Trying again

The Thanksgiving rush is over.

The Christmas craziness is about to begin.

There will be stories of birthday parties, and fun events, and celebrations galore.

It really is time for me to start blogging again. So, here goes...

Sorry I have been "gone". I had to wait until I could blog with a positive attitude. I am never willing to post something that is less then real and truthful. But at the same time, some emotions need to be worked through and slightly contained before they are posted.

On November 19th while working around the house, teaching the boy's school, cleaning up, etc, I had been praying as I worked. If you are a friend of Jesus, you know how it is. "Lay all your burdens on Him, for He cares for you". I had specifically been praying about our adoption. Recently we had hoped to have her by Christmas, but it was looking like it would be bumped back to March, which is her birthday. She will be four.

I had prayed, quite specifically, and clearly "Lord, I would really love to have her here right now, you know that. However, I trust you to do what is best for her. She is your child first."

You have to mean what you say, don't you?

Just a few hours later I got an E-mail telling me that another family, a Dutch family with closer connections to Benin, and a better ability to work with the government there, and an agency that is able to speak the same language - well, they were adopting Gladys.

My daughter.

I have known about her for a year. A YEAR. Technically, I shouldn't have been assigned a specific child that long ago. Only because Pierre knows the director of orphanage personally, and was there - he picked her out for me. He took the pictures, sent them to me. He didn't anticipate any problems keeping her for me.

However, legally, I had no hold on her.

But emotionally, she was mine.

I have mourned a good bit. Several people (Andy being one of them) have pointed out to me that "she isn't dead". She has been placed in a home, which is the entire point of the adoption process.

I think they expect me to just get over it.

And truly, I am thrilled for her. I am excited for that family. She will probably be better off with them, since she is almost 4, and speaks French - they most likely do too.

But that doesn't mean I didn't hurt.

I don't suppose I will ever not hurt, just a little, when I think about her. I still have pain, just for a moment, when I think about Anastasia, and I only carried her for six weeks. I still think about Gifty, not so much with pain, but I think about her, often. She was only a very tiny part of our lives, and the very beginning of our adoption story. (which, by the way, last I heard, she is doing well)

When children touch my life, they touch it forever.

More then anything though, I meant what I prayed. I trust that God has done what is best for her. God has perfect timing, and He was preparing me. He always does.

I am positive that our family is not complete yet. So, when, where and how God is going to complete our family is up to Him.

Right this minute, I am torn. We are still halfway through the approval process with the government of Benin. We just have to wait for another child to be assigned to us. We could still have one by March. Our homestudy expires - here in America - in March. We could just try to adopt here. I keep hearing about all the children in the foster system who need a permanent home.

For now I take it one minute at a time. My fragile heart can't take much more then that.