I have had a bit of writers block the last week or so. I have lots to say. Perhaps too much. It is all just jumbled and confused and fighting to figure out what is important. Trying to pick which words are priority to come out first, and how to write them seems to have overwhelmed me.
So instead of writing words, I have just been devouring words instead. In the last few weeks I have read at least 10 books. Three in the last 4 days. We had a 24 hour bug here yesterday, and I spent the day reading to the boys, then reading to myself.
I managed to read "The Host" in it's entirety, before falling asleep. I guess technically it was today before I finished, but not by much.
Now the question is, am I ready to write again, or do I just want to find another book and climb back into my comfortable little world, or even not so comfortable world, of fiction?
Even when fiction is dramatic, or thrilling, or horror, or "deep" and thought provoking, it is still fiction. You can pretend it isn't about you... even though sometimes it seems like it is, in almost an uncanny sort of way. Have some authors perhaps been stalking me, and writing about my life and deepest thoughts, and innermost questions?
Or perhaps more of the world just shares those questions then I thought....
Don't worry, I have the biggest questions all squared away. My Savior and I have had that heart to heart, and I know to whom my heart belongs. Without His saving grace, I would really be wallowing in some deep questions.
But heaven is still, hopefully, a long time away. I am here, on earth, and seeking my purpose, and my position. Where do I stand... and where am I headed?
Both of those are questions I have had thrown at me quite a bit lately.
Where do I stand? Really, on theological issues that seem unimportant, I don't like to make a fuss. Who cares if you were dunked or sprinkled? Does it matter if you sing hymns or praise music? Play piano or keyboard or electric guitar during worship?
I love the Apostle's Creed. It sums it all up so nicely.
Just remember that catholic is little c, not big. So, not specifically Roman Catholic, but catholic, as in the ancient, undivided, Christian church.
So, you know where I stand. What has bothered me lately is that I have felt strongly enough about what is normally a "little issue" to speak up. And it has not really gone over well. So where does that leave me? Am I supposed to leave the group of people I worship with? Am I suppose to ignore the fact that we disagree? I HATE confrontation. But I also hate to slink away like a wounded animal, making them think I don't believe strongly enough to stand by what I said.
ARGHH.... see what I mean?
So, where I stand has been questioned.
Where we are headed - well that seems to be the never ending question around here. Sometimes I just want to shrug my shoulders and give up even trying to figure out the next step. Perhaps that is what God is waiting for? But at the same time, if I just sit on my hind end doing nothing, well then I know for sure that nothing will ever happen. We have to do something to move our adoption and Andy's career forward. The question always remains, WHAT are we supposed to be doing? Which direction are we going, and how fast, and for how long?
And that, my friends, may be why I haven't been writing, and have been devouring words instead.
But I had to get some of it off my chest.
Do I feel better now? The remains to be seen...