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I am happily married to an amazing military man who spent 9 years enlisted and is now an Officer in the US Army. We have two amazing boys who are not so little any more! They still infuse every moment of every day with creativity and energy, and make my life an adventure.  I was educated at home, and am now teaching our children - second generation homeschoolers! I try every day to become more like Jesus Christ, and to love like HE does. If you want you can try and catch me at bethylovesandy@yahoo.com

My Blog Title Verse

"For the Lord gives wisdom. From His mouth come knowledge and understanding." Proverbs 2:6 NKJV 
The Message translation puts it this way "God gives out Wisdom free, is plainspoken in Knowledge and Understanding."

Verse of the day

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

You're going if I have to drag your butt to church....

I don't know if any of you listen to country music, but that line from the Darryl Worley song was quoted several times on Sunday at our house. Strangely enough, Andy was the one saying it to me. I guess what I had written a few days before, about accepted whatever God had for me, hadn't actually begun to work in my life yet. As I mentioned before, last week at church I went forward for pray. I was truly and honestly open to healing, but truly and honestly open also to a "no" from God. I just wanted to "no" to include a diagnosis, something I could Google, and learn more about, and have a plan of action for. I HATE the "Just wait" answer. 
 But, Andy quoted good ol' Darryl, and dragged my butt to church. We are three minutes late, after dropping the kids in sunday school and nursery, and they have already started the BABY DEDICATION!!!! If we had been on time, I might have had time to get my emotions under control before it got started, but walking in on it already started.... I had no chance. So the entire first 30 minutes of church I just cried. Sniffled, then tears running down my face, then wipe them off, and try to pull myself together, only to start all over again. Sometimes, I really hate being a girl. Andy was TOTALLY unaffected. He truly didn't seem to know why I was crying to start with, then when I told him, he still had no understanding of why. He tried to help, by telling me how hard it would be if we had a 4 month old and we were dealing with whatever this sickness is too. Like that would help me feel better? I truly can't understand what he was thinking. Did he really think I had the ability to be relieved that my baby had died? I think he did... and I can't be mad at him for that. I guess his stress level is lower then it would be, if he was trying to support a third child. But I cannot feel anything resembling a happy thought, a positive spin, on NOT having my baby. 
 But, I am glad I went to church. Even when I am confused, and hurt, and annoyed, it is a good thing to be surrounded by my siblings. God is with me everywhere, so I don't have to go to church to be with HIM. But other Christians are a blessing. 
 I am not sure what kind of comments I am thinking will come from this. I didn't really write it for the comments, or input from others. I just had to vent. It never goes away. I already know that, just from my Mom losing her babies. Those three little siblings are still in my heart. But I thought I was in better control with my own little one... I guess not.
 Thanks for listening.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

(((((HUGS)))))

Love,
Naomi

Kelly said...

Oh, I had a Sunday like that once. Of course, running late, no time to grab a bulletin, didn't even realize what weekend it was... Memorial Day. While he was deployed. There was big patriotic music, and men in uniforms, and the worst, video footage of soldiers in Iraq.

I think most men don't look at the pregnancy loss the same way as women - maybe because they never really get to bond with the baby until it's born, so it's easier for them to cope? I don't know, they're just wired different.

mom0ktdid said...

Guys are FROM MARS! Right?!

Stacy said...

I totally agree with Carrie's comment above this! I am not bashing Andy in any way though ( I love you too Andy if you are reading this). I am so very sorry for you to have to go through all of this, and I didn't even realize about what Andy mentioned....that it would be hard for you if you had been going through this with a little baby. Your baby is safe in Heaven with the Lord! I am still praying for you! I love you. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. May the Lord bless you this week! Many hugs and love!

The Duke Family said...

Bethy,
That was me that posted above. I am sorry. A friend was still logged in under her account on my computer. I thought I was logged in, but I guess not, lol.

Michelle Maxwell Nebel said...

Oh, honey.

You know what? Being in control really comes and goes. And that's okay. (((hugs))) I'm sorry for the hurt when Andy didn't "get it" - we've had those moments here, too. But then sometimes they surprise you - one night we were lying in bed talking and Chris sighed and said he was realizing that our first baby would have been turning 4 that month... and I nearly fell off the bed. I mean, I knew that, but I didn't realize he remembered the due date and thought about it from time to time. It was a very healing moment for me - to know that even though he feels it DIFFERENTLY (and doesn't cry during baby baptisms at our church), he does feel the loss of our 3 babies. So hang in there - you might have a revealing moment like that one day down the road.