But, Andy quoted good ol' Darryl, and dragged my butt to church. We are three minutes late, after dropping the kids in sunday school and nursery, and they have already started the BABY DEDICATION!!!! If we had been on time, I might have had time to get my emotions under control before it got started, but walking in on it already started.... I had no chance. So the entire first 30 minutes of church I just cried. Sniffled, then tears running down my face, then wipe them off, and try to pull myself together, only to start all over again. Sometimes, I really hate being a girl. Andy was TOTALLY unaffected. He truly didn't seem to know why I was crying to start with, then when I told him, he still had no understanding of why. He tried to help, by telling me how hard it would be if we had a 4 month old and we were dealing with whatever this sickness is too. Like that would help me feel better? I truly can't understand what he was thinking. Did he really think I had the ability to be relieved that my baby had died? I think he did... and I can't be mad at him for that. I guess his stress level is lower then it would be, if he was trying to support a third child. But I cannot feel anything resembling a happy thought, a positive spin, on NOT having my baby.
But, I am glad I went to church. Even when I am confused, and hurt, and annoyed, it is a good thing to be surrounded by my siblings. God is with me everywhere, so I don't have to go to church to be with HIM. But other Christians are a blessing.
I am not sure what kind of comments I am thinking will come from this. I didn't really write it for the comments, or input from others. I just had to vent. It never goes away. I already know that, just from my Mom losing her babies. Those three little siblings are still in my heart. But I thought I was in better control with my own little one... I guess not.
Thanks for listening.