

In other news, my little girl is still in Africa - waiting for me. Although, she is now wearing a Disney T-shirt, and hugging a Build-a-Bear lamb - proof that I am coming SOMEDAY!

Lots and lots of stress, that I just keep picking up and worrying over.

So, what is the absolute best cure for stress?

Retail therapy, of course!!!!

A few cute things for the boys, just because I was there.

Lots of adorable things for my little girl. I am getting very eager to get my Eden Gladness home! Thank goodness for the $2.99 rack at Children's Place!

I spent a little over $100, got all of the above, plus new sunglasses and a birthday present for my sister. I love the outlet mall!

In Numbers 13, the spies that had gone into the promised land came back with a report of "giants". Most of God's people were shivering in their boots, afraid that the giants would eat them alive. But Caleb and Joshua were not afraid - they didn't just see giants; they saw the wonderful example of God's power that COULD (and WOULD) be displayed when God conquered those giants.

I want to remember to think that way. Things that stress me out and make me fret can be giants if I let them. In fact, they could even "eat me alive". I choose to refuse to let the giants win. Thankfully, that is all that my Savior requires. A statement of faith - He takes care of the rest, as long as I fully trust in Him.

I love this quote - "It is when we are in the way of duty that we find giants. It was when Israel was going forward that the giants appeared. When they turned back into the wilderness they found none." Streams in the Desert, June 29

Only when we are following the path we are supposed to be on, will we be challenged by giants - they may stress us out, even scare us a little - but WE are conquerors!

Thanks for listening. I feel so much better now!