Home?

 I sent out a text to a group of local friends today asking for boxes and bubble wrap. It is time for the packing to begin. Just the “pre” stuff. I have to put away most of my decor and make the house less personal (translated= “boring”) and thus easier to sell. 

 Sending that text made me look at the actual date though, then do some counting. I am pretty sure we have broken my record. I have been here longer than anywhere else, ever, in my life. 

 That is always striking, breaking that record. Amusing, really, considering that the record so far stays at just over three years. But we have been here 3 years and 3 months now, and I think it was only 3 years and  2 months at Fort Bragg, the second time. 

 I could start adding times together? We were at Bragg twice, so I think we got almost 5 full years there, added together. I was in Rome, GA for 3 years of college and two years of working afterwards... but a different dorm room each year and three different apartments after graduation. 

 We were at Fort Leonard Wood twice, but even added together that doesn’t equal an entire year, lol. I wrote a similar blog the first time we were there. 

 

  The point is that places come and go. 

  My thoughts on the matter are summed up beautifully in Hebrews.

 We so often spend too much time focused on this current home. Don’t misunderstand me- I am not saying that caring for your home and children is bad or wrong. I am only pointing out that this is not the final home. This house, big or small, new or old, decorated in just the way you like or barely holding together, this house is not the end of the story. 

 Make it a joyful home. Make it a love filled home. But remember this beautiful Proverb, please. 

Wisdom and understanding far outrank fancy decor and expensive furniture. They outrank the latest healthy food and cleaning fad. They even outrank organization and schedule, because those aren’t the same as wisdom and understanding. I am a huge fan of organization and schedule, don’t get me wrong, but they aren’t the same as wisdom and understanding. Build your house on the wisdom of the Word and striving to understand it, and then trying to understand with the greatest love you can the people who are put into your life. 

 Please my friends, don’t forget where that foundation is!

 Before you know it the children are driving off to college. Or as my mom pointed out, before you know it the grandchildren are driving off to college! And since I have a grandmother going strong in her 90’s, I will add for her “before you know it the great grandchildren are driving off to college.” 

 

 From someone who has never had a physical home for long, focus instead on the people within and the neighbors nearby. The humans have so much more potential to last for the long run! 

 To those of you who have kept up with me through multiple moves, over multiple years: thank you! You have been the hands and feet and voice of Jesus to me, over and over! 

 To those of you who have befriended me each step along the journey: thank you! You also have been the hands and feet and voice of Jesus to me, over and over! 

 So, my friends, live fully. Love your neighbor, whether you have known them for two weeks or 20 years. Be the hands and feet and voice of Jesus, as so many neighbors have been to me over the years. 

 

 Be blessed my friends, with the gentle reminder added: SEE the blessings. 

Two choices, always

 That big bold star below, surrounded by the dark night around it, spoke to me today. 

Oh, how beautiful is the light it shines, despite feeling overwhelmed!

 Have you felt what that verse is expressing? Cut off? Alone? Alarmed?

 I don’t think I will believe you if you say that you haven’t, but since I can’t hear you, you are only speaking to yourself anyway. So, don’t lie. 

 And for the rest of us, who have felt all of those emotions and more, this Psalm is breathtaking. 

 Read it again, please. 

 Our Father God hears us, even when we think He can’t. He hears us when we have given up. He hears when we think we are cut off. 

 I had a rough day on Sunday. I had two of my seizures, which are small and wouldn’t be noticed by the world around me but which wipe me out, during opening worship. I then spent almost all of the sermon time trying to figure out who I knew and who I didn’t, and why and how. 

 As I have written on here before, memory is very important and when it decides to abandon you it is problematic. 

 I had a third seizure very near the end of the service and feel like I forgot most of everything after that. I still knew how to walk, but not well. I didn’t pee my pants, which we will celebrate since that isn’t always true. We will choose to find the good. 

 I was feeling cut off. I was feeling overwhelmed. I was feeling confused. 

 That pretty much sums up Sunday. Memories eventually returned. I finally gave up and asked my kids to tell me a few names of people I love a lot and could picture in my head but simply couldn’t find a name for. I woke up “all better” on Monday. But fear had done it’s dirty little job and snuck back into my safe place. 

 So, the fight against it was renewed! Remember that, please. Fight again, fight more, fight harder. 

 There are two choices:

 You can be afraid, or not. 

 You can be overwhelmed, or not. 

 You can feel cut off, or not. 

 You sometimes have to feel everything. I think it is good to accept and respect all of those emotions in every part of your life. They are healthy and manageable and good when they are just an emotion, just a feeling, just a moment. But they are not the rule, they are not the ruler. Don’t let them be. 

 Remember that He hears our cry for mercy, always.

 March 30 is my next neurology appt. Then, hopefully, we find out the next step in this battle against epilepsy. While we wait join me in the Psalms, in this proclamation of hope.

Rejoice. Make that choice!

The first year

 Today is an anniversary.

 The anniversary of my father’s leaving us, of joining with Jesus, of passing away. Of Death.

 I suppose every day is an anniversary of something. Memories come and remind of the past. Words come and bring both sorrow and hope.
 My amazing Jesus has been so very involved today, using those words for hope in the midst of sorrow. Please, please, don’t ever lose sight of the strength He gives when we aren’t expecting.
 This morning as I prepped for the day a new song came on, at least new to me. It is called “Show Me”, and sung by Audrey Assad. Listen, if you have a moment. I interpreted it to be about mourning. Maybe not only mourning a person, but a dream or a hope or a desire.
 The line it starts with, “You could plant me like a tree beside the river. You could tangle me in soil and let my roots run wild...but for now just let me cry,” fit so perfectly with the words of Emerson, which had already reached out and struck me this morning that I had to stop and catch my breath.

 This Emerson quote is long, but I can’t find it in my heart to subtract anything.

  “And yet the compensations of calamity are made apparent to the understanding also, after long intervals of time. A fever, a mutilation, a cruel disappointment, a loss of wealth, a loss of friends, seems at the moment unpaid loss, and unpayable. But the sure years reveal the deep remedial force that underlies all facts. The death of a dear friend, wife, brother, lover, which seemed nothing but privation, somewhat later assumes the aspect of a guide or genius; for it commonly operates revolutions in our way of life, terminates an epoch of infancy or of youth which was waiting to be closed, breaks up a wonted occupation, or a household, or style of living, and allows the formation of new ones more friendly to the growth of character. It permits or constrains the formation of new acquaintances, and the reception of new influences that prove of the first importance to the next years; and the man or woman who would have remained a sunny garden flower, with no room for its roots and too much sunshine for its head, by the falling of the walls and the neglect of the gardener, is made the banyan of the forest, yielding shade and fruit to wide neighborhoods of men.”

— Self-Reliance and Other Essays by Ralph Waldo Emerson
http://a.co/5xwkdFX

Oh, that last line! Don’t be sad if you are no longer able to be a peaceful, quiet, pretty little flower in a garden. Know that God is taking you farther, making you grow into a tree, and thus providing shade for the world around you. Like the blog I wrote recently, about the verse with the lines “so that”...this struck me the same way. God is using every moment. Even the hard ones.
 Perhaps you need to ask Him for a moment just to cry, but don’t get stuck there. Don’t be content there.

 The chorus of the Audrey Assad song says, “Bind up these broken bones. Mercy bend and breathe me back to life...but not before You show me how to die.”

 How to die.

 What do we need to die to, so that we can be a tree, rather than a flower? What can we mourn and then let go?

 Seek truth. Find the pain that makes you better and stronger and more of what HE has called you to be and then celebrate it. Cry those tears, then rejoice in what they create.
 Blessings my friends.

Countdown

This verse rings true- I have startled myself multiple times in the last few days, passing by a mirror and being surprised. I forget that the hair is gone :) Makes me laugh. 

 We are driving up to Birmingham right now. The Pre-op appt and a 2 hour scan for part of a research study are today. We find out exactly how many sensors (a dozen is the estimate) will be inserted into my brain, and what time we need to be there tomorrow morning. The details will be worked out. It is feeling very real. 

 So, the request for a spirit of calm is what I ask for. Please, pray that over me, and over Andy as well. 

 Starting Thursday we will be asking for seizures, so that the sensors can do their job and identify exactly which part of my brain is misfiring and causing the seizures. But for now, please pray for me to let go of the need to control. Pray for me to trust my Savior to be working, even when I am overwhelmed or confused. 

 James 1:5 stood out to me today- “if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously...” 

 He gives generously. 

 Not just barely enough. 

 Not with payment expected. 

 Not only if you have earned it. 

 Generously. 

 So, I ask. I ask Him, and I ask for you to ask Him with me. 

 Be filled with joy my friends, even when it is overwhelming. 

 Be at peace, even when it seems far away. 

 Be blessed by His presence, at all times. 

 With love!  

A child

 Okay - it will have to be quick today, because I have a wonderful, fabulous, amazing friend visiting me tonight, and I don't  have much time to blog. (however, she doesn't read my blog, so she doesn't care about it - at all. What kind of friend is she, right? A friend who believes in phones, and coming to see me, rather then reading my blog - so you won't hear me complaining!)

Anyway - We had a yard sale today. I am trying to clear out some stuff before Andy deploys, so I don't have to put as much in storage while he is gone. 

 I had a fairly successful sale. I didn't sell my big items - my beautiful table that I have to, reluctantly, get rid of, or Andy's truck cover which he bought, painted primer grey, then stuck in my garage and has NEVER used once. Talk about a waste of money. Anyway, neither of those big items sold, but I sold a bunch of little stuff. I haven't counted the money yet, but I made at least $100, so that is cool. 

 The big story of the day came late in morning. We were thinking about closing down, business was slow, when three pre-teens that often roam my neighborhood rode up on their bikes. They were being slightly rambunctious, laughing a lot, but I didn't think too much of it. They asked prices on a few things, then rode away - saying they would return in awhile. 

 Two returned, used their $2.72 to purchase misc. items (every penny of it, which amused me to no end!) then, right before they left, the biggest one leaned over and said, "My Mom said not to say anything, but my friend stole a pair of pliers from you when we were here earlier." We talked it over a little, and I confirmed that they were our pliers. I thanked him for doing the right thing, and I asked him if he could ask his friend nicely to consider bringing them back. 

  

 A few minutes later, that same kid came back with the pliers. I thanked him again, and he rode off into the world of being 10 or 12 years old, and sadly, having a mother who advised him to "not say anything". 

 My heart breaks for him. 

 I respect him so much. 

 I hope, and pray, that he has a chance to turn into a man worthy of respect, rather then just a boy that does the right thing. 

 Please, take a moment and pray for him. Just because he is a child. 

A flash in the pan

Today I had to deal with something that is rare for me.

 I, Bethany Ruth Freeman, quiet, soft-spoken, laid back and easy going, (although slightly hyperactive and definitely NOT shy) was angry. Anger is a rare emotion for me. 

 Seriously. 

 I not trying to be "holy holy" or anything - it's just not my personality to get angry. I get discouraged, and frustrated, moody or sad along with the rest of the world. But good old ANGER is a rarity for me. 

 Today I was plain old mad. 

 I was disappointed, and discouraged, and confused - unsure of what was next, and how to get there - but over all of that was just plain anger. 

 I guess I should back up a step and explain. 

 Andy has been working on his package to become an officer in the AF. He has worked really hard to finish his college (only two classes left, and he will graduate in March), has done lots of extra paperwork trying to prepare himself, and just recently took the AFOQT, which is a test, similar to the SAT that tests you on lots of different things. He got his score for that yesterday, and although it wasn't brilliant, it was sufficient. We were thinking positive thoughts about his package being accepted. 

 Today he had a meeting with a higher ranking person who told him that he does not feel that Andy's package is worth submitting. Every six months in the AF you get a "grade" basically. A number from 1-5, with 5 being the best. About 18 months ago, when Andy was last deployed, the person who was over him gave him a 4, rather than a 5. Andy was deployed - he didn't even find out about his "bad grade" until it had been turned in and was not able to be questioned. He did not give him a chance to ask why. He did not give him a reason for the 4. There was not "fix this, and I will give you a better score". Nothing. 

 That 4 has already been a huge bone of contention for us, because it was what kept Andy from getting Staff Sgt. last year. He had to wait another whole year for that rank, simply because of that 4. But, we dealt with it, and survived. But now, once again, because of that 4, we are being told we cannot have what we want. 

 So, some idiot, that I have never met, and never will meet, because he isn't even in the AF anymore - some idiot has been able to basically destroy the plans we had for our future. Without even giving a justification. If he had written out "Andy is awful at this, and failed at this, and deserves this 4 because...." I think I could handle it better. But he didn't. Or, if Andy had been in the same country with him when he wrote it, that would have made it easier to bear. He had worked with him in the past, but at the time it was written, they weren't even in the same country. 

 But when I stop, and take a deep breath, and read what I have written the part that stands out the most is "the plans WE had for our future". That is the part that makes me stop and think. And pray. 

 Obviously, Andy and I have prayed about this officer package a lot. Over and over we have prayed about it. But have we listened for an answer, or merely asked God to do what we wanted Him to do? We have asked Him for wisdom, but I can't be assured that we have taken the time for listen to that wisdom. 

 Right this minute, we have no other choice. Wait - Listen - Pray - and at least on my part, Forgive. That idiot, whoever he is, wherever he is, maybe he was just making it possible for God to get our attention. 

 I wish there was an easier way for God to get our attention, but while He has it, I hope I learn what I am supposed to learn. Please God, teach me. 

 Teach me.