Joy in sorrow

 Sometimes I must admit that I have no idea what God is doing. Okay, let me say that differently. Often, I have no idea what God is doing. But, that isn't my job, is it? What is my job, you may ask? To quite literally and in all ways trust, wait, and listen, knowing that HE knows what He is doing.

 The last 18 hours have been slightly emotional for me. I guess I should rephrase that too. The last two weeks have been very emotional for me. The last 15 hours have just been in addition to what already was. Late last night, after everyone I love was already in bed asleep, and there was no one to call, no one to express myself to, I found out that another family was most likely going to adopt Gifty. Now, in all actuality, that is FABULOUS news. We have hit roadblock after roadblock in the last few days, so I should have known that God was trying to give me advance warning. But IT STILL HURT. Because I have already fallen in love with that precious child. Sadly, the people whom I love the most cannot understand that. They are fabulous, wonderful people, who love me, and support ME. But they did not yet love HER. So they simply say, be happy for her Bethany. And I am trying to be. This other family already has their paperwork in order. They live close to a transplant center. God obviously had them picked out already. Perhaps Gifty was just the catalyst to get us moving. The trigger to make us move toward adoption. We have always said someday, and Gifty just made today turn into our "someday". 

 So truly, I am so happy for her, and the family that will be making her their own. Only my own selfishness is left. Because that tiny little girl grabbed my heart. Now she gets to keep a piece of it. 

 You know what... I gladly give it to her. 

 Now I am at a place of questioning. I will continue to do the homestudy paperwork. There are forms to fill out, and things to copy, and fingerprints to send in for background searches. But what then? Now I need to pick a country, and wait for a child. I am not capable of that. I can't pick a child. I want them all. Every single one. 

 I am back at the  same place I started. Knowing that my job is "To quite literally and in all ways trust, wait, and listen, knowing that HE knows what He is doing." I'm listening.