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I am happily married to an amazing military man who spent 9 years enlisted and is now an Officer in the US Army. We have two amazing boys who are not so little any more! They still infuse every moment of every day with creativity and energy, and make my life an adventure.  I was educated at home, and am now teaching our children - second generation homeschoolers! I try every day to become more like Jesus Christ, and to love like HE does. If you want you can try and catch me at bethylovesandy@yahoo.com

My Blog Title Verse

"For the Lord gives wisdom. From His mouth come knowledge and understanding." Proverbs 2:6 NKJV 
The Message translation puts it this way "God gives out Wisdom free, is plainspoken in Knowledge and Understanding."

Verse of the day

Monday, July 26, 2010

Asking, rather then lying to myself

I was going to post all the pictures from this past weekend with the Grandparents. Share all the moments of levity and celebration.
 But the pictures won't load, and thus, the post is delayed.

 So, instead, I am going to talk about feelings.

 I really don't want to - I was avoiding this post. The reason is simple, really. While I am typing it I know that conviction will set in, and I will have to fully repent, rather then just brush it under the rug like I have been all day long. So I guess this will be my time of confession, shared with all of you, as well as my blog post tonight.

 Do you ever feel tired of being who you are? I know exactly who I am, what my role in the world is. I just wrote about it not long ago. Maybe that was why I felt so attacked today - like I couldn't keep up anymore. You see, my optimism, my ability to find the positive, to hope for the future - today it was running on empty.
 Zero.

 I wanted to be the person who says, "The end of the world is coming, and nothing positive will ever happen again, and you can't count on happiness." Today, I was even feeling that I couldn't count on God. I was just so frustrated, feeling that everything I have asked for, everything my heart has ached for in the last three years - His answer has been "no".
 We are waiting still for an answer for Andy's officer package. The date got pushed back, again, but now they are saying we should hear about his results sometime during the first week of August.
 I am afraid to hope. I am afraid to even ask for what we want. Because everything I have truly truly wanted, the answer has been "no".
 I wanted Anastasia.
 I wanted to be healed, rather then diagnosed.
 I wanted Gladdy. 
 I wanted Andy to get the first Officer package he applied for, way back before he left for the desert a year and a half ago.

 So this time, I decided not to ask. If you just pretend you don't want something, you risk less pain, right?

 Wrong. 

All you get is denial, and a good bit of guilt for lying to yourself, and to God - and let me tell you something. Neither you, nor God, believe the lies. Makes it pretty pointless!

 I am blessed beyond measure though. My husband came home from working a 13 hour shift, after 4 hours of sleep because of a mis-communication with the schedule maker. (he thought he was working swings, as usual, so stayed up late, then they called him at 7am and said, "why aren't you here") And even though he had every reason to be tired, and grumpy, and see all the negative things in life, he didn't.  He took the time, while scarfing down some food since he had only eaten a peanut butter and banana sandwich ALL DAY LONG, to encourage me.
 Man, was that a reality check.

 I have so much to celebrate. My boys are healthy, and strong, and growing in wisdom and love. My body, although not healed in the way I would like, has medicine that keeps me alive and able to do all the daily things I need. I have friends who love me, family that is beyond compare, and Andy who is willing to tell me to snap out of it, then kiss me and remind me that it will all be okay.
 And even when I forget, or doubt, or grumble and complain, I have my Savior.
 His ways may not be my ways. But truly, His way is beautiful and when I let him lead without fighting, it is a peaceful way.

My memory verse this week has been Romans 5:3-4
 "We can rejoice too, when we run into problems and trials for we know that they are good for us - they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady."

 Patience. Hope. Faith.  - Strong and Steady - That is the part I like. I will work toward that.

8 comments:

Carrie said...

"So this time, I decided not to ask. If you just pretend you don't want something, you risk less pain, right?"

I'm hearing you on that one!!! So sorry Bethany...but at least you have people and a way to bring you back to where you know you need to be. So many people wander around with no hope and no way of getting back to a stable place. Love you!

autumnesf said...

I'm so very good at throwing myself a fit when things drag on too long in my eyes! Thank goodness God wants us to bring all things too Him...including our temper tantrums. I wonder if that is why we are referred to as God's Children so much??? LOL!

Tricia said...

Praying for you, sweet friend. God loves you in the midst of moments like these, too. May He surround you with His love and grace today and encourage you beyond measure.

Anonymous said...

Love you...You've been teaching me your whole life. mom

Anonymous said...

Handel's Messiah just came up on your song list while I was reading this.... did you know that he wrote this in 3 weeks, while facing debtors prison and losing his sight? Joy can come out of sadness and loss.. because of Jesus! go have a "Halleluyah Chorus Cry"

EmileeHope said...

I am sorry you have been feeling a bit negative lately. We Binkley girls don't really know how to handle negative because we always live on the positive side of life!

No matter what is thrown our way, God has blessed us with the ability to truly see, and be surrounded by, the good that is in our lives...but even we can get enough at times to be pushed over the negative side!

I am glad that you were able to get the push you needed back over to the positive...it really is better there!! Being aware of the negative is OK, but dwelling in it isn't going to change anything, so you might as well appreciate the good things that are there for you right!?!

(I didn't know that about Handel, and I will most likely forget by tomorrow, but it is still very interesting!)

Aly said...

Bethany, I'll be praying for you! I know that sometimes we can get so frustrated with always being our same selves. Always feeling like we never change, and things ALWAYS stay the same, or never work out the way we had hoped they would!

I read in a book recently that everything is beautiful in it's time. When God does everything in His time- WOW!!

Romans 5:3-4 is one of my favorite verses! It's gotten me through so much, and it constantly reminds me that even though things don't work out the way we had hoped they would, we're left relying on God so much more, trusting God so much more, and at the end, we're left with so much more patience, a better character, and hope in Jesus Christ! Hope that WILL NEVER disappoint us! That always blows my mind!I'll be praying for you! :)

Karen said...

Thank you for sharing your feelings in this totally honest post...we all go through times like this...times of silence...and disappointments...but...unlike those with no hope...we have that Hope Eternal...so we KNOW we're gonna make it....