My roller coaster life

 Today has been a good day. 

 Truly it has been. But it has been exhausting emotionally. I really am not good at this whole deployment thing. I like to pretend that I am. I actually function in the basics of daily life pretty well - after all, this is the fourth time, if you count Korea. But I NEED to talk to Andy. He is not just my husband. He is not just the daddy of my sons. He is not just my cooking partner, frog feeder (poor Mr. Pikman... but that is another story) heavy box lifter, high item reacher, bed warmer and foot rubbing king. He is my best friend. So all of those other things I can survive without. I can cook on my own, find a ladder to climb for items that are up high, and wear thicker pajamas to bed so that I can survive without his warmth. But I really really need to talk to him - that whole "best friend" thing. 

 When I go three whole days without a word, and when the conversations I had in the days before that had been short and stressful, well, I must admit that I am not my best self. I got a few minutes yesterday. He got to call from work. And I was grateful for that. But he was busy, and just had about 10 minutes to "check in", tell us he loved us, and get back to work. 

 He has been trying to get the internet to work in his room in his off time. He has already paid for it, and set it up, but it still wasn't working. If it would only work we would have Skype, which would at least let us IM, and possibly even let us talk. 

 So today when my phone rang when I was at the post office, even though it said "caller unknown", and I there was no voice on the other end, I KNEW it was him. The first time I told myself I was just being silly, but still, I hurried up what I was doing. The second time it happened, I started practically flying. I drove as fast as I could, came running into the house, crashing down the stairs and onto my computer, which luckily I had left on. The last thing he had typed on my IM message was, "love you... maybe try tomorrow" I nearly cried. But just in case, I wrote him back and.... HE WAS STILL THERE!!! 

 We got to chat for 16 minutes. I can type fast, so that was a lot of conversing. Then, just a few hours later he was able to call from work again (two days in a row!!) and this time he got to talk to Canaan. The last two nights in a row Canaan had asked when he was going to get to talk to Daddy. He really doesn't have much to say specifically - but he needs that assurance that Daddy is still available, still involved, still real. 

 Zion really doesn't do the phone. He barely speaks English anyway, so trying to add a phone into the mix, and one that really isn't very clear at that, makes it all the more difficult. I didn't even offer him the opportunity to talk to Andy this afternoon. But I wonder if perhaps I should have... case in point -  

 My Mom had to leave around 5 to work a special event at the Grande Theatre. When she left, Zion just started sobbing. His poor little heart was broken. I held him, and rocked him, and was giving him a little pep talk... "Everyone has to leave sometimes, but they always come back eventually" "They still love you and are thinking about you, even when they are gone" etc etc. After a while I remember that he is three. I realized that there was a huge case of transference going on! I am pretty sure I was giving myself the pep talk - he was just stuck there in my arms. Poor kid. Not only did his Noni leave him, and his Daddy leave him, but they left him with a Mommy who talks WAY too much!