Me, Myself and I (#500)

The time for my 500th post has come. I was wondering what I could write about, mulling it over, perhaps stressing more then I should, considering only about four people actually care what I put here.

Then I mentioned it to Andy, and he was full of ideas. Once again, I wonder why he doesn't write...

Perhaps because he would rather do things like this?

Last week he finally had his interview with the Army Officer board. One of the questions they asked him was, "What three words best describe you, and why". He had only a few seconds to come up with his answer, but I approve of what came off the top of his head. I think perhaps it is a good description of who he really is. His answers were:

Integrity, Spirituality, Motivation

Of course, he got to talk a little more about those words, and how they apply to his life. After the interview he was even encouraged by one of the Captains that interviewed him. He said something along the lines of "keeping your faith known (but not pushed on them, obviously) to your men once you become an officer will be appreciated. They will look towards a leader with faith when times get tough."

When Andy asked me what words best describe me, I could only come up with titles. Who I am, not what. (think mommy, Christian, wife) He said those don't count. They are too obvious. I have to go deeper then that. So, I have been on a mission to figure out what three words best describe me, and why.

I have finally decided on:

Joy, Reflection, Edification,

Joy is fairly obvious I guess. I try to shine it, share it, keep it with me all the time.

It is the name of our school, J for Jesus, O for others, Y for yourself = that equals JOY.

I love to laugh, and laughter is contagious. I wouldn't say that I am much of a joker. Actually more of the opposite, but I love to laugh. But even when laughter is hard, when happiness is missing, Joy is always there. When I can't find it by myself, I remember who provides it, and ask Him to pour it out on me. And, I am blessed with people all around me who share my passion for Joy, and when I have lost mine, they help me find it.

Reflection is the fancy word I chose to say that I want to be a shining star, a mirror, a light.

A mirror, which shows as clear a reflection of Jesus as possible. Sometimes, because it is just a mirror and not the real thing, it will be warped, or discolored, or shaky. But still, it reflects.

A star, which reflects light in darkness and burns its own inner fire. I want to shine for Jesus to the entire world. I want to shine in simple things like listening and responding with interest when my hubby rambles on about engines and intakes. I want to shine in larger things like teaching my children the Word of God so they can have a light for every step as they learn. Reflection seems like a huge responsibility.

These boys are a huge responsibility. But oh, they are worth it!

Edification is my gift. I am a listener. An encourager. A problem solver. When someone just needs to vent, I am here. When someone is having a really bad day, and needs someone to find the one positive thing, that is what I was made for. Hopefully, that advice I give actually edifies, or educates and helps solve the problem. Maybe sometimes I am just an encourager. Either way, listening, and then trying to do something about the problem - that is my third word. That is what I hope I am.

Now, here comes the fun part. I've given you a taste of who I am, now it's your turn. All of you lurkers, you who never comment, or rarely have something to say - I would like to hear what three words best describe you. No titles, only descriptors. It can't be who you are, so think deeper. As a side note - those of you who often comment, I would like to hear from you too.

Here's to #1000!

What have I done?

I think that I might be, in general, a little too open minded about the differences people choose in their lives.

I have taught my children to not judge hair styles, or piercing. Clothing or tattoos. Different people like different styles of music, different decor in their house and different cars (or motorcycles for that matter!) I have even taught them to accept, to some level, different ways of praising God. As long as they have identified the one true God, I am pretty open as to how He is praised, be it with tradition hymns, rock band, orchestra, or simply standing in the rain and raising your arms in praise.

However, I think I need to set some limits.

Tonight after dinner I was fussing at Canaan because, as usual, he had managed to get his dinner all over his face. Then, when I handed him a wipe to clean it off, he just made it worse. When I started a miniature rant about "You're seven years old. You should be able to aim your food into your mouth by now.... blah blah blah" he looked me dead in the face and said, "To each his own Mom."

Yeah.

That wasn't the proper response. It may have stopped the rant for a second, and when it resumed, it was slightly redirected. But had the same end goal.

And a slightly changed mommy behind it.

Sheesh....

A Harry Potter recap

When the second person in three days (strangely enough, both of them male) called to ask me when I was finally going to write a blog about my feeling on Harry Potter, I decided perhaps it was time.

I think that most of you know I started the series because I read a blog saying that they, and other books with wizards, vampires, or magic in general, were evil. I couldn't just assume that, especially since I have read some fabulous books that include magic (The Chronicles of Narnia, The Hobbit) and even Vampires (I know some will disagree, but I think the Twilight series is very clean, and touches on some deep subjects). The above mentioned men in my life (my BIL and my hubby's best friend) had been trying to get me to read the HP series for years now, but somehow being told I shouldn't was the inspiration I needed.

So I read them.

The first one is definitely a children's book. Easy to read, entertaining, and ending in a way that lets you know there is more to come. I wasn't hooked yet, but definitely enjoying them.

By the third one I could have told you that Ron and Hermione would end up together, and that Harry would love Ginny.

But I didn't know how very much I would love Dumbledore, how I would CRY when he died. Or how long I would cling to the hope that Severus was not truly evil. Over and over I held to that hope. Perhaps it is a personality thing, but I had to keep hoping for him, even when it looked like there was nothing left to hope for.

There are so many easy to point out similarities between the story of salvation through Christ and the Harry Potter series. One willing to sacrifice himself for the good of all, who dies, and them comes back to life, in this case because of his purity of heart.

I think what struck me over and over was not the main characters, choosing sides for the fight. Dumbledores Army were fighting against Voldemorts evil minions. What bothered me was that there were people who didn't fight. They just sat there, and waited, and watched from the sidelines, either in fear, or simple inability to pick a side. (or perhaps just waiting to see who won?) Often Voldermort would put a spell on them, making them work for him, even if they didn't mean to. I can't come up with that word right now, but it was like a brain washing spell.

I feel like that is a good description of a large portion of our country today. They aren't evil. Not fighting in Voldemorts army, trying to destroy the world. But they aren't choosing to fight for good either. They are just laying back, watching and waiting, and running around in their self-centered little lives. Self-centered being the operative word there.

When we aren't choosing to fight for good, we leave ourselves open to the brain washing spell. We can be taken over to work for the lord of lies, without even knowing it.

The books were well written, entertaining, and clean, which is harder and harder to find. The first two were fairly simple, but they got deeper, both in vocabulary and in thought as they went.

Most of all, they made me think. They reminded me that NOT choosing a side is NOT an option.

Not only do I have to choose a side, and fight for it with all my heart, I need to remind those around me to do the same.

Please, don't be lackadaisical. Make a stand. Be visual. Be vocal.

Just in case I haven't made it clear before - I am in the Lord's Army.

Emotions thrown up all over the place

So many thoughts running through my head. Emotions needing spilled, again.

I have a blog on Harry Potter, crying out to be written, but tonight is not the night. (Although it needs to be soon before I read too many other books and forget too much!)

The last few days have been really rough, physically. I can go weeks without feeling a single absence seizure. I suppose that even though I can't feel them, they are still happening? The meds are just masking them? I don't know. Over the last three days I have felt them, strongly.

I have instructions from my doctor to simply take an extra Topamax "as needed". On top of the seizures making me tired, and the catchup from VBS wearing me out, I now have MORE Topamax in my system. So, tonight when the boys were in the tub I laid down, just for a second.

I fell about 90% asleep.

I heard Canaan calling for me, "Mommy, can we get out of the bath now? I can't reach my towel". Poor Z hadn't even had his hair washed yet.

As Canaan was drying off I apologized for leaving them so long. He turned to me and said, "That's okay mommy. I was just afraid we were going to have to come and get you. What if you had had a seizure?"

My heart broke just a little.

I know there are other seven year olds out there who have heavier burdens to bear. But I didn't want my seven year old to have to bear a burden at all. The fact that he has to spend even one minute of his day worrying that I might have had a seizure, that makes me sad. He's not supposed to worry about me - that is role reversal in it's purest form.

However, I must say I am so glad it is me that is sick, and not him. I would much rather him worry about me, and be gloriously healthy himself than the other way around. A fabulous blog that I read, another military wife and mom, was writing this weekend about her son's battle with cancer. She knows about a real broken heart. I can only pray that I never have to know that fear.

In other news...

Tomorrow, unless things change again, is Andy's interview with the Army officer board. It has already changed once, so I am trying not to get too "set", but this one sounds pretty certain. So, big possibility. We can only wait and see. Every little thing that could slow his package down has happened. And every time it has looked like it was going to be impossible, it has worked out. So, if it is not going to go, we will know that God is in charge of that.

But oh, we would like it to go!

One day left

I knew that VBS week was going to be killer. Truly, I did. But knowing it, and actually living it are two completely different things.

All week I have been saying to myself, "Bethany, you just reappeared in the world of blogging. This is no time to disappear again." But every night, I have simply crashed. Today however, I fell asleep in an exhausted heap from 3:30 to 4, so I have a small second wind built in.

Two sad thing I have learned this week: 1.) It is really hard to get your body onto a new schedule. 2am -9am versus 12-7... they are the same amount of sleep, but when your body is use to one, it really hurts to try to go to bed "early" and get up "early". I have been trying to get to bed by 11, but my body just struggles with that. Plus, with VBS taking up 8-12:30 every day, and there still being the normal schedule of Tang soo do for C, speech therapy for Z, and well, things like laundry, grocery shopping, returning library books, cooking an actual meal and then putting the dishes in the dishwasher....

I am making myself tired just writing about it.

But back to my original point. The second sad thing I learned is that I am not happy with my new camera. I have heard great reviews about this model, but mine is not great AT ALL. I can get decent pictures with it, but I have to work for them. With kids, I don't want to have to work for them. I want them to be easy.

I am not sure if I got a faulty one, or if I am just hard to please. Either way, it is going back tomorrow. I might use it for the final day of VBS, because I don't have time to go research and pick out a new one tonight. But I might just use my old one. I am not pleased.

Thankfully, there have been others taking pictures for VBS. However, I am the only one who has been there every day, all day. One of the fathers is a professional, and has equipment that is amazing. He got some fabulous action shots. But he came for about an hour, two separate days. One of the mothers has a fabulous camera, and an amazing eye for shots. But she was only able to come for half of today. So, it has just been me, three hours a day, every day. I am the one who has (hopefully) gotten the shots of kids loving on each other, bonding with a teacher, learning something cool, painting a fun craft....

Oh the pressure! It is hilarious though. I am in charge of the drama and music on stage so after opening "ceremony" I am a floater until the closing - I take pictures, run errands, find lost items, etc. Several of the kids just assume that I am coming to take their picture. As soon as they see me walking their direction, they pose. A couple of the others have taken to telling me "no flash photography allowed" as soon as I get close. I have been sure to get several shots of them, just to be annoying!

These are my drama teens. The one not in costume runs our sound and video. They have all been fabulous!

These girls are two of my shutter bugs.

They love to ham it up, and then immediately want to see their picture.

I loved this shot of all the shoes.

They had to take them off before they played the game that required them to do things like

hula hoop in jello,

or stand in a bucket of ice!

There are more pictures I would add, but they will have to be edited first. The kids all wore name tags, and I don't think it would be wise to post their names across the web.

As exhausting as it is, I am loving every minute. From dancing enthusiastically on stage, to helping make breakfast kabob "swords of the spirit",

water balloons and hula hoops, 400 pictures, and even cleaning up after the poor little thing that ate too many marshmallows... and you can guess that how story ends. I love Vacation Bible School. Little hearts that are eager to love Jesus, openly, without holding back. It truly is a beautiful thing to be a part of.

Dads

Happy Father's Day... or perhaps, like my dear hubby said when he called his dad this afternoon, "Happy Mother's Day". (he still insists that he said Father's day, but both his dad and I insist that we heard mother...)

I have been very blessed to have fabulous men in my life, always.

My Daddy is in India this year for Father's day. He went to celebrate the 80th birthday of his friend, and has stayed now to mourn with him the passing of his amazing wife. Pain and joy so often go hand and hand. Understanding is not ours - at least not while we are here on this earth.

Sometimes I comfort myself by saying that "when I get to heaven I can ask God 'why'?". But truthfully, I think that when I get there, I will be too full of praise, and joy and celebration to remember any questions.

Lots of things hurt now, here on earth. So many questions don't have answers, and quite honestly, it is downright annoying. But, in the really big picture, how important are those questions?

As I said though, I have always had amazing men in my life.

My Papaw (my mom's dad) loved Jesus with such enthusiasm that it was contagious, and had a joy that poured out of him. I was only seven when he went into a coma, but my memories of him are strong enough that even at that young of an age he has influenced my entire life.

My Daddy Bill (my dad's dad) has been a constant. He is not the open and sharing type - I am not sure I have ever seen him show anything emotion stronger then a simple smile or frown. He may not be outward with his hugs and smiles, but he always made sure to ask about our school projects and summer plans. Rock steady and always there. Now the great grandkids are loosening him up a bit.

But my dad- he is amazing. He sometimes wanted to take after his dad, and try not to share his emotions. But my mom is very much her father's daughter. Everything in the open, good and bad, share it all equally. Then, they had four daughters. My poor dad was doomed. A house full of girls, with Sharp genes in them. Well, emotions were not going to be contained, that was for sure!

When we were growing up he would read us our bedtime story, and bible, and pray with us before bed. I have such wonderful memories of cuddling up to him, looking over his shoulder while he read. Even when I got too old to listen to stories, I would sometimes still curl up and listen while he read to my little sisters. The winter we spent in India he read the Hobbit. When I read it now to my boys, I still hear his voice.

He taught us about loving Jesus completely. He taught us to always be prepared for the future, but remember to live each day like it could be our last. He taught us responsibility. He taught us about trust, and love, and faith. Especially faith - those giant leaps of faith. He was, and is, a man who will step out, even when he can't see where his foot is going to land. That is sort of amazing actually, because my Dad was a computer programmer, boyscout, everything in it's place sort of guy before he met my Mom... and then met Jesus. Jesus asked him to give up a lot of his comfort zone. He still likes to organize his pencils "just so", and file his papers in exactly the right order... but when God said step out in faith, he did. And he continues to.

I am so very glad to have my daddy as an example.

One last story about him. When I was 19 I was feeling adventurous. I went with several of my friends in college and we all got belly button rings. Knowing how conservative my parents were, I was a little worried about what they would think. When my dad found out he didn't yell. He didn't even tell me that I shouldn't have done it. He only gave me a scripture verse, and told me to pray about it. " I can't remember now which one it was, either 1Pet 3:3, or 1Tim 2:9, but they both talk about a woman of God needing no outward adornment, jewels or fancy clothes, but rather being clothed in good works and a quiet spirit, etc. The belly ring only lasted about five days. I am not going to say that I think a belly ring is wrong in any way - but making my daddy think I wanted outward adornment more then a pure spirit - well, that was enough for me.

Thank you dad for teaching me about what is important, every single day.

Now I have another amazing man in my life. That father of my own children. And actually, HIS father too. I am so very thankful for my father in law. He did a wonderful job raising my husband to be a great husband and father.

Andy is currently digging through thousands of lego's to find the missing piece to a set they have been trying to build. That is devotion. That man loves his Savior, loves his country, loves his children, and thankfully, loves me too.

One day at a time, we are raising men who we pray will someday be amazing fathers also.

I'm BAAAACK

I can't really say where I have been these last few weeks. It's not like it is top secret or anything. I just haven't been anywhere specific. I was at Mom's for awhile - two weddings and a triple birthday party packed into one weeks time.

Seven and Five - (and an age which shall not be mentioned...that would be me)

Family picture at wedding number one.

Wedding number two.

Four sisters - Maid of honor, Matron of honor, Wedding Coordinator, and little ole me, who just hops around aimlessly saying "How can I help?".

But wasn't she a beautiful bride!

Mary Faith fixed my hair (and makeup) for the wedding.

I hardly recognized myself!

I have been home for a while - the count down to VBS is this week. And since I can't say no to anything, I am running drama and music.

However, the big event of the week was this....

My family says I am weakening with age - or with time married - or something.

 Andy has been pining for a motorcycle from the day I met him. I have always said "no". Or at least "not right now". But I guess he finally wore me down. He got it cheap, and he is over 30 now, so the insurance is cheap, and he just asked so nicely...

Yeah, I am a sucker for those adorable faces he makes. giggle giggle

Now I get to be a biker chick, sitting up on the back behind my big tough dude. Yep.

We'll just see what happens...

Pure and Holy

Although Potter has been taking most of my free time, I have not given up the "red letters". (or loads and loads of information about ancient Egypt either, but more on that later)

I have been reading the Gospel of John, and this passage really stood out to me the other day. "I have told these men all about you. They were in the world, but then you gave them to me...Holy Father, keep them in your own care- all those you have given me - so that they will be united just as we are, with none missing....Make them pure and holy through teaching them your words of truth... I am not praying this for these alone but also for the future believers who will come to me because of the testimony of these. My prayer for all of them is that they will be of one heart and mind." John 17, misc verses.

Did you read that? Jesus himself prayed for me. And you. He prayed that we would be pure and holy. He prayed that we would understand the words of truth.

I know I have read that multiple times over the course of my life, but for some reason it really hit me last week. He didn't just pray blessings over the men he had worked with and knew personally right then. He prayed specifically for those who would come later.

I know that we have the Holy Spirit, who is a constant, daily help. But for some reason that little prayer for holiness by my Savior, written right there by John - it blessed me.

Be blessed my friends.

Reading, Reading, small break to breath, Read some more!

I have not had words lately. Not that there hasn't been beautiful things happening here. Tricia came to visit. We had the end of the year homeschool P.E. party. Karate practice, which Canaan is making wonderful improvement in. I am sure I will post pictures eventually.

But right now words are only coming in, not going out. That is just how my brain is wired right this minute.

You see, for years now people have been telling me I should read the Harry Potter books. I have always said... sure, one of these days. But, everyone was reading them. I don't usually like to be too trendy. However, not too long ago, someone told me I shouldn't read them. She said that no Christian should read any books that have magic, or vampires, or anything she considered "evil" in it. She listed several specific books in her list that are popular right now. She, however, had not read any of them. Just felt that if they had something "evil" in them, then they shouldn't be read.

Absolutist thinking like that gets my guard up, so, or course, it got me on a mission. Maybe even brought out that little bit of rebellion in me? Being told I shouldn't do something, hmmm. I had already read the Twilight series (which is one of the others that she condemned) but Harry Potter was still on my list. I read the first three and a half last week. After my weekend off to visit, I finished four and have gotten halfway through five.

Potter has sort of taken over my free time.

I think I will wait to write an entire post when I have finished the whole series... but for now I will say that I think that imagination is a fabulous thing. And that it is IMAGINATION.

On the schedule for today ... back to reading!

Bowls of Icecream...

...just because!

Zion said - "Mom, don't take my picture!"

and the looks just kept getting darker...

Finally, a smile! sort of....

Canaan on the other hand, is a ham!

(albiet, with chocolate on his face, but a ham none the less)

Anyone who is a picture person can look at these pictures and see why I asked for a camera for my birthday. I'll be letting you know how that turns out... (it's in the mail!)

A repost

My friend Tricia has been sharing some of her older posts, a bit of remembering. I realized today that I could do that too.

This was originally posted May 31st of last year.

A post from the road

We are somewhere in Louisianna, at a Comfort Inn. My parents and children are in the room next door. Two of my sisters and a friend are in the beds behind me. I should be sleeping, and preparing for another day on the road tomorrow.
But right this minute I am just so very full. Full of Joy. Full of Faith. Full of Hope.
I have to let some of it out before I can attempt to sleep.

A few days ago I was reading a devotional about Nehemiah. They basis of the reading was pointing out in the second chapter when the king asks him why he is sad, Nehemiah is terrified but his first reaction is to pray.
My absolute first thought when reading this was, "well duh!"

After reading through the encouraging devotional concerning this subject I was actually in some ways disheartened. I was so saddened by the thought that there are some people, God fearing Christian people who love Jesus with their whole heart, who would not have their first reaction be prayer. What a sad, sad, thing to focus on fear, or any emotion really. How very blessed I am that I was taught from my earliest memories to place absolutely everything at the feet of God.

So, I have been thinking about this scripture, and prayer, and my amazing family a lot over the last couple of days.
After spending a lot of hours in the van with my parents and Kelsey driving to TX, I have had plenty of opportunity to NOT like my family. But none of those little nitpicky things matter. Honestly, it may drive me a little batty the way my dad drives, or they way my mom fusses at the way he drives, but those things don't change what really matters.
We were raised right. That is just a wonderful thing to have!

Now, on the way back to GA, we have Mary and her roommate Lindsay with us, and a second car. The van is loaded down with all the girls stuff, my parents, and my kids. The car has the four of us girls. As we were driving down the road this evening a song came on about God being our healer, and our portion, and something about trust. For some reason I just lost it. I was suddenly tired of being sick, tired of asking for healing. Tired of waiting for my sister to be well, and have a baby. For most of my life my parents have taken me to healing services, had me prayed over by anyone with that gift, asked repeatedly for God to step in.

The answer has always been Not right now.

The healing has always been for my heart, and my attitude, and my ability to cheerfully be diabetic, willingly use my disease as a ministry. I have had plenty of healing, and I wouldn't trade it for physical healing - not for a minute.

But for some reason this new disorder, these blackouts, or atypical migraines, or whatever they are - they are sapping my ability to cheerfully "deal". Added to that my unbelievable hurt for my little sister's physical and emotional pain, and the fact that my hubby is gone and our adoption is still delayed...
I guess I was a walking timebomb full of tears.

But here is the amazing part. Kelsey reached over and grabbed one hand. Mary reached up from the back seat for another hand. And we poured out our tears to our Father. Fears and hurt. Hopes and dreams. Old and new. As a family, automatically.
We were missing one sister, but she was definitely included, and prayed for.

I am so very thankful for my family. I am so glad that our automatic response, to pain or joy, is to take it to Jesus.
Faith. Joy. Hope. Truth. That is what we have, as well as who we are.

Emilee Hope, Kelsey Joy, Mary Faith - and Bethany Ruth... I get to be Truth. That is our heritage, and we claim it. This year, just as much as last.

And we love to laugh!

7th Birthday pictures

His "first thing in the morning" present from Noni.

And of course, one for Zion too, so he wouldn't feel left out. Crazy, spoiling, Noni.

Canaan's birthday party may have been last minute, and haphazardly planned, but it was fun, so all is well.

My friend Mary has a giant inflatable water slide.

(She runs a children't ministry, and used this for an end of the year party a few times.

Lucky us!)

Maddy, the little sister of good friend Cole, didn't want those big boys landing on top of her. She got the slide all to herself every once in awhile.

Then she would sit in safety with Mom and baby brother.

Getting wet, throwing water balloons, and trying to be a cool as Cole's big brother - What could be better?

Trust me, big brother CJ is being a helper - it looks like he is pushing in this picture, but he is just keeping them under control a little bit!

I failed at the "make a cake tomorrow morning" goal - I tried a new recipe, which was a total flop. Luckily, Walmart is close by, always open, and has cookie cakes in stock at all times.

I don't think he minded, do you?

Just had to show how very much I am my Mother's daughter. See the Lego in the corner of the picture, with the Target clearance tag still on it? That was from me. I was just so proud of that half price deal. I couldn't bear to take the price off! If I had been giving it to someone else, of course I would have, but staying in the family I didn't want to forget what a great bargain I had gotten!

Remembering

Andy is always trying to get me to clean out and get rid of things. We are military after all, and every piece of paper is weight, which has to be moved over and over again. But there are some things that I just can't let go.

Last summer while he was deployed I cleaned out "under the stairs" at my mom's house, and got rid of some old cards, letters, toys from my childhood. But some had to stay.

This week I have been trying to do the same with the more recent memories. More pieces of paper from college, cards sent congratulating us on being pregnant (with Canaan) all the letters from Basic, Tech school, Korea and all three deployments.

Andy insists that boys don't care about things like that, and there is absolutely no reason to save the cards they got for their first halloween... but it sure it hard to just throw them away. I had to save the entire first year. Just because.

But I guess they don't need the cards for their second and third birthdays?

Anyway, he can't lie and say that males don't care about words. He has saved every letter I ever sent him while he has been gone. He put them in ziplock bags and brought them home again. Much of the time in which I have been supposed to be getting rid of things, I have instead been reading my old letters to him.

There have been pages and pages of trite filler - at first telling him about my class, and then about Canaan, and later Zion. There are also pages and pages of gushing about how much I love and miss him. But mixed in with the daily details and mush, I find moments recorded when God spoke to me. And I am so very grateful to have those written down on paper and saved for me. the memory of those moments is almost as strong as when they happened in the first place.

The first time Andy deployed he went to an "undisclosed location" in the middle east. It was only for a little over three months, so I really couldn't complain. Our first child was 8 months old, and I was blessed to be able to leave our earthly belongings in our base housing in CA, and stay with my family in GA.

Here is an small part of a letter I had written Andy from about halfway through the deployment:

"Tonight on the way home from your parent's it just felt wrong. I was going to the wrong place, and the wrong people were going to be there. As much as I love my family and this beautiful little room they have fixed for me, it just felt wrong. I guess I had reached the end of my rope. I was beginning to feel that I couldn't do it anymore.... Tonight, I just wanted to hold you. And if the story ended there, I would be crying right now. But God is gracious. Part of my Bible reading for tonight was Psalm 34 - 'I will bless the Lord at ALL TIMES:His praise shall continually be in my mouth.' I am reminded to give praise in all things, even when I have reached the end of my own strength. That is the only thing that keeps me going- His strength. So I guess this is a letter to remind you to trust in His strength and to praise Him in all things. Vs 4 says 'He delivered me from all my fears.' So, once again I hand Him all my fears. I take them back almost daily, but He always accept them when I turn them over again."

That was over six year ago now, and he has gone away, again and again since that time. And yes, it has gotten easier. Partly because I have gotten use to it, but also because I have those reminders over and over that "I will bless the Lord at ALL TIMES".

That is why I cannot get rid of old letters. I just can't. You never know when you might NEED to read them again.

As a side note, I have an entire gallon sized bag full of letters I have written him for each deployment. I think Andy has about 30 total, for the entire 8 years of AF time. He was such a great writer until I married him.... Why is that once you get a ring on your finger, they quit trying quite so hard? But, at least I have last year's poetry! I told you, words are important!

Happy 7th Birthday Canaan

I was going to write a beautiful post about how seven years ago this beautiful boy made me a mother.

And really, I am so glad that he did. I CANNOT imagine life without him.

But I have a sore throat, and an aching head, it is after 1am, and I still have to wrap the presents, and make a cake in the morning, plus I promised him whatever he wanted for breakfast.

I sure do wish Andy would get home from work...

In the meantime, enjoy a small slideshow of Canaan over the last seven year.

Seems just like yesterday.

We made him just like Daddy, right from the beginning.

Not that it was hard - he looks just like him!

Right around his first birthday. Those pics aren't digital, so you get what you get!

This was right before Daddy left for a year in Korea.

I held onto this picture a lot while he was gone.

I love this picture - before Andy cut off all his curls!

This was just a couple months after he turned two.

The new big brother.

Third birthday mohawk

What, you never heard of that tradition?

Just a cute one... about 3 1/2

He caught his first fish on his fourth birthday.

Already has the "sweater attitude"...

Fifth - the addiction begins

but he got a bike too!

And a week later, was in my sister's wedding.

Last year was a huge party - we're going a little less crazy this year.

Last fall

Last week