Trust

I am sorry I haven't updated. It is really frustrating to write "I have no idea what is going on" but I guess anyone who actually reads this would rather hear that, then just the blank emptiness of nothing. 

 So, there it is. The Cardiologist was useless. (Kelly, I had to wear a 24 hour monitor when pregnant with Canaan, and I had a rash from the adhesive too! It must really affect the preggo skin!) The Neurologist was slightly better than useless, but it will be several weeks until anything useful occurs. 

 At church on Sunday I went forward so they could pray over me. They prayed that all my tests would be negative, and that I would be well. And as much as that is what I should truly want... at the same time, that is a scary prayer. BECAUSE... I do NOT want all the tests to be negative UNTIL I am already well. I would rather have a name for a disorder, and a prescribed action to take, instead of just nothing. I think that may say something about my faith level, and it is not a positive thing. For years and years my mother, and others around her prayed faithfully for my diabetes to be healed. My diabetes never went away. Over and over, my Mom was disappointed, felt that it was her fault, that her faith was not strong enough and that was why God didn't heal me. But look at my diabetes... I have two beautiful children, am in wonderful shape, no real damage... having diabetes has been an absolute blessing for my overall health. It forces me to take care of myself. And it has forced me to trust God in so many situations, over and over. Being diabetic is truly good for me. 

 Thus.... maybe this something, whatever it is, can be good too. I would rather know WHAT it is, and then work with the details of how to deal with it. Not knowing is the absolute worst thing for me. 

 Maybe that is the lesson I am suppose to be learning. To trust, even without information, without a plan of action. To SIMPLY trust. 

 So, that is my prayer request. As much as it would be fabulous for it all to go away, and just be healed, that is not my top request. My top request is for me to just let go. I want to know what, and how, and the next step. I think God wants me to learn that it doesn't matter. 

Nothing new...

I keep meaning to give an update, but there really isn't anything new to say. I have continued to have "episodes" every day this week, some days less, some days more. (yesterday was the worst, with 4... today only 1) I was at the Cardiologist on Thursday, and he didn't think that my heart is causing the problems. He said my heart murmur was very noticeable, but that has been the case for the last 5 years or so. (when I was a baby, the doctor told my Mom I would probably outgrow it, and it was never mentioned or noticed for the next 23 years, but when I was pregnant with Canaan it got louder, and has stayed that way ever since). The Cardiologist has ordered an echo, and will fit me with an event monitor in a few weeks, but I am not really expecting anything from that end. I had an echo when  I was pregnant with Canaan, and again with Zion, and my heart has not yet had any problems functioning, just an annoying "squeak". (I just think that is hilarious... the cardiologist called my murmur a "squeak"). There was a suggestion that perhaps the odd heart beat during the "episodes" is merely adreneline. (sp??) 

 I am going to the Neurologist on Tuesday. Hopefully he will find something in my brain to blame, and have a suggestion as to how to fix it. In the meantime, I don't drive, or operate other heavy machinery, so I feel fairly safe.  I am adjusting to moments of inability to function. They still exhaust me, but give me a few minutes to giggle, (one of the strangest, and most uncontrollable, parts of the whole thing) a few minutes to shiver, and about 20 minutes to rest, and I am back to my normal self. I can still function fairly normally during the rest of the day, so I have little to complain about. I spend large portions of the day dizzy, but after having diabetes for 16 years, I am pretty good at functioning while dizzy. I am currently dizzy for a different reason the diabetes, but the adjustments to daily life are pretty similar! 

 I HATE not knowing, but I am adjusting, for the moment, and will just take it one day at a time. 

 Thank you all, a thousand times, for all the prayers, hugs, phone calls and happy thoughts.  They are greatly appreciated. I will try to keep this page updated. 

A quick update

I'll try not to bore you too much, but I really would appreciate some prayers. I am currently without a diagnosis, but I am leaning toward the most widely accepted assumption. I "blacked out" again on Friday, but managed to talk Andy out of taking me to the hospital. (We were at The Dark Knight, so he really didn't want to leave any more than I did). When I did it again at the pancake breakfast at church Sunday morning, there were no arguments left. A wonderful friend of mine came and got the boys, and Andy took me to the  hospital. They ran several tests and determined that it was not a brain tumor, or a stroke, or anything like that. My heart is still under some suspicion, since I already have a heart murmur, but it is the less likely culprit. After two different emergency rooms, two different times yesterday, and a total of six episodes, the general consensus is that I need to see a neurologist, and that I am probably having a form of a seizure. I am supposed to see a cardiologist too, just in case. 

 At this moment, I don't have a whole lot of energy to care WHAT it is. I just want a diagnosis of something, so we can begin working towards fixing it. I have an appointment with the neurologist next Tuesday (not tomorrow) and until then, I am banished from driving and will just try to deal with the episodes as best I can. They have been much more frequent, but less strong. I come out of them laughing at first (for no reason, but I cannot control it) then shivering violently. So, I think I will be staying at home as much as possible. I don't really want to have one in public! 

 Right now my parents are here. Dad really needs to get back to work, but I am hoping to keep my Mommy with me for a few days. Please just pray that they will slow down until I can get them looked at again, and that they can figure out what is causing them. 

 Thank you! Bethany

vampires

I am very impressed by how many vampire fan friends I have. I had no idea! Yes, the vampire book on my table was from the Twilight series. It was New Moon, which is the second book in the series. At that time I was waiting for book number 1 to arrive, per special request, at the local library. Unfortunately, by the time it arrived, book 2 was due back, without option to renew. When I finally got it, I read Twilight over the course of one evening and one morning. Now I am dying to get my hands on New Moon and I have to wait. I already have the third one, but I refuse to go "out of order", so it will just wait, even though it is killing me. 

 On a side note, my first Stephanie Meyers book was "The Host". It was absolutely FANTASTIC, one of the best I have read in several years. I highly recommend it to everyone. I had put off reading the Twilight series, simply because it was so popular, but after reading her other book, I realized that she is super talented, and that the Twilight series must be popular for a good reason. (run on sentence anyone?) 

 Second side note... I also recently read another vampire series. Totally different idea and theme from Twilight, but also different from anything else I had read. Not anywhere near the same caliber as S. Meyer, but decent writing and plot. It is called the Gardella Vampire series, and the author is Colleen Gleason. The third book was just released, so I haven't read it yet, but the first two were good. 

 This morning I started "Mr. Darcy's Daughters". I haven't read much yet, but I am impressed so far. Can anyone tell that I LOVE to read? 

Cute kid stories

So, today while I was typing my earlier blog, Canaan and Zion were dumping the entire contents of two rubbermaid containers, so that they could play dress-up. Zion decided to "mow" the carpet in the living room while wearing an Army helmet and black gloves. Very adorable. Especially since he had already dumped an entire rubbermaid of trains and track all over the floor, so he was tripping and stumbling the whole time, as he had to "mow" over them too. 

 When we sat down to lunch, Canaan was telling me all about his "costume". He was also dressed in full Army regs. Shirt with belt, helmet, gas mask and boots. He was especially proud of his boots- rubber rain boots, with multi colored stripes - his quote on them was "That's how the professionals do it". Professionals, huh? Where did he even hear that? I swear that kids is always listening, and is sure to repeat what he hears. Be cautious what you say when he is within range - you never know when it will pop up in a conversation! 

Long week...

It seems like last week was very LONG. I am worn out just from thinking about it! We went camping at Indian Springs (which is the oldest state park in the country) with my family for the 4th. It really wasn't too hot, and it only rained twice and we managed to escape the bugs fairly well, so overall I would say it was a successful camping trip. Mom and I managed to hit up an outlet mall and find some good deals, and Andy took a dare, ate ants, and made $20, so even beyond the realm of camping, it was a great weekend. Then, on Sat. night, after my boys were already asleep, Mom, Dad and the girls went for a walk and I was sitting around the campfire with Andy and Kevin (Emilee's husband). For some reason, I just blacked out. I have had to explain it to several doctors, and the best way I think to describe it is that I felt like my body was a computer, and someone just switched the power button to off, then right back to on. Everything stopped, and it felt like EVERYTHING, my heart, my lungs, my sight for just a split second. Then, like a computer, it took me several minutes to "boot up" again. Andy says that afterward I was talking strange, something about aliens, but I don't remember that part. Maybe I was saying it felt like my body was not mine or something? I don't really remember several minutes there. I don't think Andy or Kevin really knew that something had happened, and I didn't want to make a big deal about it. I checked my blood sugar, and it was fine, so I just kind of assumed I had inhaled too much bug spray and campfire smoke and ignored it.

 Unfortunately, it happened again the next day, and this time it was daylight, with everyone watching, so there was no denying that it happened! Since we were about to leave the campground and go home, we were all standing around saying goodbye. No one wanted to let me drive after that, so poor Mary had to drive my car and stay Monday at our house while Andy took me to the doctor. That was pretty much a wasted trip. I had to go to an off base doctor, because the base was closed for a long holiday (thus, Andy was able to come with me to the doctor) and now I cannot figure out how to get ahold of the results of the blood work they did, and the base clinic has not received the results either. It has been a whole week since I last "blacked out", and I am beginning to think that the whole thing was just a fluke. This morning I got sort of dizzy and I thought that I might do it again, but I sat really still, closed my eyes and focused on breathing, and now I am fine. So, maybe it is something I can control, if I know the warning signs? 

 I am supposed to go to the doctor again on Wednesday, on base this time, and they will probably run all the same tests again. Maybe I will get the results this time! It is really funny, in a sad sort of way. I have been SO PROUD that after over 16 years with diabetes, it has never caused me to pass it out. Now I had to go and pass out anyway, and I don't even know why. That is totally not fair to my pride! 

 Anyway, on top of all that, I had to be at the hospital Tue and Wed for some testing that was already planned for my Graves disease, which is basically just an overactive thyroid. It has been in remission for the last year, but has decided to act up again now. 

 And, on top of all that, Andy managed to dreadfully and drastically hurt my feelings. He won't like me telling people that, because he has apologized and worked very hard to make it better, but the emotional "side effects" of that have added to the length of the last week. Just don't mention it to him, okay?! I really don't like being "emotional", or being sick, so having both in the same week was quite annoying and tiring! 

 But, it is a new week now. I know that God has good things planned. I will take it one day at a time, and enjoy every minute for what it holds. That is all I, or anyone really, can ask for. One more minute to be appreciative. Please, appreciate life... 

A little bit of GREEN

My friend Carrie has very graciously lived with my "green" nudges for years now. So, whenever she sees something "green" she thinks of me. She sent me this link, and I must say that I was very impressed by this blog. Being green is so "trendy" that I think some Christians reject it outright, merely because it is popular. God commanded us to take care of the beautiful earth he created FOR US. I don't see how being trendy would in any way negate that commandment. I love THE MESSAGE translation of Gen 1:28. God blessed them: "Prosper! Reproduce! Fill Earth! Take charge! Be responsible for fish in the sea and birds in the air, for every living thing that moves on the face of Earth." Responsible is a HUGE word, and I can't help but respect it. 

 Anyway, check out the link, and try to read it with an open heart and ears tuned to God's still quiet voice. You never know what God is going to use to speak to your heart. 

A cool Quote

One of my college friends had this written on his FACEBOOK page, and I thought it was worth copying and quoting. So, thanks Michael Lodge. 

"The Bible really is my favorite thing to read. Especially when read in its original context with the depths of meaning that sooo transcends modern American life and culture. There is a whole new world to the Bible that I was hardly aware of. It is truly an incredible book that I don't think anyone can master in one lifetime. It is really alive and active, ever changing but eternally still, the depths of reality and truth are woven in every word. I honestly believe that it is the physical representation of Jesus that we have the honor of holding close to our chest and interacting with everyday."

The ongoing, ever growing pile

This is my time for admitting my weakness. I meant to post this before I went camping, but didn't get it done. Oh well! 

The bedside table is the books I am currently reading. (or was, as of 5 days ago) There are two different translations of the Bible, two different devotional books, the book of Mormon, a book about Mormonism (I have a good friend who is Mormon, and wanted to understand her a little more thoroughly) a historical fiction, a science fiction, a Vampire book that I haven't actually started  yet, C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters, A Year of living Biblically (which so far has been quite interesting, but not really "uplifting") and I believe there is a "classic" romantic novel in there somewhere. 

 The other picture is my pile of "books yet to start". Bags and baskets of things that I really want to get around to, but haven't yet. I think I might have a problem....