Emotions thrown up all over the place

So many thoughts running through my head. Emotions needing spilled, again.

I have a blog on Harry Potter, crying out to be written, but tonight is not the night. (Although it needs to be soon before I read too many other books and forget too much!)

The last few days have been really rough, physically. I can go weeks without feeling a single absence seizure. I suppose that even though I can't feel them, they are still happening? The meds are just masking them? I don't know. Over the last three days I have felt them, strongly.

I have instructions from my doctor to simply take an extra Topamax "as needed". On top of the seizures making me tired, and the catchup from VBS wearing me out, I now have MORE Topamax in my system. So, tonight when the boys were in the tub I laid down, just for a second.

I fell about 90% asleep.

I heard Canaan calling for me, "Mommy, can we get out of the bath now? I can't reach my towel". Poor Z hadn't even had his hair washed yet.

As Canaan was drying off I apologized for leaving them so long. He turned to me and said, "That's okay mommy. I was just afraid we were going to have to come and get you. What if you had had a seizure?"

My heart broke just a little.

I know there are other seven year olds out there who have heavier burdens to bear. But I didn't want my seven year old to have to bear a burden at all. The fact that he has to spend even one minute of his day worrying that I might have had a seizure, that makes me sad. He's not supposed to worry about me - that is role reversal in it's purest form.

However, I must say I am so glad it is me that is sick, and not him. I would much rather him worry about me, and be gloriously healthy himself than the other way around. A fabulous blog that I read, another military wife and mom, was writing this weekend about her son's battle with cancer. She knows about a real broken heart. I can only pray that I never have to know that fear.

In other news...

Tomorrow, unless things change again, is Andy's interview with the Army officer board. It has already changed once, so I am trying not to get too "set", but this one sounds pretty certain. So, big possibility. We can only wait and see. Every little thing that could slow his package down has happened. And every time it has looked like it was going to be impossible, it has worked out. So, if it is not going to go, we will know that God is in charge of that.

But oh, we would like it to go!