A story by Andy

My typing fingers have been used by Andy tonight. He has to turn in his first project for his creative writing class tomorrow. The assignment was, describe a bumper sticker that you like, and the vehicle, driver, etc that the bumper sticker belong with. Here is his final project. Please, enjoy! 

I was eating lunch with my family a couple of weeks ago when I noticed a bumper sticker that said, “Dip me in honey mustard and throw me to the lesbians”. It couldn’t help but catch my eye, and I have been thinking about it ever since – What does it mean? I didn’t see the driver of the vehicle, so that part is entirely my imagination, but I could easily imagine a computer geek thinking something that random was funny, simply for it’s randomness.

The vehicle is a blue 1996 Ford Explorer, with grey interior. The paint is bleached by the sun, and starting to look a little whitewashed. The upholstery is terribly worn and faded with many tears where the foam shows through. Under the accelerator pedal the carpet is worn through all the way to the metal. There are a few various pings in the front windshield from rocks and other flying debris, and the right headlight is completely busted out. The left rear tire is almost completely bald with the thread showing through.

            When you open the door several different smells waft out to greet you. The strongest, and thus the first you notice, is the smell of old cigarettes. Only slightly weaker, but certainly less revolting is the smell of “new car”, that comes conveniently packaged and shaped like a tree and hanging from the rear view mirror. Slightly subtler underlying the other two is the slightly musty scent of mildew, caused by the minor leak that occurs in the back hatch when it rains at just the right angle.

            Upon a closer look it is easy to see, at minimum, 8 paper, plastic and Styrofoam cups from various fast food establishments, several of which appear to have flat soda and cold coffee still in them. Sitting on the front passenger seat is a very official looking document: professional, clean, completely out of place in this “hunk of junk”.   

            The driver is a young white male, approximately 23 years old. He has 30 pounds of extra weight sitting around his middle, and absolutely no intention of even pretending that he is going to go to the gym any time this year. His World of Warcraft t-shirt is well worn and has several stains, but it proclaims his passion to the world, so he wears it proudly. His unkempt hair is long and greasy, mirrored by his beard, and his odor resembles that of a man who has worked construction on a summer day with a deodorant that has worked past its time.

            When I greet him, he asks, “Can I help you”, in a kingly way, as if I have entered his domain and he has to let me know that he is in charge here. His attitude emanates sarcasm, in a friendly sort of way, and he seems to be carrying on an internal conversation at all times. A humorous one, from what I can gather.