An even more joyful birthday celebration

Merry Christmas (eve) my friends! 

As you eat delicious food and spend time with people that you love remember the reason that we do this.

Celebrate the birth of our Savior with Joy!

 

I will pray for the blessing of Joy to pour over you and out of you. 

Remember that you are loved, by me and even more so by our Savior!

 

A birthday celebration (a few days late)

 My baby is 15 now. 

  Old enough to get his drivers permit in a few days. Old enough to be almost as tall as his dad and have a voice that is almost as deep as his dad’s. He has been taller than I am for several years now. Both my young men have been protective of me always, but my younger one, my Zion, has had a lot of responsibility for me now that his older brother has a job and college classes. He follows through. I want you, anyone reading this, to know how amazing he has been. My children have matured early, with a diabetic, epileptic mother, and they have done a wonderful job. 

 The greatest early Christmas present I ever received!

There are some adorable blogs about him in the years that I was writing often. 

2007, 2 days before his 2nd birthday and barely surviving. 

2008, I wasn’t very good at arranging a blog yet, but Zion was adorable. 

2009, some pictures.

2011, the story linked to in the center of this one still makes me cry every time. 

 He protests against pictures most of the time right now, and took time to deliberately avoid the camera for gift time, but this gift was a surprise and that threw him off enough for me to get a picture of him actually smiling. :) 

Re-using those candles from some other birthday cakes. Poor kid- this mom never wastes and never throws away something that could be used again, lol. 

See what I mean about trying not to smile? 

But... 

I can get him to laugh!

 Take time to celebrate my friends. Remember that. Time flies and before you know it your baby is ready to drive!

If we do not grow weary...

This first verse expresses my greatest desire. It sums up what I hope to be.

I want to be that tree. 

 Branches that reach out and bring shade and protection to others, while producing fruit quietly in the background. Waiting, patiently, with strength.

 I'm not there yet though. I mean, some days I can offer some shade, I hope. Some days I am capable of producing a little fruit, maybe. But I am not the tree that I want to be. 

 I think the main thing I keep having introduced to me over and over is that we are all, every single one of us, less than perfect. 

  Stop and absorb that for a moment please. 

  I am not perfect. 

  You are not perfect either. 

  The people we know and respect and love, well, they are not perfect either.

 

 Sometimes we forget that. Sometimes we ask more of people, and think more of people, and expect more of people than they are capable of being. Then my friend, like every other human for all time, those people we know and respect and love, well, they live their humanness. They mess up. They are less than perfect. Just like us.

 I have had more than a few stories come to my attention over the last year that break my heart. I wish I didn't know them. I wish they never happened. But they did happen. People messed up. Sin was lived out and left it's damage behind.

 Now we, the humans living in the middle of it all, have to figure out what comes next.

 I think I might feel like Elijah did when the brook dried up. I am sometimes afraid that the bad is bigger than the good. I am sometimes afraid that the evil is winning.

This next verse though, oh this next verse!

We are not left beside the brook that has dried up. We are not left in the desert to die. We are promised fresh rain. HIS Words fall like rain, giving us the renewal we need, if we will just seek them. Sometimes they aren’t as clear as we would like, but they are always there. Gentle showers on young plants. 

 Which leads me to this...

 We might feel, some days, that we are growing weary. 

 Don't let that feeling win. 

  Please my friends, keep being the voice of love. Keep being the hands that offer help. Keep being the heart that offers forgiveness, even if the relationship has to change and perhaps the human trust can not be earned again.

 Do not “lose heart in doing good." That is harder than it sounds sometimes, but please, keep trying. 

 I am heavy as I write this, which is why it has been so long since I wrote, but the truth doesn't change. We fail. Every single human one of us. 

 So, every single day get up and try again. Ask Jesus for forgiveness and help. Ask the people you fill your life with for forgiveness and help. Then, tomorrow do it again. 

 Join me in continuing to try, every morning, to make that first verse real.

 Let us "bring forth our fruit", our hope, our joy, in "due season."

 Be blessed my friends, and please, remember to see those blessings. Choose to see the blessings!

Keep running...

 “Keep on keeping on,” as the old saying goes.

 Or, as The Word says, “run with endurance.”

 I planned for my “next post” to be about my sister Kelsey and her family as they move to Kenya. It was suppose to be written days ago and shared in their time of travel. 

 I failed. Instead I had two seizures and was tired and discouraged, and for a few days focused only on myself and my failing body. 

 I think that perhaps that is the point of this blog though. A reminder that, unlike the falsehoods of Facebook and Instagram and all the other quick posts of success we share online, we are all imperfect. 

 Did you hear that my friends? We are all imperfect. Every single one of us. 

 We are called to “run with endurance” but that doesn’t mean we won’t be covered in ugly sweat, or twist our ankle and limp for a while, or fall and skin our knees along the way. Run with endurance doesn’t mean run with perfection. It just means keep getting up and trying again. 

 I saw this George Matheson quote this morning. 

https://quotefancy.com/george-matheson-quotes

 His story is worth reading, even if you only skim the Wikipedia short story. He became blind in his 20’s, at a time in history when blindness kept you from accomplishing anything. Yet, he didn’t let that stop him from sharing love and shining Joy. He wrote books and songs. He was a full time pastor. He held on to passion for Jesus and fullness of life. 

 He held on. 

 That quote calls out to me. I want to, like him, be a rainbow in my cloud. I don’t want to simply have hope for the rainbow, which in itself is beautiful. I want to BE the rainbow for others as they wait. 

 So that is my challenge to you. As you run with endurance, sometimes covered in sweat and limping, remember that you can still be the rainbow for someone else. 

 Be the rainbow, the light and the beauty in the cloud filled rainstorm. 

 I still write this to ask that you pray for my sister and her family. You can read more of their story here. 

 Even more though, I write to encourage you to keep running with endurance. Don’t give up. Sometimes we will limp. Sometimes we will fall. Sometimes we will, perhaps, take the wrong path and have to go back and start afresh. But don’t stop trying to hear our Jesus and go where HE leads you. 

 Be blessed my friends, one small step at a time. Please, take a deep breath, brush yourself off and BE the rainbow shining through the rain.

What do you see?

 I have been quiet again. God asked me to trust Him and sometimes that happens best when I am just quiet. But to give an example of how I have been feeling... I literally cried on my physical therapist last week, about things having nothing to do with physical therapy. 

 As always, my Savior sent me back to The Word and reminded me that HE has filled it with everything I need. 

 Oh, that simple truth. Trust. The next part of that scripture in the NKJV, how I learned it as a child, says “and lean not on your own understanding.” 

 What is my understanding? What do I truly know? When I take a moment to be still and consider that question I am reminded of truth. My understanding belongs only to me. It isn’t the same as Andy’s or Canaan’s or Zion’s. It doesn’t match that of my mother or my sisters or my best friends. The people that I love the most and that I trust to love me still don’t have the same “understanding” as I do. They don’t see from the same angle and don’t have the same set of memories to match it all to. 

 They don’t understand me, not really. 

 I don’t understand me, not really.

 My opinions have changed over time. My experiences have taught me different things as I have lived them. The only truth I truly have, the unchanging and constant truth, is my Jesus. 

 And this sounds political. Interesting that HE has me posting it the day after election while we wait for the counts to come through, since that isn’t the point of this at all. This is medical, as usual. 

 My truth, as always, is that our bodies are temporary. We live. We die. We leave behind what we have done or not done, and the love we have shared or not shared. 

 It has been a rough few weeks. First; Zion is fine, but some blood work gave us a scare and called for more blood work. Stress for a mommy. 

 Andy’s time in airborne decided to show itself and cause some pain. Once again, back to the doc. 

 I am recovering really well from brain surgery, but memory is being problematic. I am training myself to just write everything down. No trusting the brain to remind me- that is what “notes” on the iPhone was invented for, right? 

 But God decided to make sure I truly meant it when I declared Joy above fear and trust in all things. The “C” word made an appearance. 

 I had a mole on my forearm that had changed shape, size and color, so Andy, amazing, wonderful, bossy man that he is, insisted that I get it looked at. Family doc removed a sample, like the 10 or so others through the years and I expected to be done with the whole thing, but no, this one had to be difficult and have cancer show up in it. 

 So, they cut out the whole thing, plus quite a bit more. I really should have educated myself more because this is going to be a much bigger scar than I expected! 

 Short warning- picture of “surgery” to follow. 

Surgery day

They cut out an entire diamond shape around the mole, then stitch it into a straight line. Some of this skin if far away from where it started! 

What I come back to, over and over, is the promise of this verse. This IS the day that the Lord has made.

 It is. 

 Whether we choose to see it that way, or not, is up to us. Whether we choose to rejoice in it, or not, is up to us. Whether we choose to live life fully, or simply survive, is up to us. 

“In some way or another we will have to learn the difference between trusting in the gift and trusting in the Giver. The gift may be good for a while, but the Giver is the eternal love.” F.B.Meyer

 So, my friends, keep choosing what you trust, and how you live that trust. 

 Show Love. 

 Shine Joy.

 Keep Hope. 

 Make your Faith visible. 

 Let Truth, the kind that cannot be hidden and will not be silenced, lead you. 

 Remember that you are blessed, every single step of the way. Even the hard steps. 

Patiently

I have so many words in mind, so many ready to overflow, but...

I have not been given the freedom to release them. 

For some reason God is keeping my words in smaller places. 

Trust me, I still speak, and write, and comment and do my best to let His words flow through my fingers and off my tongue any place I am given permission. But for some reason, the permission to write here isn’t released right now. 

So, “wait patiently“ is all I have to share. 

But I do add the verse below...

  Be ready. When the time comes to say what you believe, and why you believe it, be ready. 

 In the meantime my friends, please, live what you believe out loud. 

Shine your passions. 

Share the truth of the Joy of Jesus. 

Know that I am praying for His Love and Joy to pour out of you day by day. 

It, every moment, is a choice. Choose wisely. 

Being a neighbor

 Almost always during “this season” every four years I want to just hide from the world. Almost always Jesus does not allow me to just hide. You can read what HE had me say in 2008 and 2008, 2012, and 2017, after things “calmed down” haha. 

 So, here goes...

This post is a reminder of the most important commandment. “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 

 Love them. 

 It doesn’t say change your mind and agree with them, so I am not asking for that. 

 It doesn’t say to let them tell you what to do, or think, or believe. I am not asking for that either. 

 It doesn’t even say that you have to like them, not in the way modern America defines like (which seems to be “agree with”?). 

 But it clearly states, no, it commands, that we should LOVE our neighbors. 

 Google the Ancient Greek loves - the beautiful, multiple versions of love. Run them around in your head and ask yourself in honesty, especially as a Christian but even those of you who perhaps read this and are not a follower of Jesus, simply as a human- “Do I have love for my neighbors?”

 Then my friends, move to this next verse, please. 

 “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:8‬ ‭NLT‬‬

 Think about “such things”, as the NIV calls them. Why do we have to learn that over and over? 

 Seek them. 

 Find them. 

 Choose them. 

 Even in the middle of an election year, with a pandemic running crazy! 

 That is my challenge to you. Please my friends, love your neighbor. The one directly next door and the one two streets over and the one two states over. Love your neighbor. Then focus on the excellent and praiseworthy. Choose the pure and lovely. Find the admirable and noble. Live the true and the right in visible ways. 

 

 Speak kind words. Share kind actions. Live love out loud, EVEN IF it isn’t being lived back at you. 

 

 I will never stop sending this challenge my friends. 

 Please, please, keep trying to live with JOY.

 Be blessed my friends with the strength and passion to go and live love out loud! 

Choices, every moment

 I finished reading Pollyanna today. I started it before surgery and didn’t have time to finish and it has hung heavy on my heart, that need to finish it. I have read it before, as well as seen the old Disney film multiple times, but I knew that I NEEDED to finish the book again. 

 I am so very glad that I listened to that prompting of the Spirit. 

 Once again, as I did weeks ago, I want to suggest to everyone, please, read that book. 

 Please, take a few moments to be reminded to find Joy, to seek the good when sometimes the bad is easier to see, to let go of the ugly and hang on to the beautiful, BY CHOICE. 

 Here is a simple truth. I want to be her. I want to consciously, daily, on purpose, be Pollyanna. Because Pollyanna is making the choice to find the good and the beautiful and the positive around her and to BY CHOICE place the ugly in the hands of her Savior. And she is making the world better as she does it. 

The game...played by choice, every day in every situation. 

An idea introduced by her missionary father, who had already buried his wife and other children, reminding them to seek the good and to find the positive. 

 I have been informed by my older teen that in parts of modern culture to be “a Pollyanna“ is considered a negative and to be called a Pollyanna is considered a slight. That made me cry, again. To know that we live in a world that considers it wrong to seek the good. However, I spent some time mulling that over and I realized that someone who has no Joy would have a hard time appreciating someone else’s. Someone who has not shared Joy would perhaps feel bad about someone who shares it without caution. Someone who only sees the bad would be frightened by the ability to seek the good. 

 I cried, again, in a moment of sorrow for those who are so lacking in Joy that the Joy of someone else frightens them. 

 Then I was reminded that sharing with those who do not understand is the whole point.

 The whole point.  

 

“The point is this: The person who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and the person who sows generously will also reap generously. Each person should do as he has decided in his heart — not reluctantly or out of compulsion, since God loves a cheerful giver.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭9:6-7‬ ‭CSB‬‬

 So, please, join me in Joy. Sow generously and BE a Pollyanna with me. Choose the hope, share the good, pour out the joy overflowing to others and making the world better. Stop and find something to celebrate. It will not make the bad magically disappear. It will not make the negative cease to happen. I am sorry to say that the world has bad and it will continue. Like Pollyanna, there will be moments when the Joy is hard to find and you and I forget for a moment how to see it. But don’t let those moments win! 

 

 Be blessed my amazing wonderful friends as you choose Joy in as many moments as possible. Keep getting up and doing it again! 

Progress

 One moment at a time. 

 That is how you heal. 

 More importantly, that is how you live... one moment at a time. We want to plan more, see more, experience more -  But the simple truth is that we live one moment at a time. Having them drill a hole in your skull and burn a portion of your brain resets things a little and reminds you to appreciate that simple truth. 

 My body is struggling a little still. The swelling is problematic at moments. Some seizures are still occurring with the pressure on strange new places. My diabetes is having some confusion in the middle of it all. My brain in general is having some confusion some moments. 

But I will say here the same thing I said on the day of surgery- I am so very confident in what I believe. I am very comfortable that who I am, a follower of Jesus who wants to share His love and live His truth, has not changed. 

 That my friends is enough for me. 

 The brain swelling goes down every day. The part they zapped is being reabsorbed and the rest of my brain is adjusting and figuring out the new patterns. 

 While it figures it out I make the choice, moment by moment, for Joy. 

 Join me! Be blessed my friends, one joy filled step at a time. 

Choosing Joy

 I am moving very slowly and have had several seizures today so remain tired and confused, but the swelling on my brain is not drastic so I am going home! 

 

I am a swollen mess, but nothing is too horrible. 

 I still appreciate your prayers! 

 Keep your joy my friends. Hold onto it with both hands! 

 Be blessed!

Brain surgery :)

 I am ready. 

 It is pouring down rain and pitch dark out, but I am ready. 

 We were here 20 min early, of course. I am married to a military man. We are never late. 20 min early is almost late :) 

Check in is at 5. I officially start at 7. Andy will send out some text messages and several people will post things to FB, if you care for an update. 

I am ready. Pollyanna has returned! 

 Be blessed my friends. Celebrate every moment. Make that choice! 

Simple truth

 So, the simple truth is, I need you my friends. 

 I am trying to be tough. I am trying to be brave. But I need more prayers, please. 

 To sum myself up...I spoke to my mom this morning who quoted her dad at me- “Bethany, that is stinkin’ thinkin’.” 

 I am dwelling on failure. What if this surgery doesn’t work? What if I still have seizures? What if, what if, what if....

 Just a few days ago I was dwelling on failure of the past, and the things I have not accomplished. I have cried about a LOT in the last week and tortured the males of this household immensely. 

 Now, now we are in the final countdown and I need you my friends. 

 Tomorrow is pre-op, the COVID test, last chat with the surgeon. The day that everything got cancelled last time. I might be more stressed about that than the surgery itself. 

 Friday is surgery. 

 Today, after first devouring the Word of God and being reminded of this beautiful verse in Jeremiah, I decided I needed to spend some more time focused on the positive. So I am reading Pollyanna. Her focus on joy, on finding the good, is such a beautiful reminder. Her ability to change the world, to share that joy, is my life goal. Her moment of almost giving up, of almost losing sight of the good, well, I might be struggling there with her right now...but she is reminded again, and I know I can find it too. 

 So, please my friends, join me. Seek the joy. Find the good. Be blessed, every moment of the journey. And if you have never read Pollyanna, perhaps take a short break from the craziness of your life and let her joy in the middle of hard times encourage you. 

Sorrow, yet...

 I can’t say with confidence when the first time I read Streams in the Desert was. I first wrote about it here, my blog, in 2008 and I don’t think that was my first time reading through. The collection of words that brought hope and comfort, gathered through a time of pain and confusion and later compiled into a book has spoken to me over and over. 

 This time as I read through I have been removing the tiny scraps of post-it notes left from previous journeys and finally christening the paper copy with a highlighter and pen, marking it with color and passion and even some of my own words. 

 It seems appropriate that the reading this morning was a beautiful story summarizing 2 Cor 6:10, “sorrowful, yet always rejoicing.”

 I did a very interesting combination of sobbing and laughing yesterday; sorrow and rejoicing. 

 Habit says that while on the tread climber I watch tv- I use to try to read a book...but it is hard to read, even on an iPad, while walking at a speed decent enough to count as exercise. Yesterday I pulled out a cardboard box we had removed from mom's new place and decided to explore the options given in old VHS and 8MM. I wasn't inclined at the moment to watch my younger sister's dance recitals or stage performances. Andy's graduation from basic training? No, thank you anyway. Canaan's ultrasound was tempting, but that wouldn't have been long enough to exercise to. Then, I found our wedding rehearsal. 

 That was worth watching. 

 Emilee, a few weeks shy of 20, was already practicing her future job as a wedding coordinator, having opinions. Kelsey and Mary Faith, only 15 and 13 made me laugh with their silly antics and faces, and yet also cry, realizing that my children are already older than my youngest siblings were when I got married. Mom was just so beautiful, so excited, so hope filled. Since I am just a few short years away from the age she was then, I love seeing the passion flowing out of her, having that to live up to in my 40's. 

 Two of the women I call my best friends now were not as well known yet then, and I texted both of them, laughing about the things that have changed. 

 Several people who were highly involved and deeply loved have drifted away, not through anything purposeful, just the passage of time and changing locations. I mourned that. 

 Both of the men who performed my wedding are gone. Frank Kaleb died years ago, but seeing that video made me miss him yet again. Mostly though, when Daddy pulled his wedding rehearsal joke and tried to quote the Princess Bride line, well, I simply sobbed. He was horrible at it. Comedy wasn't his strength. Somehow though, that made it funnier, his attempt to be funny. I had to laugh too, even while I sobbed.

 And that circles me back around to "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing."

 That is the choice my friends. 

 It is the CHOICE every single moment. 

“You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!” Psalm‬ ‭30:11-12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

 

 Sorrowful, yet ALWAYS rejoicing. 

 Both, at the same time, and accepting of that. We don't have to understand it. It doesn't have to "make sense" logically. 

 But we have to choose to accept it. 

 Laugh and cry. Mourn and dance. 

 I finished the day by finding and watching the video of the wedding itself, after watching the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner,  and silliness of the pre-ceremony. My three men didn't care for the emotions, weren't impressed with the beauty of ceremony, and didn't want to share the passion with me. 

 But they enthusiastically shared their day's events with me, both the good and the bad, and reminded me to live right now. Rejoicing. Sorrow. Right now. 

 Be blessed my friends, making the choice to see the rejoicing available in the sorrow. 

With Thanksgiving

 I commented to Andy this morning that I hadn’t blogged in a while, that I hadn’t felt that I had anything important to say. His reply was that perhaps it didn’t need to be important, simply real. 

 Perhaps simple? 

 So, here is a simple truth. There are lots of prayers: Painful, heavy, fearful, burdensome prayers. I will not make light of them. I will not ask you to pretend that they are not heavy. But...

 With Thanksgiving

 is the part that stands out. 

 Those burdens will always be there.

 I have a choice though where I place my focus. 

 When I start the day with the things I am thankful for, start each prayer with the things I am thankful for, then, again, end each prayer and each day with the things I am thankful for....well, those burdens that I have handed to HIM in the middle are somehow easier. 

 My attitude is my choice. Mine, and mine alone. So, I will start and end with thanksgiving. 

 Join me? 

 Morning after morning. 

 Evening after evening.

 The middle of the day too. 

 Be blessed my friends, with an attitude of thanksgiving, overflowing with reminders of the good. 

Keep swimming

 Tomorrow came with success.
 We received a rescheduling date. August 28th is the next try for LITT surgery. Exactly four weeks after the cancelled event.

 What I want to talk about for a couple lines though is those first few minutes after the cancellation. I want to be “real” with you. The battle for Joy is hard and I don’t want anyone to think those muscles I spoke about on Thursday don’t get sore some days.

 This has been a rough month, as far as seizures go. I am on a lot of meds again and they are still not working effectively. Seizures are, once again, fairly often.
 I shouldn’t complain. I rarely have Grande Mal’s. I rarely lose bladder control. I rarely throw up. I usually just return to the “real world” in need of a blanket and a nap. We are blessed enough financially that those things are available to me.
 But surgery was a beautiful island of hope. Hope that I could be closer to the “me” that I was before seizures began. Able to drive. Able to go out in public without quite as much preplanning. I will always have diabetes. The insulin pump will always come with me. A snack in case of an emergency low blood sugar. A vial of insulin in case the pump has an error.
 My life will never be “average”... but that island of hope, that seizures could be contained and controlled was almost within reach.
 Then suddenly, Thursday morning, it was yanked out of reach and that morning, when the next date was not yet given, that island seemed farther away then I was capable of seeing, farther away than I was capable of swimming.
 I thought for a few seconds that I might drown before I remembered how to swim.

 So, thank you everyone who was praying for me. Even though your prayers were for my surgery to go well, God reminded me that He hears those prayers and surrounds me with His love in the RIGHT way, in the way that I need to be surrounded.

 I remembered how to swim. I opened my eyes again and could see that island of hope way off in the distance. At that exact moment I still wasn’t sure if I could make it that far, but at least I could see it, and I had remembered how to swim, and that was enough.

 60 hours later life is calmer.
 Obviously, the reminder that it is better for the machine to break before I am in the middle of surgery was a beautiful truth. I had multiple prayer warriors confirm that actual prayer was spoken over me, and I have no doubt that Jesus is guiding the steps that I am taking.
 The next date is scheduled.
 The details of in-laws coming to be with the boys, Andy being off work, and even exact times for COVID test and pre-op appointments are all set, already.

 But I had a seizure today and am tired and discouraged.
 So the prayer given in the Psalms, “Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck,” was a perfect verse to have as a reminder today. My Savior is faithful to do that- to send the verse I need at the moment I need it without me even looking for it.

 Listen. He is always speaking. You will hear Him if you take the time to be still.

Be blessed my friends. One moment at a time. Just keep swimming.

The Joy of the Lord

When I was first reminded of this verse, early this morning, it seemed so very fitting for today’s events- covid testing, final meeting with the surgeon, pre-op appointments. How comforting. 

 Then, today has not gone as I wished, and I have been so very glad of that reminder... my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. 

 Right this minute, as we drive away from Birmingham, I don’t actually know when I am going to have my surgery. The MRI that guides the drill as it goes into my brain is not working and the MRI is very needed. So, it is all put on hold “for now”. There will hopefully be more details tomorrow, but I didn’t have any of the pre-op appointments today, so the surgery definitely will not be tomorrow. The best guess given when they called to break my heart this morning was “sometime in the next month.” 

 We had literally just pulled into the parking deck of the hospital, 45 min early for the covid test, when they called. I cried. Andy might have said a curse word. We pulled back out of the deck, drove about five minutes down the road and realized that we needed to stop and be still. So we stopped and prayed, together, and were still, together, and shared pain and hurt and anger, together. 

 And we texted our family- and let me tell you, they are amazing. Both the blood ones and the practically blood ones. The people who I know love me enough to hear what I need them to hear in a moment like that- well, that is what makes family. Andy texted two men. I texted seven women. They all spoke beautiful truth and comfort but I think my Mother-in-law summed it up the best. “Better for it to break now, than while you are in surgery.” 

 That reminder was the truth I needed to hear. God sees the bigger picture. He sees more than I do. And if I am going to say that I trust Him, I better mean it. So, I do. 

 I say “I trust Him” and I mean it. 

That verse in Nehemiah, “The Joy of the Lord is my strength”, is one of my favorites. Strength is built up, one muscle at a time through exercise. You lift more and more through practice. Joy has been the same- practicing joy in hard times, choosing to exercise that muscle has made it stronger and stronger. Today was hard, but I am building that muscle, letting that Joy be my strength! What a beautiful promise! 

 We have no idea what tomorrow brings. Perhaps the machine will be fixed and rescheduling will be easy. Perhaps it will be weeks until I know more. Perhaps I will never have this surgery and living while proclaiming joy as my strength is my focus right now. 

 I have no idea what tomorrow brings...and that is okay. 

 Remember that my friends. 

 Be blessed, one moment at a time, as you face that moment with Joy! 

Holding on with both hands

“Put your heart and soul into every activity you do, as though you are doing it for the Lord himself and not merely for others.”

‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:23‬ ‭TPT‬‬

 My activities recently have been “boring”. Work in the garden. Do the dishes and laundry. Try to get rid of things and organize the things I can’t let go of. 

 Paint and paint and paint. 

 Our house isn’t that old, but the interior paint is beginning to show it’s age. We have, step by step, room by room, primed and painted almost the whole house in the three years we have lived here. The ceilings are complicated but not horrific. The walls are easy. Corners between doors are probably then hardest part, but we have created beautiful teamwork as a family to accomplish them. Truly, they aren’t that horrible.
 But I DESPISE painting. Or, if you asked me a few weeks ago, that is what I would have told you.
 The OCD part of my personality struggles with the details that cannot be perfect, because perfection does not exist. The eco friendly passion within me struggles with the fear of damaging the earth.
 That photo, of paint rollers lined up neatly next to the primer in the middle of the job, shows some personality traits of multiple people in this home.

Yet, the scripture verse insisted that I pay attention to it.
 “Whatever you do”...

 What about what I am doing next?
 I am suppose to go into brain surgery “working for the Lord”. This next section of my life, that I have very little control of, well, I have control over how I go into it.

 My epilepsy had been problematic this last 4-6 weeks. The extra meds aren’t being enough, again. I had three seizures on Tuesday. I now occasionally have seizures I don’t recognize, and don’t have aura’s to warn me about...but Andy or the boys “discover” me confused and shivering afterwards with no remembrance of what happened. We don’t know how many of those I have had... just how many have been noticed.

 So, as frightening as brain surgery is, it also sounds promising.

 “...For the Lord”.

Or if you prefer...

“She girds herself with strength And makes her arms strong.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭31:17‬ ‭NASB‬‬

 Both wrapping yourself and girding yourself require the strength to already be there, to be provided to you. I am not claiming it as my own, merely reaching out and holding on with both hands.

 I have learned to appreciate painting the house. I have discovered how to enjoy laundry and dishes and daily chores. I am choosing to approach brain surgery with the full passion of hope, doing all things with my attitude focused on Him.

 Join me?
 One week left.

The story continues...

Remember the new growth springing up from the ashes in the back yard? 

 Look how much it has grown! 

The green growth is still reaching toward the sky with praise filled arms. 

The beautiful red has declared it’s purpose and shown it’s glory. 

(And tasted delicious) 😋 

The story continues. 

Remember the broken branch? 

It looks sad at first glance. 

The tomatoes near by have been harvested. 

Many leaves have accomplished their purpose, turned brown and volunteered for their time of rest.  

But wait....

That new growth is from it!

New life, new green, new tomatoes- farther away, but still part of the broken branch.

Still part of the healing branch. 

The story continues. 

“Though the fig tree may not blossom, Nor fruit be on the vines; Though the labor of the olive may fail, And the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, And there be no herd in the stalls— Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.”

‭‭Habakkuk‬ ‭3:17-18‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Even when the vine has no fruit... 

or so little that it is hard to see.

“Be cheerful with joyous celebration in every season of life. Let joy overflow, for you are united with the Anointed One!”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:4‬ ‭TPT‬‬

There is lots of yuck in the world around us. 

Sickness. Anger. Separation. Hurt. 

Lots of yuck. 

But, there is rejoicing called for in every season. 

It is a choice. 

Find the good. 

Look farther.

There IS still a tomato on the broken branch.

There IS new growth coming from the ashes. 

There is healing happening. 

Keep looking. 

Keep rejoicing, even when the celebration worthy events are harder to see. 

You ARE blessed my friends. Choose to see it. 

The story continues!

July 31

 I have struggled, a lot, the last few months with my failing body. You would think that 30 years of  “sickness” would make you a pro, but there is always more to learn about letting God lead. About doing more than just survive. Some days you just survive, and that is enough to celebrate, but you want more. You want to be joyful and strong and an example...and some days you are not. 
 Some days you simply survive. 
 I have declared that more than once because it is a truth, and it is allowed, but don’t stop there. Don’t be content there. 

“The grass withers, the flower fades, But the word of our God stands forever.” Isaiah‬ ‭40:7-8‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

I keep coming back to the word “but” in this verse. There are so many things in life that come and go, change and fluctuate, grow and fade. However, always we can count on that last line. “But the word of our God stands forever.” Perhaps our understanding changes as we age and grow. Perhaps how it applies to our life changes-which verses stand out or call out to us. But The Word remains the same.

 Sometimes it is okay to mourn those faded flowers and that withered grass. It is okay to be confused by the waiting- or the perhaps the opposite- things moving faster than you can understand.
 Just don’t forget to stop and rejoice in that strong, powerful, forever standing Word, leading you.

 That promise leads me to this verse...

“Their proper time.” Luke 1:20
 This verse is actually the angel Gabriel speaking to Zacharias about the birth of John (the Baptist), his son. Zacharias was confused, and overwhelmed, and doubted the words. Oh, how I can relate to him!
 This watermelon seemed to fit perfectly. Last years watermelon “crop” was a total failure. Several reasons, really, but one contributing factor was failure to wait long enough.
 How do you tell when a watermelon is ripe? It is green from the beginning. Different breeds are different sizes, so there is no definitive “proper” size. Supposedly it makes a different sound when you knock on it when it is ripe...
 Basically, when you don’t know what you are doing (like me), you just guess.

 I think that sometimes, that is life. We, our human selves, don’t actually know anything. We have to just sit back and wait. If we aren’t letting someone who actually knows what they are doing lead us, we will have to simply guess.

 So, we are required to just trust.

 My next day of trust is July 31.
 It is called the Neuroblate procedure.
 Obviously, I have to trust some doctors too. And I do. But mostly I trust my Savior. His timing. His will. His plans for my future and the future of my family.

 Oh, how I would love to have your prayers. Brain surgery is never not scary. I refuse to let fear overwhelm, but I can’t make it disappear altogether. Please, lift me up to our Savior.


 Be blessed my friends as you wait, whatever it is you are waiting for. Have faith my friends that the “proper time” will come. Trust that The Word stands forever and that, that my friends, is enough.

Rain conquers dirt

 Today the wind stirred up the dirt in a construction site, the red clay that we call dirt down here in the south, and it created a cloud of dust that made the world around us almost impossible to see. We were on our way to physical therapy (I have a frozen shoulder from a really ugly seizure last fall that I didn’t care for properly) and suddenly the world around us was a blur. The cars around us were covered in fog. The buildings to the side were blurry and far away.
 The dirt was blocking the path.

 Then, the rain followed the wind and the dirt was conquered.

 It reminded me of this devotion I read a few days ago.


 ”(I have) seen a storm in early spring; and all was black, save where the lightening tore the cloud with thundering rent. The winds blew and the rains fell, as though heaven had opened its windows. What devastation there was! Not a spider’s web that was out of doors escaped the storm, which tore up even the strong-branched oak.
 But ere long the lightening had gone by, the thunder was spent and silent, the rain was over, the western wind came up with its sweet breath, the clouds were chased away, and the retreating storm threw a scarf of rainbows over her fair shoulders and resplendent neck, and looked back and smiled, and so withdrew and passed out of sight.
 But for weeks long the fields held up their hands full of ambrosial flowers, and all the summer through the grass was greener, the brooks were fuller, and the trees cast a more umbrageous shade, because the storm passed by - though all the rest of the earth had long ago forgotten the storm, its rainbows and its rain.”
 Theodore Parker

 You see what you choose to see.
 You see what you remember to see.

“In everything you were enriched in Him, in all speech and all knowledge,”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭1:5‬ ‭NASB‬‬

 You choose to see the riches. 

 After multiple schedule changes over the last few days, and insurance not approving it yet, I am going to UAB for a MRI tomorrow. For there to be brain surgery on July 31st, there still needs to be a CAT scheduled within the next two weeks, but at least the MRI was squeezed in!  

 I will ask for your prayers.
 But mostly I will ask you to celebrate with me. I am extravagantly rich.

 Tomorrow is our 19th anniversary. We will have a nice 2.5 hour drive, a peaceful lunch, a few hours apart while I get my scan since COVID19 prevents anyone “extra” from even coming in to the hospital with me, then a joyful, celebratory drive home again.
 I am blessed.
 I am rich.
 I know the flowers will bloom after the storm, but even right now, in the middle of the rain, the dirt has settled and we can see the road again. So I rejoice.

 Be blessed my friends. Pause for a moment, take a deep breath, and choose what you see. Then rejoice because there is ALWAYS something good.

Wait

 I think that what God asks of me, more than anything, is to wait. When I am feeling impatient or unimportant I love to think about Jesus’ first 30 years on earth. He had the power of God, yet He was a simple carpenter. He had the vision of God, yet He lived in a small village and watched people live and die, marry and give birth, create and destroy ... boring, “normal” life. He wasn’t teaching. He wasn’t working miracles. He wasn’t changing the world. He was waiting. He was living the life that I want to live.

 I love the “old” version, the NKJV, but this new version, The Passion Translation, really struck me as well.

“Here’s what I’ve learned through it all: Don’t give up; don’t be impatient; be entwined as one with the Lord. Be brave and courageous, and never lose hope. Yes, keep on waiting—for he will never disappoint you!”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭27:14‬ ‭TPT‬‬

 So, when you feel like God isn’t asking anything important of you, remember that Jesus spent 30 years simply waiting. Then He still did everything He was meant to do. He still accomplished everything He meant to accomplish.
 But first He waited.
 I am not saying to sit on your backside and do nothing...just don’t jump into something when God is saying “be still”. Don’t simply repeat the good words around you when He is saying “be quiet”. There are plenty of things to do, right where you are, while you are waiting for the “big thing”.
 Be friendly to the grocery bagger and the cashier. Say “have a nice day” (and mean it) to the person at the bank, the gas station and the day care center. Smile with your eyes, even though your mouth is covered with a protective germ mask and can’t be seen. Give away your money, even if it is only $5, because God can use that. Love your neighbor.
 Love.
 Love.
 Love.
 Be Jesus in his first 30 years.