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I am happily married to an amazing military man who spent 9 years enlisted and is now an Officer in the US Army. We have two amazing boys who are not so little any more! They still infuse every moment of every day with creativity and energy, and make my life an adventure.  I was educated at home, and am now teaching our children - second generation homeschoolers! I try every day to become more like Jesus Christ, and to love like HE does. If you want you can try and catch me at bethylovesandy@yahoo.com

My Blog Title Verse

"For the Lord gives wisdom. From His mouth come knowledge and understanding." Proverbs 2:6 NKJV 
The Message translation puts it this way "God gives out Wisdom free, is plainspoken in Knowledge and Understanding."

Verse of the day

Monday, November 30, 2009

Trying again

The Thanksgiving rush is over.
The Christmas craziness is about to begin.

There will be stories of birthday parties, and fun events, and celebrations galore.

It really is time for me to start blogging again. So, here goes...

Sorry I have been "gone". I had to wait until I could blog with a positive attitude. I am never willing to post something that is less then real and truthful. But at the same time, some emotions need to be worked through and slightly contained before they are posted.

On November 19th while working around the house, teaching the boy's school, cleaning up, etc, I had been praying as I worked. If you are a friend of Jesus, you know how it is. "Lay all your burdens on Him, for He cares for you". I had specifically been praying about our adoption. Recently we had hoped to have her by Christmas, but it was looking like it would be bumped back to March, which is her birthday. She will be four.
I had prayed, quite specifically, and clearly "Lord, I would really love to have her here right now, you know that. However, I trust you to do what is best for her. She is your child first."

You have to mean what you say, don't you?

Just a few hours later I got an E-mail telling me that another family, a Dutch family with closer connections to Benin, and a better ability to work with the government there, and an agency that is able to speak the same language - well, they were adopting Gladys.
My daughter.

I have known about her for a year. A YEAR. Technically, I shouldn't have been assigned a specific child that long ago. Only because Pierre knows the director of orphanage personally, and was there - he picked her out for me. He took the pictures, sent them to me. He didn't anticipate any problems keeping her for me.
However, legally, I had no hold on her.
But emotionally, she was mine.

I have mourned a good bit. Several people (Andy being one of them) have pointed out to me that "she isn't dead". She has been placed in a home, which is the entire point of the adoption process.
I think they expect me to just get over it.
And truly, I am thrilled for her. I am excited for that family. She will probably be better off with them, since she is almost 4, and speaks French - they most likely do too.

But that doesn't mean I didn't hurt.

I don't suppose I will ever not hurt, just a little, when I think about her. I still have pain, just for a moment, when I think about Anastasia, and I only carried her for six weeks. I still think about Gifty, not so much with pain, but I think about her, often. She was only a very tiny part of our lives, and the very beginning of our adoption story. (which, by the way, last I heard, she is doing well)
When children touch my life, they touch it forever.

More then anything though, I meant what I prayed. I trust that God has done what is best for her. God has perfect timing, and He was preparing me. He always does.
I am positive that our family is not complete yet. So, when, where and how God is going to complete our family is up to Him.

Right this minute, I am torn. We are still halfway through the approval process with the government of Benin. We just have to wait for another child to be assigned to us. We could still have one by March. Our homestudy expires - here in America - in March. We could just try to adopt here. I keep hearing about all the children in the foster system who need a permanent home.
For now I take it one minute at a time. My fragile heart can't take much more then that.

8 comments:

Tricia said...

I am praying for you.

Carrie said...

The alternate of that statement is also true... when YOU touch a child's life, you touch it forever. Each and every child that has been "yours" for however long...they had your thoughts and prayers and for whatever reason, you may never know...they were needed. You have impacted those two children who needed your prayers and you I think were able to feel loved through those prayers. Who knows but that you didn't help the very best happen for them, just because. And God is surely preparing your heart for something..something awesome and perfect for YOU and your boys.
I love you!

Dawn said...

Is there possibly a way for you to send something to her in her new home? Knowing how much you care for her even if she never comes to the USA would be a very special gift.

We are waiting this very minute for our home study to become foster parents ourselves. You are certainly right about the need being there. We are working with intensive foster care - the kids that no one seems to want. This breaks my heart. Every child disearves home and a love. I will pray that God guides you in the direction your love can do the most good. God Bless you for caring - even if sometimes it hurts.

autumnesf said...

My heart is so so broken for you!!! I can't imagine the loss and pain you must be feeling. I'm so sorry!

You can always email me if you want to "talk".

Anonymous said...

Aww Bethany I have been thinking about you and praying for you this year not sure why but my family told me you were trying to adopt. I was looking into fostering last year a couple weeks before I began courting a friend.... fiance. I have two friends one fostering children locally wanting to adopt and the other that it took a good two years waiting for thier adoption to go through it did and it was worth it. Now I know why you have been on my heart. I know we don't talk much but I am tearing up just from knowing this years struggles. Keep up the fight you are beautiful too the Lord and so many.

Karen said...

So very sorry for your pain and disappointment ...but anxiously awaiting what God has in store for you and Andy.....

Mandi said...

Bethany, I just read this post and my heart breaks for you. I know that you're trusting the Lord through all of this, but the sting of hurt doesn't necessarily go away because of that. I am praying that the Lord continues to give you His comfort. It is exciting to think of the plan He has for your family. I believe that He gave you the desire for another child, and will fulfill that in the perfect time, in the perfect way.

Marcy said...

I am praying for y'all. I know you are heart broken. I can't imagine how you feel.