But, Andy quoted good ol' Darryl, and dragged my butt to church. We are three minutes late, after dropping the kids in sunday school and nursery, and they have already started the BABY DEDICATION!!!! If we had been on time, I might have had time to get my emotions under control before it got started, but walking in on it already started.... I had no chance. So the entire first 30 minutes of church I just cried. Sniffled, then tears running down my face, then wipe them off, and try to pull myself together, only to start all over again. Sometimes, I really hate being a girl. Andy was TOTALLY unaffected. He truly didn't seem to know why I was crying to start with, then when I told him, he still had no understanding of why. He tried to help, by telling me how hard it would be if we had a 4 month old and we were dealing with whatever this sickness is too. Like that would help me feel better? I truly can't understand what he was thinking. Did he really think I had the ability to be relieved that my baby had died? I think he did... and I can't be mad at him for that. I guess his stress level is lower then it would be, if he was trying to support a third child. But I cannot feel anything resembling a happy thought, a positive spin, on NOT having my baby.
But, I am glad I went to church. Even when I am confused, and hurt, and annoyed, it is a good thing to be surrounded by my siblings. God is with me everywhere, so I don't have to go to church to be with HIM. But other Christians are a blessing.
I am not sure what kind of comments I am thinking will come from this. I didn't really write it for the comments, or input from others. I just had to vent. It never goes away. I already know that, just from my Mom losing her babies. Those three little siblings are still in my heart. But I thought I was in better control with my own little one... I guess not.
Thanks for listening.
6 comments:
(((((HUGS)))))
Love,
Naomi
Oh, I had a Sunday like that once. Of course, running late, no time to grab a bulletin, didn't even realize what weekend it was... Memorial Day. While he was deployed. There was big patriotic music, and men in uniforms, and the worst, video footage of soldiers in Iraq.
I think most men don't look at the pregnancy loss the same way as women - maybe because they never really get to bond with the baby until it's born, so it's easier for them to cope? I don't know, they're just wired different.
Guys are FROM MARS! Right?!
I totally agree with Carrie's comment above this! I am not bashing Andy in any way though ( I love you too Andy if you are reading this). I am so very sorry for you to have to go through all of this, and I didn't even realize about what Andy mentioned....that it would be hard for you if you had been going through this with a little baby. Your baby is safe in Heaven with the Lord! I am still praying for you! I love you. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. May the Lord bless you this week! Many hugs and love!
Bethy,
That was me that posted above. I am sorry. A friend was still logged in under her account on my computer. I thought I was logged in, but I guess not, lol.
Oh, honey.
You know what? Being in control really comes and goes. And that's okay. (((hugs))) I'm sorry for the hurt when Andy didn't "get it" - we've had those moments here, too. But then sometimes they surprise you - one night we were lying in bed talking and Chris sighed and said he was realizing that our first baby would have been turning 4 that month... and I nearly fell off the bed. I mean, I knew that, but I didn't realize he remembered the due date and thought about it from time to time. It was a very healing moment for me - to know that even though he feels it DIFFERENTLY (and doesn't cry during baby baptisms at our church), he does feel the loss of our 3 babies. So hang in there - you might have a revealing moment like that one day down the road.
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