One step at a time

 We saw a chicken crossing the road yesterday, oblivious and unconcerned about anything else, and it was beautiful. Colorful. Happy. Content. 

 Andy, Ellen (his mom) and I had to laugh.

 There has been so much heaviness recently: Losing my Father-in-law, Dane, to Covid. The rest of us being sick, and Andy much sicker than I was comfortable with, at the same time. Canaan away at Basic Training. Our new house needing more work than we thought, and all of the work being delayed by all the sickness. Andy on his final leave for the army and trying to adjust to the non-army world. (And find a new job)

 Seeing that chicken cross the road was simply beautiful. Laughing was so very needed. 

 It brought back the memory of the chicken crossing the road before. 

 My life has been filled with so many interesting moments. Really good ones and some really bad too. But full of interesting moments. I have to remember to celebrate. 

 This last month has been rough, but as HE reminds me over and over, I can trust Him. 

 The sweet little frog in that picture, barely peeking through the scripture, brought me a joyful reminder last week in the garden. The garden was Dane’s. Most of what I know about gardening I learned from him, and the garden is where he and I shared our love for God’s amazing creation. In 20 years as his Daughter in law, that has been our common bond. Growing. (And loving Andy) Without Dane here to help I have not maintained his garden well. All I did during the several weeks of covid and then the heaviness that it left behind, was pick what was ripe every few days. 

 But it has also been where I am able to mourn, and that sweet little frog was a beautiful reminder that beauty is hiding. Lovely things are often there, harder to see but definitely there, if we are willing to look. 

 Hear that, please. 

 Lovely things are there. 

 

 We just have to be willing to look. 

 I won’t pretend that the ugly things are not there. They still exist, and at times are almost overwhelming. But I was reminded, and I want to share with you, that the lovely things are there! 

 This quote was in one of my devotionals this morning. 

“No matter what you face, trust God, and know that He will surely answer at the right time.” New Life Church, Bandra

This is the key thing that stood out to me. “At the right time.” 

 I am holding to that promise. I hope you will too. 

 Be blessed my friends. One step at a time, remembering to look for the good and allowed to cry in the bad. 

Beautiful scars

 Those wounds that need binding come in so many different shapes and from so many different sources. Some are deep and need stitches to stop the bleeding. Some are more shallow, but so very wide that they seem to stretch out forever. Others will scab over, then get opened again and again and again. I have seen emotional and spiritual wounds that require “surgery”, the complete removal of a limb, for healing to happen. 

 But healing is always happening, if we allow it. 

 The thing is, there are often scars left behind. Healing stops the bleeding. Healing closes the wound.

 But the scars are still there. 

 What do you see when you look at a scar? Do you see something ugly or the mark of a battle won? Are you inspired with pride because you survived?  

 I think they are beautiful. 

 As time passes the scars smooth out. They show how we have grown and changed and matured- but they remain, as gentle and beautiful reminders of the battles we have won and the wounds that our Savior has already healed. 

 There will be new battles and new wounds. We will need new healing, over and over, and there will be new scars along the way. 

 And they will be beautiful too. 

“He heals the wounds of every shattered heart.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭147:3‬ ‭TPT‬‬

https://www.bible.com/1849/psa.147.3.tpt

Both

The post I made yesterday created a beautiful outpouring of love. 

 I want to share a quote from a testimony sent by my Sunday School teacher from middle school. The story of Jay and Katherine Wolf is full of both pain and joy. (Look them up)

 I needed to hear this...maybe you do to? 

 ”There is a lot of redemption of our stories on earth but there can be a sting that is lifelong and that is okay AND why would we think it would not be that way? Who lied to who to say that it can’t be good, so good, and so hard and sad at the same time.”

  Jesus had sorrow, that weighed him down. Read that verse.

 Who said we won’t or can’t or are wrong to have it? Sorrow is real and strong and heavy duty. But so is Joy. It is also real and strong and heavy duty. 

 You can have both. 

 You will have both. 

 You are right to have both. 

 At the same time. 

 Thank you my amazing friends for your support.

Who I am becoming

I have heard bad news more then I can actually handle recently. More than I can handle.
 I am supposed to be a woman of faith, leading others in truth, and I was yelling at my Savior recently.
The beautiful thing is that, as always, He let me, and loved me, and wiped my tears.

 I went searching in the Word and realized that this verse comes across very very differently in different translations.

“All things are done according to God's plan and decision; and God chose us to be his own people in union with Christ because of his own purpose, based on what he had decided from the very beginning.”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭1:11‬ ‭GNB‬‬

“Through our union with Christ we too have been claimed by God as his own inheritance. Before we were even born, he gave us our destiny; that we would fulfill the plan of God who always accomplishes every purpose and plan in his heart.”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭1:11‬ ‭TPT‬‬

“also we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will,”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭1:11‬ ‭NASB‬‬

I cannot agree with the first translation. Not all things are done according to God’s plan. Absolutely not, because He gave mankind freedom to do what they choose. BUT, as the second translation says, He always accomplishes His purpose, after the counsel of His will.
 Do you hear the difference there? Not every thing that happens is in His plan, but His plan always comes about.

 I was crying to Him about trying to see the good coming from a situation. I have been able to, always throughout my life, find the good that can come from bad things.

  This time I can’t.

 Yet, in the middle of the night, He woke me and clarified so beautifully the difference.
 “Good doesn’t have to come from everything...but who we become from everything CAN be good.”

 I choose who I become. The bad things around me aren’t under my control. I can’t make people good. I can’t change the wrongs that hurt others. I can’t make good come from evil. Sometimes it is just evil. Satan won that battle, that soul, that relationship, whatever.
 But I can become good. Better. Even when I can only see bad.

 Keep trying.

 I need you my friends. Please, have hope. Please, try more. Please, share love and joy and patience in the middle of the crazy world around you.

 Keep trying.

Emotions

 I logged on here after a good cry, thinking that maybe a time of "venting" my emotions would help. But then I read Carrie's blog about being positive, rather than negative, so I tried to tame my emotions. Then I read Marcy's cute tales about Disney, and Mary's adorable story about her son, and his robot. 

 It is hard to stay depressed. Which is a good thing I guess. But I do need some support. I need to know that people are reading this, and hopefully lifting me up in prayer. I wouldn't mind an occasional comment in the comment section too - just a little suggestion there, for anyone who is listening (wink wink). Seriously though, prayer. Prayer is what I covet. 

 It seems I cry a lot lately. I pulled out the Christmas CD's. Listen to Third Day's Merry Christmas  on Rhapsody and tell me it doesn't fit my situation. I think I am justified in crying with that song. As much as I am trying to move forward, I am still attached to my little Gifty, so this video made me burst into tears. She has been so sick still. I check on her often, and her adoption has still not gone through. My heart breaks, daily. Now, we have moved our adoption plan to another country, (Benin) and been given a picture of another little angel. 

 Everyone, this is Glwadys. She will be three in March. We are hoping to make her ours.  

 I didn't want to fall in love with her. After Gifty, I told myself to just do the paperwork. Just stay calm, and efficient, but disconnected. But then we got this picture. And I started to bend a little. Then, that gosh-darned Third Day song played over and over (because I had the CD on repeat play in my CD player....) and I lost my ability to stay disconnected. Now, I want her to be here. I want to buy her Christmas pajama's, and fill a stocking for her. I want to hold her so badly. So so so badly. 

 

 I knew when we started this journey that some days would be easier then others. I didn't realize that they would all be bad, but that some would be simply bad, and others would be horrible. 

 So, today was just one of those days. Canaan has been at my parent's house all week. He sent me a letter in the mail, and I got it today. The first letter I have ever received in the mail from my son. I know it won't be the last. Before I am ready, he will grow up, and move away. Today was just a slightly spooky glimpse of that, getting a letter from him in the mail. 

 Yesterday my Mormon missionary friends came by, again. They are regular visitors here. I think they have hope of converting me. I just like to feed them. They are so young, and far from their mothers. My heart breaks for them, because they are so closed to any new ideas, any possibilities of anything outside of the strict code they have been brought up with. I argue with them, in a friendly sort of way, and promise that I will read the literature they leave with me. I do my best to follow through - I respect them too much to ignore what they believe, even if I cannot accept it as truth. Yet another part of my heart to hurt - it was heavy still today from their visit yesterday. 

 Then, when I was at the Salvation Army, out walked this young, young girl - 23, 24 at most, with THREE young children. The oldest, who couldn't have been more than three, was wearing shorts, and was barefoot, at a store, in November. I wanted to cry. I wanted to puke. I wanted to yell at God. Why? Why does this little girl, who obviously is in way over her head have three children, when my sister, my mature, responsible, stable sister is having to work so hard to get pregnant? Why does God make things like that happen?

 

 It took me the rest of the day, an argument with poor, unsuspecting Andy, then me crying all over him - plus a nice soothing load of laundry, before I finally stopped being miserable, and yelling at God, long enough to listen to Him. Thankfully, He is patient.  

 I was reminded that God doesn't make things like this happen. God made us - individual, imperfect, but in His image. We choose which way we will live. Whether we will make wise decisions or foolish ones. Whether we will close ourselves off, or give ourselves fully. Whether we will have joy or sadness, anger or forgiveness. WE CHOOSE. 

 And if I can be so heartbroken about the bad choices that people have made, and I am just another person, just think how heartbroken the Creator is. If I want to cry, I cannot even imagine how much He hurts for those He loves who choose, over and over, to hurt themselves. He hurts too. Every moment, of every day. He hurts for us. I know Him, love Him, have Him as my best friend. And still, I break His heart daily. And that is just me. Multiply that by billions. That is just overwhelming - and it put me in my place.  

 Let me close with an excerpt from my devotions this morning. (note that God was trying to warn me... too bad I didn't listen close enough) 

Blessed is he that waiteth. Daniel 12:12

 "It may seen an easy thing to wait, but it is one of the postures which a Christian soldier learns not without years of teaching. Marching and quick-marching are much easier to God's warriors than standing still. There are hours of perplexity when the most willing spirit anxiously desirous to serve the Lord, knows not what part to take. Then what shall it do? Vex itself by despair? Fly back in cowardice, turn to the right hand in fear, or rush forward in presumption?

  No, but simply wait. Wait in Prayer, however. Call upon God and spread the case before Him; tell Him your difficulty, and plead His promise of aid. 

 Wait in Faith. Express your unstaggering confidence in Him. Believe that if He keeps you tarrying even till midnight, yet He will come at the right time; the vision shall come, and shall not tarry.  

 Wait in Quiet Patience. Never murmur against the second cause as the children of Israel did against Moses. Accept the case as it is, and put it as it stands, simply and with your whole heart, without any self-will, into the hand of your covenant God, saying, ' Now, Lord, not my will, but Thine be done. I know not what to do. I am brought to extremities; but I will wait until Thou shalt cleave the floods, or drive back my foes. I will wait, if Thou keep me many a day, for my heart is fixed upon Thee alone, O God, and my spirit waiteth for Thee in full conviction that Thou wilt yet be my joy and my salvation, my refuge and my strong tower.'" Streams in the Desert, Nov. 20th