Asking, rather then lying to myself

I was going to post all the pictures from this past weekend with the Grandparents. Share all the moments of levity and celebration.
 But the pictures won't load, and thus, the post is delayed.

 So, instead, I am going to talk about feelings.

 I really don't want to - I was avoiding this post. The reason is simple, really. While I am typing it I know that conviction will set in, and I will have to fully repent, rather then just brush it under the rug like I have been all day long. So I guess this will be my time of confession, shared with all of you, as well as my blog post tonight.

 Do you ever feel tired of being who you are? I know exactly who I am, what my role in the world is. I just wrote about it not long ago. Maybe that was why I felt so attacked today - like I couldn't keep up anymore. You see, my optimism, my ability to find the positive, to hope for the future - today it was running on empty.
 Zero.

 I wanted to be the person who says, "The end of the world is coming, and nothing positive will ever happen again, and you can't count on happiness." Today, I was even feeling that I couldn't count on God. I was just so frustrated, feeling that everything I have asked for, everything my heart has ached for in the last three years - His answer has been "no".
 We are waiting still for an answer for Andy's officer package. The date got pushed back, again, but now they are saying we should hear about his results sometime during the first week of August.
 I am afraid to hope. I am afraid to even ask for what we want. Because everything I have truly truly wanted, the answer has been "no".
 I wanted Anastasia.
 I wanted to be healed, rather then diagnosed.
 I wanted Gladdy. 
 I wanted Andy to get the first Officer package he applied for, way back before he left for the desert a year and a half ago.

 So this time, I decided not to ask. If you just pretend you don't want something, you risk less pain, right?

 Wrong. 

All you get is denial, and a good bit of guilt for lying to yourself, and to God - and let me tell you something. Neither you, nor God, believe the lies. Makes it pretty pointless!

 I am blessed beyond measure though. My husband came home from working a 13 hour shift, after 4 hours of sleep because of a mis-communication with the schedule maker. (he thought he was working swings, as usual, so stayed up late, then they called him at 7am and said, "why aren't you here") And even though he had every reason to be tired, and grumpy, and see all the negative things in life, he didn't.  He took the time, while scarfing down some food since he had only eaten a peanut butter and banana sandwich ALL DAY LONG, to encourage me.
 Man, was that a reality check.

 I have so much to celebrate. My boys are healthy, and strong, and growing in wisdom and love. My body, although not healed in the way I would like, has medicine that keeps me alive and able to do all the daily things I need. I have friends who love me, family that is beyond compare, and Andy who is willing to tell me to snap out of it, then kiss me and remind me that it will all be okay.
 And even when I forget, or doubt, or grumble and complain, I have my Savior.
 His ways may not be my ways. But truly, His way is beautiful and when I let him lead without fighting, it is a peaceful way.

My memory verse this week has been Romans 5:3-4
 "We can rejoice too, when we run into problems and trials for we know that they are good for us - they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady."

 Patience. Hope. Faith.  - Strong and Steady - That is the part I like. I will work toward that.