For some reason death, and of course, it's beautiful counterpart, life, have been on my mind quite heavily lately.
You see, I feel like I should have a two year old right now.
Several years ago when I first found out I was pregnant, I signed up for one of those "weekly update" E-mails. I have never taken myself off that list. At first I was just too busy, moving, and unpacking, and after several weeks, finally taking the time to mourn. Then, I sort of enjoyed watching the updates - seeing the pictures of what my baby's development should look like by now. After all this time, it is just habit. I'll go weeks and weeks without even opening the E-mail, but occasionally, I just scan through the "advice" for the age.
What "should" I be doing right now....
But those aren't the sort of questions you should ask yourself. In all honesty, I am doing what I am suppose to be doing. Or, to the best of my ability, what God wants me to be doing. Still, every once in awhile, I ache for little two year old chubby fingers.
My friend Abby lost a really good friend to eclampsia just recently. Her name was Kylee, and she left behind four beautiful children. I never met her. Until she died, I had never even heard of her, except maybe in a passing comment by Abby. For some reason, I have been irresistibly drawn to her blog, and the writings she left behind. I have been mourning, just a bit, for a friendship that I wish we could have had. I know that is totally unfair to the people who did know her, and love her, and miss her with an unbelievable pain. I don't mean to downplay that at all. I truly can not imagine how her husband breathes still. I suppose only because of the promise that we dance to so joyfully as followers of Christ - that this is not the end.
I think part of the reason this has affected me so strongly is because I am the "sick one". I have always had something or another wrong with me, physically. I suppose I have always thought I could die "young". I remember not long after I was diagnosed with diabetes I couldn't sleep one night. I walked through the house, praying blessing over my little sisters, and then my parents too, as they all slept - just in case I wasn't there to do that forever. I was only 12.
I have had a "just in case I die" letter on every kind of disk, from floppy to memory stick, and on multiple hard drives of personal computers. Of course, no one knew where they were, so if anything had happened to me they wouldn't have been found, but I always felt better writing out my letters of love.
I don't think I have ever been afraid of death, just very aware of it's reality. (Which probably means I am going to live until I am 110!) Somehow seeing someone about my age, with kids about the age of mine, who was serving Jesus with her whole heart - yet is gone now - well, it reminded me that it doesn't matter if you are healthy or not. It doesn't matter if you are ready or not.
The point I am trying to get to is that this life, whether 6 weeks gestation, or 30 something years, or 110 - this isn't the end. It is only a blink, truly. Right now is just the preparation for the part that counts - being in the presence of The KING!
Kylee wrote a beautiful post about how this world is not our home. We are only passing through. If you have a chance, please, read it and appreciate how fleeting our time here is.
Spend every minute wisely. Dance with joy. Sing praise with your whole heart, whether you are in key or not. Give with abandon. Generously share what you know, so that in the end those you love will be worshiping before the throne with you.
Please, don't blink.