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I am happily married to an amazing military man who spent 9 years enlisted and is now an Officer in the US Army. We have two amazing boys who are not so little any more! They still infuse every moment of every day with creativity and energy, and make my life an adventure.  I was educated at home, and am now teaching our children - second generation homeschoolers! I try every day to become more like Jesus Christ, and to love like HE does. If you want you can try and catch me at bethylovesandy@yahoo.com

My Blog Title Verse

"For the Lord gives wisdom. From His mouth come knowledge and understanding." Proverbs 2:6 NKJV 
The Message translation puts it this way "God gives out Wisdom free, is plainspoken in Knowledge and Understanding."

Verse of the day

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Trust

I am sorry I haven't updated. It is really frustrating to write "I have no idea what is going on" but I guess anyone who actually reads this would rather hear that, then just the blank emptiness of nothing. 
 So, there it is. The Cardiologist was useless. (Kelly, I had to wear a 24 hour monitor when pregnant with Canaan, and I had a rash from the adhesive too! It must really affect the preggo skin!) The Neurologist was slightly better than useless, but it will be several weeks until anything useful occurs. 
 At church on Sunday I went forward so they could pray over me. They prayed that all my tests would be negative, and that I would be well. And as much as that is what I should truly want... at the same time, that is a scary prayer. BECAUSE... I do NOT want all the tests to be negative UNTIL I am already well. I would rather have a name for a disorder, and a prescribed action to take, instead of just nothing. I think that may say something about my faith level, and it is not a positive thing. For years and years my mother, and others around her prayed faithfully for my diabetes to be healed. My diabetes never went away. Over and over, my Mom was disappointed, felt that it was her fault, that her faith was not strong enough and that was why God didn't heal me. But look at my diabetes... I have two beautiful children, am in wonderful shape, no real damage... having diabetes has been an absolute blessing for my overall health. It forces me to take care of myself. And it has forced me to trust God in so many situations, over and over. Being diabetic is truly good for me. 
 Thus.... maybe this something, whatever it is, can be good too. I would rather know WHAT it is, and then work with the details of how to deal with it. Not knowing is the absolute worst thing for me. 
 Maybe that is the lesson I am suppose to be learning. To trust, even without information, without a plan of action. To SIMPLY trust. 
 So, that is my prayer request. As much as it would be fabulous for it all to go away, and just be healed, that is not my top request. My top request is for me to just let go. I want to know what, and how, and the next step. I think God wants me to learn that it doesn't matter. 

5 comments:

Marcy said...

I would definitely rather get a post that says nothing new than see nothing at all. I know what you mean and I would be the same way. I also agree that God does want you to rely fully on Him. That's not easy and I will pray for that for you.

Abigail said...

oh bethy, i have totally wrestled that same issue of faith. well over 10 years of insomnia made others and myself question my faith, when the answer to the question, "how did you sleep?" remained, "not well at all." to never have a reason for the whys. but you totally have it right in the last paragraph. most of life seems to come down to a trust issue. to let go of the knowing whys and trusting God with the whatevers that happen. bethany, i'm praying for you, i love you, and i hope God will continue to open your eyes even wider to what He's doing in your life right now.

mom0ktdid said...

Well written. Faith is not knowing right? If you knew, then it would be knowledge (a great quote by my husband :)
Maybe this is a way to give you that gift of being able to show your faith!
Christianity is all about faith... no other way around it.
LOVE YOU! I was hoping I would read that you were coming with your mommy this week!

Kelly said...

Oh, I totally know the feeling. Yeah, with Aaric's hearing loss, at first, I was terrified to pray for healing. The doctor said that he'll have a 40 db loss, and so, that's just how it is, right? And sure, I knew that God *can* heal ears, but I didn't want to set myself up for the disappointment when he didn't do it for whatever reason.
Now, you know, he's still got about a 40 db loss in that ear, and I'm still praying that it'll improve. But at the same time, just like you're thankful for all the good that has come from diabetes, I'm thankful that Aaric is still a fully functioning kid, and that his hearing loss is not affecting his life in any way, period. And the whole ordeal seems to have made him appreciate life a bit, as he's been a whole different kid, and in a good way. And the whole experience has been good for me, too. There have been lots of positive changes in our lives as a result. It sure sucks that a kid had to crack his skull for us to learn these lessons, though!
So, I'll be praying for all of it. Healing, answers, and peace. Hey, surely you'll get one of the 3 at least, right?! :D

The Duke Family said...

Bethy,
We are continuing to pray for you. Btw...did the neurologist schedule an EEG, or have you had one? My sister thought maybe your 'episodes' were partial-complex seizures (She has been dealing with seizures for a couple years now with Hayden). I too hope they can find out what is causing all of this. I am glad you posted something, even though I haven't been on in a few days to check (we just started back to school on the 24th). We love you so very much, and miss you as well. Please trust in the LORD, as I know you will. I hope you have a great week, and that it is better than the last. May the LORD just bring you out of this as quickly as you entered it. I love you!!!